Should I agree their dad should have the kids more?

[BookArt55]

Court order is from April 2025.
Dad gets every other weekend, and every other Wednesday. He stormed out of court, so my plan for Christmas and the kid's birthdays was agreed as the judge felt I was fair with my proposal giving the court findings and dad's behaviours.
Fast forward, I have ongoing concerns about ex's parenting- he still doesn't follow medical guidance, he still talks to the kids about adult ssues, they know far too much for 7 and 3 years old. The kids now tell me they want a 2,2, 5,5 pattern, that they want 'equal' time- a word they wouldn't use in this context but their dad sure does. They talk about how lonely and sad dad is (despite having a girlfriend of 2 years and step daughter), and how dad hates me and tells them i am really mean to him. These are the highlights. I have concerns that this is affecting the kids behaviour- gone backwards in toileting, biting nails, refusing to leave me, nightmares... again another endless list.

Dad has asked over 50 times in the last 10months for more time. On Thursday evening, ex messages on the parenting app 6 times in 24 hours about more time this half term. I did respond after the 5th message saying no thank you, we have plans and I will stick to the court order. He's messaged again this morning now saying he is free all week.

It was an abusive relationship, 2 years out of it and I still doubt myself. I don't think he should have more time because the kids come back so diregulated, and angry with me. But then they ask for more time with their dad... using the exact same words and plans from his messages is where I am assuming he is coaching them. The latest is 'daddy has told...' them they will have a visitor soon at his house and they need to tell the visitor they want more time with him. Dad thinks we should listen to the kids, I think they are 3 and 7 and too young to have that decision on their shoulders when they are so young and struggling emotionally as it is.

I don't think I'm unreasonable to say no to more time with him... but then I doubt myself. I want an amicable coparenting relationship for the kid's sake, but I don't think it will ever be possible.

So am I unreasonable to stick completely ro the court order and not deviate at all?

Any advice on how to support the kids? Struggling and waffled on enough now. Thanks for reading.

It was an abusive relationship and nothing has changed since the separation. He's dragging the kids through it as well now. Stick to the letter of the court order if that's what you're happy with for now. Let him return to court at his own expense if he wants more contact and you can then spell out what's really happening to the judge. His behaviour is out of line and not in the best interests of the children. See where it lands.

Stand your ground. He will get bored eventually. It’s so hard to go through this but the years go quick when the days seem so long. The children will make their own minds up eventually and you’ll be left wondering why on earth you gave this so much headspace. From a parent that’s been there please just enjoy your children. X

Make sure school is aware of the issues so that they can help support the DC, and so that you build up a relationship with them showing you as the consistently reasonable parent.

Broken record reply every time to dad ‘let’s respect the judge decision and stick to the court order’
and then don’t respond to any more. You can report him for harrassment and get a non molestation order if he doesn’t stop when you’ve asked him to by the way.

as for the kids - you tell them that the court decided where is best for them to live and mummy and daddy need to follow the days. Say you’re sorry that daddy keeps saying this to you, but it’s not up to mummy to make changes. Validate their feelings about wanting to be with daddy and get them excited about what they’ll do with daddy when they see him.

Keep a written record of every occasion your children have brought this up with you and the language they use.

I think you should stick to your guns - having more time with a manipulative and coercive father is likely to damage them. They are too young to appreciate the complexities of the situation. I would tell them that mummy and daddy spoke to the judge who's job it is to decide what's best for children and this is what the judge decided. It's not up to mummy or daddy because it's the judge who decides and that's the law that we all have to follow.

The kids now tell me they want a 2,2, 5,5 pattern, that they want 'equal' time

Children dont know what is good for them. They would probably eat candy and chocolate all day and wear the same pair of jammies 6 week in a row...
That's what you are here for.

While I dont think you should bad mouth their dad i also dont think its healthy to let the big bullshit of his go unchecked.
I'd encourage critical thinking in the children and potentially give some age appropriate context / challenges to their fathers narratives.

