AIBU to say that men don’t make women happy long term?

[MenoMenace]

I’m having a quiet work month (self employed) so have managed to catch up with various female friends over the last few weeks. Bar one of them, ALL the others just talked about how shit their men are.

The common thread is that their man isn’t pulling his weight at home. Firstly on the housework side of things, and secondly with childcare. All these amazing women are starting to question what their man actually brings to the table. In some cases, not even a financial benefit.

I’m in a relationship, we don’t live together and are both child free. I LOVE living alone (with my dog). I’ve previously been in a similar situation and found it completely impossible to feel any sort of sexual passion for men who can’t even pick their dirty clothes up off the floor. I’m no Marie Kondo, but my home is my sanctuary.

Some of the happiest women I know are post menopausal women who have managed to shed a shitty OH. I’ve observed how brilliantly they rally round, creating supportive communities.

I know it’s not all men; my own DP was a stay at home dad. He hoovered and shopped etc. One of my EX OHs was a brilliant cook and very house proud.

Interested to see what the general consensus is, or are all my female friends just with complete douchebags?

They are with the wrong people. I have been with my DH almost 30 years and if didn't treat me well, respect me and take on his fair share of our joint responsibilities I would not stay with him.

YANBU. Not all men, but most men are a big let down in the end. Women are statistically happier living alone. I'm living with my DH and my mum has lived alone for 20 years (married twice and one or two serious ish short term relationships). No way on this earth would she live with another man (despite lots of pushy offers from poor lonely men who can't look after themselves) and I don't blame her one bit.

It's the whole thing of men just not being the equal of women. I'm sure it's the reason our hormones make us fall in love so hard, to blind us to their lack of ability to keep up with women.

I'm 100% with your friends OP. There is nothing less sexy than a man treating you as a mother and a maid. The thing about it that never fails to amaze me though, is how those men just don't understand that. My fanny clangs shut when I even think about going there again. No bloody way!

I look at my first ex. He's remarried. His wife is lovely. Works hard. Manages the finances and the house. And he's... just sort of there. Eats the food she cooks. Sleeps in the bed she makes. Wears the clothes she washes. They don't even spend their evenings together. He's upstairs on his computer and she's downstairs watching TV. I have no idea what she gets out of it. But bloody rather her than me!

But there don't seem too many of the 'right' people though. So your choice is be single forever with no chance of a family, search for the rare beast who can actually work a washing machine, or risk it on someone who may it may not turn out to be a lazy twat.

I'm just off the back of a long conversation with my sister about her rubbish oh who is convinced he does equal work 'because sometimes he drops the kids off at school and washed up yesterday' he also spends about a day a week at a hobby leaving dsis with the kids even when she's ill with COVID. She works full time too so he isn't even the breadwinner.

Even my oblivious DH was talking about having a serious word with the man. In DHs words 'I've given him the benefit of the doubt until now but it's getting so blatant I can't ignore it.' and that's a man who's hardly perfect himself but a king among men Vs some of the shits I read about on here.

YABU. My DH is great and has been for 37 years. BUT he was up front at the start about being professionally driven and having no intention whatsoever about housework, cooking or shopping. He has always happily paid the cleaner and au-pair even when I wasn't working and our input has been equal. I have always had a bit more down time than him.

He is decent, loyal, moral, kind and has a brain the size of a planet. Also, he has nevwr questioned a single penny I have ever spent although neother of us are the last of the big spenders.

My DH more than pulls his weight. As PP said, you need to marry the right person. I know someone will come along in a second to tell me no one has a crystal ball, but all the relationships I’ve known where the man is useless; he was always useless. The woman just wanted to get married and/or have DC. Then they complain about them afterwards. No shit Sherlock.

I know it’s not all men; my own DP was a stay at home dad. He hoovered and shopped etc. One of my EX OHs was a brilliant cook and very house proud.

So not your Nigel, just everyone else's based on your 5 friends and some post menopausal women you've observed?

Mine has got better over the years, not worse. He's not perfect (neither am I) but he's kind, funny, thoughtful and open.
I think there's often some more difficult years when you have children and stress in time and money especially but it's a shame so many women find themselves in relationships where they're doing all the work. I don't know why so many men are willing to risk the stability and happiness of their families when their partners just need them to do a little bit more.

I agree. Been with my husband 20 years and he’s always pulled his weight. In fact I don’t think I could live where we do (old, rural house) without him. He probably brings more to the partnership than me. Most of my friends have decent husbands too. Funnily enough the ones that haven’t got great husbands tend to be ones with big earning husbands, who seem to think their bigger financial contributions count for everything.

You’re right. Most men are useless and shun childcare/ domestic responsibility. Majority of my female friends are the breadwinners while doing the lions share of parenting and life admin.

The thing is, there ARE some good men. I know quite a few. But they are in the minority. Their wives are lucky. Their wives are also their equals. But being a good woman is no guarantee you'll find a good man. Hence preferring to be single.

To be fair on men, I had only one partner who did not pull his weight, the two others did, but I never had children, and I read on here that that seems to change the dynamic. I shed the shitty one two years ago, and I live alone with a dog now too and it is honestly the best ever. I never lived alone this long before, and I think I share the dream of many other 50 somethings, which is a nice LAT (Living Alone Together Partner). You, OP, seem to live that dream. ;-)

I would not live together again, unless in a large penthouse in zone 1 with separate bedrooms that he pays for, but something tells me that is not in the cards.

YABU, obviously there are shit partners out there, both male and female, but that isn’t everybody.

My husband is great, more than pulls his weight, a great dad to our children, a good and genuine partner to me, he has been my rock through an awful lot and I don’t know what I’d do without him! Most of my friends say the same about their husbands/partners, there are a few that are unhappy with their male partners but there are also a few of our male friends who are unhappy with their female partners so that doesn’t prove an awful lot really!

Works hard. Manages the finances and the house. And he's... just sort of there. Eats the food she cooks. Sleeps in the bed she makes. Wears the clothes she washes. They don't even spend their evenings together. He's upstairs on his computer and she's downstairs watching TV.

Just getting flashbacks here.

YANBU, OP.

I'm in my 50s and have been married for over 20 years. My life would be considerably more effort and less enjoyable without dh. He does more than his fair share at home and is a good dad and an excellent cook! He has some good hobbies. So do I. We have lots in common in terms of stuff we like doing.

I think your perception is wrong. It isn't a man's responsibility to make a woman happy long term or short term. Surely a person is responsible for their own happiness, not relying on others, male or female.

@LadyTable these conversations are recent. None of these women have previously aired these issues. Is it our age? I think we’ve probably just all had enough of doing unpaid labour, right? What’s your situation then?

Most of the men I know (maybe all?) that are in stable, happy long-term relationships are good partners. Childcare and hosework is shared (perhaps not exactly 50/50 but close enough), and they respect their partners.

Single men, on the other hand, tend to be as you describe. In my experience. They can't hold down relationships.

He’s a keeper! Seriously, if a man is prepared to pay for someone else to do the housework then great

C’mon, seriously? I think a man leaving damp stinky towels and dirty washing on the floor for many years would seriously erode anyone’s happiness!

Amen for men like yours. I know they exist, but have just been perplexed by the recent admission of almost every woman I have seen socially

These women set their sights low and settled. More fool them.

Just about every man I know is a great husband, father and provider.

“Shed A Shitty OH” great name for a divorce lawyer firm!

Yeah, I’ve realised that I don’t want to grow old with him…

Another keeper. They just seem to be in the minority!

And when our hormones fall away we’re like “Oh shit, no way bro” 😂