DH’s behaviour at my mum’s funeral

[PocketSand]

This happened some years ago but still plays on my mind. At my mum’s funeral when it came to the time to file in preference was given to me and DB and our spouses and DC to enter first and take the first row. DH was standing apart before we filed in and despite non verbal cues did not join me and DH. He actually met my eyes and left me hanging. As a result he was not on the first row and was annoyed about being excluded.

I don’t know how to do the poll - was it too much to expect him to be physically by my side?

That’s quite the drip feed.

Without any of the context the original AIBU was a little pointless to be honest. If you’d like to chat about your ex and discuss his behaviour you could start a more general thread in chat or relationships and you might find it more useful.

Well then it’s weird that you would focus on this minor detail alone.

No one is viewing this as public humiliation except you, there’s no way anyone sees a couple at a close family members funeral sitting apart and thinks it’s humiliating.

If you were separating its fair enough he chose to sit separately, if he was just a dick well you ended up divorcing so that sort of answers that anyway.

It’s still an odd thing to focus on.

'He was annoyed at being excluded'. Well, what a big baby he is.

If he were an adult, his only 'annoyance' should have been with the fact that his wife's mother had died.

Idiot. You can't rationalise it and will never make sense of it because it's not rational, adult behavior. So all you can do it put it down to idiotic, babyish behaviour.

Hope this helps.

I don’t know why you’ve started this post really. On the face of it, you’re being unreasonable as ‘non verbal cues’ are unreliable at the best of times and a funeral is certainly not one of those BUT you follow by saying it was a sign of his abusive nature, that he did it to humiliate etc… which begs the question as to why you’ve posted? You’re probably right that he was being an awkward knobhead and wanted to treat you badly, even on the day of your mums funeral, you know him best, so I’m unsure what else we can add?

In the kindest possible way, do not use AIBU to reflect on a relationship that caused you to have PTSD. It won’t help.

It illustrates the sheer depth of his nastiness.

He is an ex for very good reason 💐

Definitely YABU, I'm sorry you are going through other stuff but on this point I don't agree with you. This is a minor issue and funerals are extremely socially awkward. People get very upset over non blood relatives sitting in prominent positions or blood relatives sitting back.

This.

If you’re processing trauma, getting hundreds of opposing views from strangers on the internet won’t help.

If it helps, I immediately read it as him deliberately ignoring your cue so that he had an excuse to exclude himself and then get angry with you, thus making your mother’s funeral about him.

I’m glad he’s an ex now, and that you’re getting help dealing with the aftermath of his abusive behaviour. 💐

It makes sense that it's stuck with you as it was an emotional time, when you really needed support.

One of my best friends has an abusive husband, and he chose to be a bit of a dick at her dad's funeral, insisting they left the wake early. This wasn't the worst thing he ever did, but I guess it stuck with her because she has just lost her dad, and so was less able to cope with his awful behaviour than usual.

Yes this is exactly how I read it and was surprised at the earlier responses.

Yes I think this is a pointless post. Either put the full context in the first post or don’t bother. It feels like you thought the responses would go one way and were annoyed when they didn’t..

Yup. OP you are t doing yourself any favours here

Something similar happened my friend when her brother died. Her abusive ex told her to go into work as what difference would it make. Then he sulked at the funeral, because it wasn’t about him.

The first (I suppose only) rule of an abusive man is that whatever you do shows you to be wrong. If you had gone over he would have snapped at you. He was making a play that no one tells him what to do, and that your focus at all times is to be on him.

Surely you had had the conversation beforehand of who sits where? I would have thought common sense would tell him he had to sit with you and immediate family. Let it go OP you can’t change what’s happened