Otherwise there's a real risk of parental alienation (you) and cognitive dissonance (them)

@TON618 I'm told at least every other week he is taking me back to court... 10months and still waiting! I think it will happen, just not sure when. He uses it as a threat, whereas I'm at the point of thinking he is an idiot as last time he took me it really didn't end well for his and the court findings were strongly worded against him!

Thank you for this, so glad it worked out for your kids! I have everything crossed, constantly feel like I'm not doing enough! Much better now than i ever have been, but his antics still affect me more than I would like. The years are definitely flying.

I think the courts were generous. I am sorry that your children have such an awful dad.

Be prepared to seek legal advice and keep records in case he does seek to go back to court.

From what you say, his attempts to weaponise going to court are only stitching himself up. The calmer you are, the harder he will push. So let him take you back there. It's nothing new. It's just such a shame he isn't collaborating in the best interests of the children and won't meet you on the middle. I wish you and the kids the very best.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum do you know where the threshold is for a non-mol? My family tell me to get one, but i don't think he is bad enough to actually get one. I could have got one a year ago after a bigger incident but then didn't because I wanted him to attend medical appointments for the kids so he can actually listen to thr doctor and do as we are both told... hasn't worked. He doesn't attend most or ignores them anyway. The ones he does attend are unbearable as he causes low level drama for the children. Kids are torn and act so different as they can't show they love me... their words.

Stick to the court order. Keep evidence of him pestering you to break the current court order as this will not look favourable on his part.
Whatever you do don't give in as this could look like you aren't sticking to the agreement, which is perhaps what he is hoping for and is wanting to break you before taking you to court saying you willingly gave the children over during your time so you can't cope/are happy to have less time.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp thanks, this is my biggest worry and I see small bits until they regulate again and they tell me they weren't angry, but they are confused- emotions are all over the place.

We read books about questioning thjngs, play a game called 'fact or opinion', we talk about what actions have shown we love each other and we talk about the highs and lows of our days to keep communication open. I repeat that the judge made the decision and I agree with the judge and that i am sorry daddy is talking to you about adult issues... they're told that me abd the judge both know we made the wrong decision abd need to change our minds.

Ultimately it is the children that are being affected by this situation and it’s important that both parents try to come to some sort of agreement before even more damage is done. What’s the reason why they are not being allowed to spend more half term time with their father? (Apart from him being an arse). If he’s such a bad parent, have you considered taking him back to court to reduce his time with them?

The medical issues are very important. Can you ask him about this on the parental app (so it's evidence) as is serious it could count as neglect. 'Katys skin looks worse today, have you been using the cream? You need to apply twice a day remember'.

Secondarily is they way he speaks to the kids. This could arguably be parental alienation. Agree with making records of what the kids say. I really this should be in the same format as above on the parental app 'the children really don't need to know you hate me Nigel, please keep things civil for their sakes.'

If he asks about extra time in person or visa a phone call, be sure to reply on the app to evidence it 'as I said before, we should stick to contact arrangements in the court order, please stop asking me for more'.

Be the face of a reasonable, patient mother. Let him show himself to be unhinged, angry and unreasonable.

This is to build up an evidence based for the inevitable court case.

He's obviously crap but he would be an idiot to take you back to court within a year of the last one, he's probably waiting for some time to pass.

He will inevitable say 'the kids are asking for more time's in court and then you throw all your carefully evidenced statements at him.

@Cerialkiller thank you for this!
In th3 past I have said 'x says you they didn't have their meds, do you need some more, or could you please make sure they are given'. Or 'th3 kids said this, could you please keep that as an adukt conversation and not involve th3 kids'. The kids would come back the next time with my oldest telling me that he was told off for telling me things, and that he needs to keep secrets (I tell them to never keep secrets from me unless there is a deadline- like a birthday present). Dad would always respond to the message saying I was making it up, lying constantly and accusing him abd that I was harrassing him. So now I just don't abd document it instead, because the kdis were telling me less because they didn't want to get in trouble. Not saying I am right, I actually don't know whst is best!

You cannot reason with someone who is unreasonable. That is why the court laid down what the visiting terms are, and that is why he doesn't have more time at half term.

