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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step-parenting finances & related

36 replies

PCOSAdvocate · 16/02/2026 16:18

Feel like I’m opening myself up to abuse for this post but people in my life have me conflicted.
I have recently moved in with my partner and we share household finances (rent, bills, groceries) which comes out of an account we pay equal amounts into. He has a child who spends time with us throughout the week/weekends. Any food etc consumed comes from the joint money which I have no issue with and I always ensure there are things here they enjoy and meals also.
However, there’s now talk of birthday presents, parties etc coming from the joint money as well as gifts etc while out for the day or shopping all from the joint money.
I have no problem contributing and it’s through want as I have a brilliant relationship with them but should finances surrounding them be more their dad’s responsibility when in his/our care?
It’s members of my partners family have highlighted that the arrangement may not be fair on me, especially as lights are left on in the house all day, I have to do all collections/drop offs as the child’s mum won’t unless she’s given money for fuel and my partner doesn’t drive, the toilet is flushed 6 times everytime it’s used…
I feel like I’m picking and making an issue with something I shouldn’t but it’s other people that have brought it to my attention.

Also, please don’t hate on me, I’m genuinely asking for opinions. This is all a bit new to me and I would just like a little guidance please. Thank you

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 16/02/2026 16:25

Id say whatever arrangement you end up with, it shouldn’t be one that you just slip into. You need an open and honest conversation about what joint money is to be used for and what you must use your own funds for.

Personally, I’d say all food, bills etc should continue to be out of joint funds - maybe a bit of education should be thrown in around using electricity unnecessarily etc! - but costs ‘specifically’ for the child should be covered by your DP.
Thats my personal view though. You guys may come to a different conclusion, but it needs to be actively discussed and decided upon.

eeemes · 16/02/2026 16:31

It depends how your finances are split and if money is tight. If you’re comfortably off, paying for a child who is now part of your family shouldn’t be an issue. But if money is very tight, I think a conversation on what is fair needs to be had.

HowBizxarre · 16/02/2026 16:34

I think contributing financially equally if you live together, is how it should be ( aside from paying petrol to ex, that's bizarre)

But both parents leaving it to you to do drop pick ups/drop offs isn't fair at all. You've become a free chauffeur in that sense,

How did they do pick ups and drop offs before you came along?

Therealjudgejudy · 16/02/2026 16:38

This really doesn't sit right.

Does your partner pay you for your fuel?

Skybluepinky · 16/02/2026 16:44

We just did everything from joint account, you take on the dad you take on their children as well.

sittingonabeach · 16/02/2026 16:44

Do you earn similar in salary to justify equal amounts being paid into joint account?

How did your partner do drops offs before you moved in, or did he expect his ex to do them all?

Does he pay CMS? If so where is that paid out of?

Does your DH benefit from you driving (apart from DC drop offs)? Does he pay anything towards fuel?

Original poster
PCOSAdvocate · 16/02/2026 16:46

HowBizxarre · 16/02/2026 16:34

I think contributing financially equally if you live together, is how it should be ( aside from paying petrol to ex, that's bizarre)

But both parents leaving it to you to do drop pick ups/drop offs isn't fair at all. You've become a free chauffeur in that sense,

How did they do pick ups and drop offs before you came along?

Edited

My partner would have walked (around a 40 minute walk) or the mum would have picked up/dropped off. The reasoning now is ‘why can’t she [being me] do it?’ followed by a number of excuses as to why she can’t.
I can’t sit at home knowing the child is walking in the cold to get home so always end up offering as a result

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 16/02/2026 16:48

As PP have said, any arrangement is reasonable if it's something thaT is discussed and agreed upon.
This seems to be assumed not agreed.
Personally I'd be fine with food, electricity etc from the joint but some other things eg after school clubs etc are just for DP to pay. Or he pays slightly more into the joint to cover DD extras.

Original poster
PCOSAdvocate · 16/02/2026 16:49

Therealjudgejudy · 16/02/2026 16:38

This really doesn't sit right.

Does your partner pay you for your fuel?

Yes, he contributes as I drive and he doesn’t

OP posts:
Original poster
PCOSAdvocate · 16/02/2026 16:54

sittingonabeach · 16/02/2026 16:44

Do you earn similar in salary to justify equal amounts being paid into joint account?

How did your partner do drops offs before you moved in, or did he expect his ex to do them all?

Does he pay CMS? If so where is that paid out of?

Does your DH benefit from you driving (apart from DC drop offs)? Does he pay anything towards fuel?

