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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother is weird about birthdays

27 replies

Treetopsyellow · 16/02/2026 23:01

Every year she seems to cut contact for the weeks lending up to and after my birthday. Normally we speak 1-2 times a week. There is never any falling out about it and she’ll phone me afterwards and talk completely normally like nothing happened. I just cannot work out her reasoning. Birthdays as a child were also minimal acknowledgment and never a party/cake etc but she did once throw herself a party with her friends on my birthday when I was like 7. I’ve never been that bothered by it but now I’m starting to think that she might have some issue with me.

OP posts:
ScrambledEggs12 · 16/02/2026 23:14

Have you asked her?

ThatWhiteElephant · 16/02/2026 23:17

Does she not acknowledge your birthday at all, send a card, text you on the day, anything?

Seems pretty weird behaviour to me, especially the party for herself when you were younger.

LadyGAgain · 16/02/2026 23:26

Was she brought up a JV?
did she leave the cult (community) but struggles?

LadyGAgain · 16/02/2026 23:27

JW

Original poster
Treetopsyellow · 16/02/2026 23:32

ThatWhiteElephant · 16/02/2026 23:17

Does she not acknowledge your birthday at all, send a card, text you on the day, anything?

Seems pretty weird behaviour to me, especially the party for herself when you were younger.

No. No mention of it at all. I don’t even celebrate it so I don’t get why she avoids me for weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetopsyellow · 16/02/2026 23:34

LadyGAgain · 16/02/2026 23:26

Was she brought up a JV?
did she leave the cult (community) but struggles?

She celebrates her own birthday so I don’t think so. Although I don’t now much about her past.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetopsyellow · 16/02/2026 23:35

ScrambledEggs12 · 16/02/2026 23:14

Have you asked her?

I could do, but she doesn’t cope well with confrontation. She’ll likely just ignore the question and ignore me for even longer.

OP posts:
FlashingFairyLight · 16/02/2026 23:40

What do you do on her birthday OP?
Are you an only? What about your sibs/dad?

It is honestly so odd, Im not sure how you've never asked her why she doesnt acknowledge your birthday? Maybe it was a traumatic birth? Who knows.

No wonder you don't celebrate it - you've been taught it's not important/ it's more significant that your mum's got a weird issue going on.

I feel sad for younger you - it must have been very confusing when all your friends were having tea parties or whatever x

90sTrifle · 16/02/2026 23:40

Is she hiding something? Have you seen your birth certificate?

Original poster
Treetopsyellow · 17/02/2026 00:02

FlashingFairyLight · 16/02/2026 23:40

What do you do on her birthday OP?
Are you an only? What about your sibs/dad?

It is honestly so odd, Im not sure how you've never asked her why she doesnt acknowledge your birthday? Maybe it was a traumatic birth? Who knows.

No wonder you don't celebrate it - you've been taught it's not important/ it's more significant that your mum's got a weird issue going on.

I feel sad for younger you - it must have been very confusing when all your friends were having tea parties or whatever x

As a child I always got her/made presents/card. As an adult I get her present/card but I’ve never spent the day with her. She normally goes out for a meal with friends. I don’t know why I’ve never asked it just seemed normal to me I suppose and I didn’t want to make it seem like I’m making a big deal about it being my birthday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetopsyellow · 17/02/2026 00:03

90sTrifle · 16/02/2026 23:40

Is she hiding something? Have you seen your birth certificate?

I’ve seen my birth certificate and she’s definitely my biological mother.

OP posts:
yaya83 · 17/02/2026 00:09

Do you know much about your birth? Could there be some unresolved trauma from it that she just buried but around your birthday, she finds it hard to keep buried so avoids you instead?

FancyCatSlave · 17/02/2026 00:10

I mean this is just a completely dysfunctional relationship- do you realise that @Treetopsyellow? It’s emotionally abusive. It’s not about the birthday as such, I bet there’s far more examples. You don’t have to go along with it, you can reject it.

What about the rest of your family? Did they ignore your birthday too?

FlashingFairyLight · 17/02/2026 00:13

I didn’t want to make it seem like I’m making a big deal about it being my birthday.

Little kids are allowed to get excited and celebrate their birthdays.
Where was the rest of your family?

