DH’s behaviour at my mum’s funeral

[PocketSand]

This happened some years ago but still plays on my mind. At my mum’s funeral when it came to the time to file in preference was given to me and DB and our spouses and DC to enter first and take the first row. DH was standing apart before we filed in and despite non verbal cues did not join me and DH. He actually met my eyes and left me hanging. As a result he was not on the first row and was annoyed about being excluded.

I don’t know how to do the poll - was it too much to expect him to be physically by my side?

Oh gosh, why did you try to rely on non verbal cues? Why didn’t you just walk over to him and ask him to come? Your bother and his family could have started walking in, or waited so you walked down together. No one else would have jumped in front of you. You should have just said “I’m just getting my husband, bare with us”. And then got him.

It’s not too much to ask but it sounds like a misunderstanding; not sure why you relied on non-verbal cues that are easily missed or misinterpreted. It was several years ago. I’d just let it go, there’s nothing to be gained by dwelling on stuff you can’t change.

Fuck me, why are you still letting this occupy your head space?

It obviously wasn’t deliberate. Let it go.

Surely, you could have shouted over to him ‘hey Bob, it’s time to go in’?

Expecting someone to look at your eyes and read your mind is a bit much to be honest. 😳

Equally, he was a dick for not waiting for everyone to get seated and then quietly walking past them to join you on the front row. He effectively excluded himself!

I don't really understand. You were annoyed he wasn't in the front, as was he. Why didn't you beckon him over at the time or shout over to him to join you?

Maybe he felt really awkward and didn't know what to do

When it was my exes grandma's funeral I stayed back with other non family members as I didn't realise that as a partner I was supposed to go up front with my ex 😅 I thought it was for blood relatives only

Ex was annoyed at me about it, but I'd never been to a funeral before and nobody explained what normally happens ect

Just a misunderstanding. He probably respectfully stayed back and let everyone walk in and didn't want to make a spectacle joining you at the front. Let it go.

Non verbal cues are no use for a lot of people, especially in situations that are emotive. You should have verbally asked him. He shouldn't have sulked about being excluded. You both could have been clearer about what you wanted.

Has he ever been one of the chief mourners at a funeral before? Funeral etiquette is confusing and can make people feel really awkward. Nobody wants to be "that person". Perhaps he didn't know that he was expected/entitled to sit in the front row. Sounds like he was trying to be polite to those he thought were closer to your mum and not look overly pushy. However, he was a out of line to sulk about it afterwards. So maybe he's just an arsehole.

Just a misunderstanding. He probably respectfully stayed back and let everyone walk in and didn't want to make a spectacle joining you at the front. Let it go.

100% this. If he hasn't been to many funerals he might not have known where to stand and then maybe not get in anyone's way to get past them. It was years ago, it was a misunderstanding, move on.

Why on earth didn't you grab him or tell him?

I'm sorry, but YABU.

The front row is normally reserved for the closest family members so I’m guessing he didn’t want to push in to the line and he thought there would be room for him on the front seats/bench, but it sounds like someone else took what would’ve been his place

It sounds like there are other things going on, was he supportive through out your grief?

Sounds like a misunderstanding to me. When my sister died I somehow found myself in the second row behind my other sisters now ex-husband. My nan got up and told him to switch with me so I could sit with my family. If she hadn’t done that I probably would have stayed where I was. I don’t dwell on it. Funerals are awkward.

So, DH was unsure what to do and I’ve held it against him ever since…

Today seems to be the day for mulling over stuff that happened years ago. I’m not sure why you silently beckoned your husband. If for some reason my DH wasn’t baby my side id of either gone over or called over to him and said DH it’s time to go. Alternatively I’d of saved him a seat in the pew and let him join me. It sounds like you both got caught up with the emotions of the day and weren’t really sure how to act

But why after all this time, years have passed and you still think about it?
How is your relationship in general now.

Are you bored?

It’s an odd thing to be mulling over years later. I’d just assume he was a bit unsure and awkward and you didn’t speak to him. It’s a funeral everyone is upset and they can vary in etiquette and no one wants to do wrong thing, people often stand back. He may have thought it was blood relatives only first row.

Why are you still thinking about this?

All the times I’ve been one of the main family members at a funeral, we’re all milling about waiting to walk in and then when it’s time, people start going, “time to go, get in order” etc. Why didn’t you just open your mouth and say “We’re going in now X” and hold your hand out to him?

The Op is allowed to start a post about something that bothers her so shhhh!

And I (and everybody else, evidently) is allowed to respond to said post, and let her know that yes, she is being unreasonable 🙂

YABU He did not know what to do and you should have just told him at the time.

He’s an ex now. He was abusive. He ignored me before and after. This was deliberate public humiliation. His reasoning was that I didn’t like him so he was doing me a favour. I have been diagnosed with PTSD (NHS) and referred for trauma based therapy. Mulling over things is kind of required.

It’s clearly a misunderstanding, relying on non verbal ques was your issue.
I didn’t sit beside my DH at his mums funeral, I was slightly back so I could duck out with the baby. It’s not really a given that he’s a dick for not pushing forward and sitting beside you.