Partner earns slightly more but fluctuates due to self employment.
Drop offs etc would have been a mix of both parents beforehand although my partner would have ordinarily walked.
No CMS as they have a separate arrangement which works well for them and has been in place for a number of years - this is money paid from my partners personal account.
Partner contributes towards my fuel as I WFH full time and he doesn’t drive so 90% of the car use is for household/family reasons.

OP posts:
SnobblyBobbly · 16/02/2026 16:56

It sounds like less to do with the child and more to do with your family members maybe feeling that your partner (and his ex) are taking the piss a bit. It’s the way they’re going about it perhaps. Is it possible that your friends & family perceive him as a bit of a freeloader? (Not saying that he is, but it’s obviously an issue).

As a previous poster suggested, I’d have the conversation with him about what comes out of the joint account. TBH I wouldn’t split hairs over lights & toilet flushes, but costs for days out & gifts could be agreed in some way, rather than just assumed to be a full joint outgoing.

sittingonabeach · 16/02/2026 16:56

Is there a reason he doesn't drive.

Does he do most parenting when DC are with you?

Economicsday · 16/02/2026 17:00

OP, you are being used.
His child, his costs.
But your shared bank account now means that you pay for his child.
This is not right.
This is foolish of you to get involved in.
Now you are their chauffeur too?

Why would you allow this to happen so quickly?
Why would you think this is acceptable?
Why would you not want to save money in your account, instead of being used to fund his child.

Wake up to the reality that you are being used.
Get out of this situation asap is my advice.

Snorlaxo · 16/02/2026 17:01

I wouldn’t like that financial arrangement either. Teens eat as much as an adult and if they like snacking, could be eating far more than you. Teen presents can be expensive eg a laptop or a games console and I wouldn’t want to pay half that. You’re on the fast track to be blamed for dad not buying say concert tickets or expensive trainers.

I would maybe say I will contribute eg £50 towards his son’s birthday and Christmas and leave it to your partner what to spend it on.

AxolotlEars · 16/02/2026 17:03

He's landed on his feet!

goz · 16/02/2026 17:04

It sounds like your boyfriend only wants someone to pay and look after his kids. Pain for the birthday parties and gifts from their dad? Doing all the drop offs and pick his for his kids?

andfinallyhereweare · 16/02/2026 17:05

@PCOSAdvocate sorry I have to ask- why is the toilet flushed 6 times after every use?

Original poster
PCOSAdvocate · 16/02/2026 17:07

sittingonabeach · 16/02/2026 16:56

Is there a reason he doesn't drive.

Does he do most parenting when DC are with you?

For a long time, genuinely didn’t need to. Now has a test booked and should be driving very soon.
Parenting while here is split quite a bit as my partner does night shift sometimes so in those instances, I am up in the mornings and looking after the child

OP posts:
Original poster
PCOSAdvocate · 16/02/2026 17:12

andfinallyhereweare · 16/02/2026 17:05

@PCOSAdvocate sorry I have to ask- why is the toilet flushed 6 times after every use?

Toilet at the mums house doesn’t flush properly and as a result, there’s a fascination with a properly flushing toilet

OP posts:
InMyOodie · 16/02/2026 17:12

Why are you paying half of expenses when he earns more?

He should pay his child's share too. He's taking advantage of you in many ways.

Snorlaxo · 16/02/2026 17:12

Men like your h who are quick to expect their partner to pay for their child often use said child as an excuse not to pay at all when they have a baby with the new partner. Lots of stories on here where the dad does stuff like buy lots for child 1’s Christmas but leaves the partner to pay to child 2 on her own. If you plan to have kids with this cf, make sure you don’t cheat your child with him out of his money too.

HelloCanYouHearMe · 16/02/2026 17:13

We have a joint account for food and bills. However when we first moved in together he tried to suggest that maintenance also constituted a joint expense.

I say tried to, because the look on my face made him reconsider before he even finished his sentence!

There is a separate acccount for all things kids related that my DP contributes more to, because he has more kids than I do (3:1).

I do a drop off once a month (70 mile round trip) and DP pays my fuel for this. I wouldnt do it otherwise

arethereanyleftatall · 16/02/2026 17:16

I’m sorry op but there is a very large chance that this man is just using you.
how long have you been together before you/he moved in and you started contributing both financially and in time with his child?

goz · 16/02/2026 17:18

I love how he’s already got you blaming his ex too. It’s her fault for not collecting the children from school/ clubs etc on his time, not his fault for some reason.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/02/2026 17:20

goz · 16/02/2026 17:18

I love how he’s already got you blaming his ex too. It’s her fault for not collecting the children from school/ clubs etc on his time, not his fault for some reason.

This happens I think on 100% of the threads you read on this. Always detailed as the exes fault, when it never ever is.