VivienneDelacroix · 17/02/2026 00:18

I agree with a pp. It would suggest to me that there is some kind of trauma surrounding your birth that she has never been able to work through.
I'm sorry, because it's horrible for you, but it could well be truly horrible for her too.

Original poster
Treetopsyellow · 17/02/2026 00:21

FancyCatSlave · 17/02/2026 00:10

I mean this is just a completely dysfunctional relationship- do you realise that @Treetopsyellow? It’s emotionally abusive. It’s not about the birthday as such, I bet there’s far more examples. You don’t have to go along with it, you can reject it.

What about the rest of your family? Did they ignore your birthday too?

Yes you’re right it’s very dysfunctional. There’s a lot of issues we don’t discuss as I know there’s no point. I guess this time it just made me think is there any point continuing the relationship when there doesn’t seem to be any real mother/daughter bond. She had been constantly phoning me to vent/ask for advice on a difficult situation she has been having recently and now complete silence. It just annoyed me after all the time I have put into helping her. There is really no other family members so no one else was ignoring my birthdays they were just not that involved.

OP posts:
ChangePrivacyQuestion · 17/02/2026 00:21

I'm voting for traumatic birth too. Not to presume your age, but psychological support is still inadequate, back a few decades it could have been non-existent. Is there any other relative or a friend of your moms that could be gently probed for the general idea?

Edit: just saw about the other family members. Was she particularly young when she had you? Or maybe ostracised by her family because of it? Was your dad in the picture?

Cheddars · 17/02/2026 00:27

Did she always buy you presents as a child? What about Christmas?
It is very strange behaviour. Perhaps she’s trying to save money.

Original poster
Treetopsyellow · 17/02/2026 00:35

ChangePrivacyQuestion · 17/02/2026 00:21

I'm voting for traumatic birth too. Not to presume your age, but psychological support is still inadequate, back a few decades it could have been non-existent. Is there any other relative or a friend of your moms that could be gently probed for the general idea?

Edit: just saw about the other family members. Was she particularly young when she had you? Or maybe ostracised by her family because of it? Was your dad in the picture?

Edited

She was older when she had me and she was not really in contact with her family long before I was born. Father was in the picture but largely absent away at work for months at a time and they frequently separated/reconciled.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetopsyellow · 17/02/2026 00:42

Cheddars · 17/02/2026 00:27

Did she always buy you presents as a child? What about Christmas?
It is very strange behaviour. Perhaps she’s trying to save money.

I did think it might be this as she is very weird about money as well. Christmases were always something she made a big deal about leading up to it, but the day always ended up being very tense and she’d be in a very bad mood. I would get Christmas presents up to around age 10.

OP posts:
ThePerfectWeekender · 17/02/2026 00:51

She sounds like mine. I'd be embarrassed as a DC gping back to school after my Birthday and Christmas. She struggled with most affection, but I never remember cards or gifts. The one exception was when I had a joint (significant) Birthday party with SIL and she bought us both the same gift. I think that was even worse because it demonstrated that she knew what was 'normal' and only did it for me for the benefit of another and for show.
Weirdly, she was very loving to my DC, especially after DF died. I could never have raised it. We were very different.

candishop · 17/02/2026 03:00

This feels like psychological punishment or resentment that is very intentional. She’s your mum but if the relationship is causing you to question her feelings for you, based on this unusual behaviour, then walk away. I wonder what her reaction would be for you to turn the tables and go no contact for good. I’m sorry you have had to endure this abusive behaviour. Good luck OP.

Stickytoffeetartt · 17/02/2026 05:09

Gosh this is awful 😌 You have been the better person for too long. Time to stop buying for her birthday, I wouldn't even send her wishes
If she asks why or gets emotional just tell her you've stopped as you never get anything in return. I doubt she'd say anything though. She sounds horrible. You deserve so much better. Even if it was a traumatic birth the last person you take it out on is your child. Sorry she didn't make you feel cherished all your life like you should have been ❤️

Goinggonegone · 17/02/2026 05:16

I hope you can learn to celebrate your birthday now as an adult.

Pigletin · 17/02/2026 05:32

Is it possible you had at twin and something went wrong during birth so she is finding it very difficult to acknowledge it? To be honest this is probably the only reason I can think of that may somehow excuse/explain her behaviour. I feel so sad for the little you.

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