You can't go to court for a court order, then expect to ignore it. The order must be followed.

OP - Greyrock. As PP said, ignore what you can, brief 'we will follow the court order' responses when you can't. You need to remain calm and boring - so do not engage or explain or try to justify - just stick to the order.

Don't trash the father, but don't lie for him either - you have to be the children's reliable, safe person. Keep it calm, keep it factual (as it sounds like you do) give them a big hug - when mine come back they generally go to their room for 30mins or so, then come down for snacks and I put something on the TV that we all heap on the settee and watch together - totally naturally, nothing forced, just cosy and comfortable.

Recently saw my solicitor who could see from my evidence that he is maintaining the same non child focused behaviours that got him so little time to begin with. However, I need third party evidence to have a strong case for him to get even less time, as the change in the kid's behaviour is my word, what they divulge to me they aren't telling other safe thurd party adults. So i have spoken to school and nursery, and looking at getting play therapy for my eldest so he can safely work through it all.
He doesn't give meds, after surgery he allowed our child to carry on like normal causing a bleed and completely going against the dischargesummary, he refuses to share what meds were given except from the day they come back to me- so a low level one would be calpol, he will tell me their last dose and not what they have had in a 24hr period. He feeds our child things they are allergic to or we don't know is a safe food for her while I'm tryinf them on the dairy ladder as told by doctors so putting it at jeopardy. He's told them all about court and lots that was discussed, was told him court not to do this and has continued. Keeps the kids favourite teddi3s at his because that is their only home and refuses to give them back (also toys, clothes etc, but the teddies are emotionally supporting the kids between homes). I mean that is just a few, any more would be too outing.

I do agree parents should work together and the kids should be priority. I hate this for the kids. But the police, counsellor and my solicitor all said that he can't be reasoned with. Ex openly tells everyone that he parallel parents, and that i counter parent because I won't take his 'consequences' from his home and do it at my home- all aimed at our youngest. Oldest does nothing wrong during dad's time.

Why don't you let the kids have more time with him? Are they in childcare this half-term? If so, seems very mean spirited of you when their dad is off work and happy to have them.

You are not the kids manager. Their dad should have an equal say in everything and equal time with his children.

Have not read anything the OP wrote!?? It would also be against the court order.!

Its clearly begun.

Documenting it
First get internal ring and record their convos with you. Keep up to with the other stuff (school play therapy)

Keeps the kids favourite teddies
Get on vinted find versions for your house..I found x2 spares of an obscure stuffie we.got given that randomly became a fave 1la year later.

Keep all comms in writing
Ideally via one of the apps.

I also agree with this
Be the face of a reasonable, patient mother.

Ultimately the kids will see the truth.

Punishing the youngest while eldest can do no wrong is classic divide and conquer bullshit.
Youngest is scrabbling for crumbs the oldest wants to stay in good favour and the two od them are muted against each other.
Id watch theor relationship and try and make them "a team" on your watch.

Good luck you sound like you have your work cut out.

I work in a school and have always done all childcare. Dad never took a single day off during school holidays until now, and he told me on Thursday evening, so we do have plans in place. He used his holidays during term time to have time to himself, abd wouldn't do the school runs on those days either.

Family court don't usually reduce a Father's time to 3 nights every 2 weeks unless there are concerns. He applied to court for him to be the resident parent and for me to have every other weekend only.

I've come here for advice, but it doesn't seem like you've read what I wrote as that shares what my concerns are, without giving too much away. But yes, I agree, i do thing parents should have equal time and say when they coparent with the children's interests as the main focus. I don't think that is the case here, and do doubt myself, despite the court having clear opinions.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp thank you for this. This is really good advice, going to take a look at what you've said about divide and conquer, I hadn't quite seen it like that but now you've stated it there is a pattern abd their behaviour when they return makes more sense. Thank you, this is really useful.

Amazed you could decode my garbbled text🤣
It shpuld read...
wants to stay in good favour and the two of them are pitted against each....

They are not teens and he is a sick twat for screwing with their young minds. Letter of the law. No more no less.