Step-parenting finances & related

[PCOSAdvocate]

Feel like I’m opening myself up to abuse for this post but people in my life have me conflicted.
I have recently moved in with my partner and we share household finances (rent, bills, groceries) which comes out of an account we pay equal amounts into. He has a child who spends time with us throughout the week/weekends. Any food etc consumed comes from the joint money which I have no issue with and I always ensure there are things here they enjoy and meals also.
However, there’s now talk of birthday presents, parties etc coming from the joint money as well as gifts etc while out for the day or shopping all from the joint money.
I have no problem contributing and it’s through want as I have a brilliant relationship with them but should finances surrounding them be more their dad’s responsibility when in his/our care?
It’s members of my partners family have highlighted that the arrangement may not be fair on me, especially as lights are left on in the house all day, I have to do all collections/drop offs as the child’s mum won’t unless she’s given money for fuel and my partner doesn’t drive, the toilet is flushed 6 times everytime it’s used…
I feel like I’m picking and making an issue with something I shouldn’t but it’s other people that have brought it to my attention.

Also, please don’t hate on me, I’m genuinely asking for opinions. This is all a bit new to me and I would just like a little guidance please. Thank you

Counting toilet flushes and worrying about light bulbs is a sign resentment is seeping in because the cost will be minimal and it's normal with children. You really need to think about what you're willing to do and set your boundaries with your partner, otherwise this could end up spiralling and ruin the relationship.

How have driving lessons be paid for? Will he have his own car @PCOSAdvocate

All lessons etc paid by his personal finances and he will be sourcing his own car - that conversation has been had as I drive a car I won’t let anyone drive never mind a first time driver!

We have known each other for around 3 years and been together a year and a half.

Does he own his house or rent? I wouldn't be paying towards someone's mortgage.

If it's rent, are you on the tenancy?

I wouldn't pay for 50% of the child's expenses but would absorb the extra food/elec etc.

You need a conversation about money and responsibilities. What did he do with the child when working nights before you moved in? It does sound you're taking on parenting responsibilities very quickly.

We rent together and are both named on the tenancy.
Before I moved, when working nights, he wouldn’t have been able to keep/see the child during that time. I have no issue with this as I do have a really good relationship with them, enjoy spending time with them and understand it helps my partner spend a bit more time with them and also gives the mum a bit of time to herself also as their arrangement isn’t a set routine

I wouldn't have a problem with household bills including food coming out of the joint account. Fuel should also come out of that pot while your car is being used for the benefit of the household and to facilitate childcare. He should pay for other child expenses himself e.g. birthday presents, clothes, days out.

@PCOSAdvocate

I think splitting the regular household costs is fine, assuming that there isn't a huge difference your incomes.

However, child 'specific' expenses should be covered totally by him, unless it's discussed ahead of time, each time. If you want to contribute to a joint gift, fine. But it shouldn't be expected. As DC gets older these expenses are going to get larger and you're going to feel the impact more and more. School trips, clothing, clubs, etc these things are the parent's responsibility, not yours.

You doing picks & drops is taking the piss and sounds like DP pandering to the ex. They apparently managed before you and he started living together without your help. Why can't they now? And as far as ex saying "Why can't she...." DP should reply "Because it's not her responsibility. We are the parents". If DP has to pick up his ex's slack, that's between them.

I'm sorry, but the more you do the more will be expected of you.

So they don’t have a set routine because you are expected to step in whenever it suits them…?

Yeah, I’d stop being so available.

What % is the child with you? Does the child have a bedroom? Do you have a suitable workspace? Are you going to have children together?

His child will only get more expensive as time goes by.

So you are paying more than half, his free childcare while he works, and his chauffeur?🙄

Really OP?
Can you really not see that you are a hugely convenient, paying addition to his life?

You are sadly spectacularly naive and a soft touch that is being used.

Have you no family and friends to point out the obvious?

No you shouldn’t be paying his child expenses, your DP and the child’s DM should pay for these between them. They have managed up until now and they can continue.

I wonder if the ex has assumed that she will be better off now that you have moved in together, you and DP pay for everything for the child and she gets to keep her money? Not acceptable….

You might have to forget about the joint account and just start paying your half of all the bills if your DP is going to be spending lots of your money on his child.