Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to want to go to my inlaws today?

37 replies

Kardelen · 16/02/2026 12:41

my husband has severe anxiety and mental health.
so we are living seperate at the moment. I live with my two kids at my parents. And he is at his mums house.

so he says due to his mental health he doesn’t want to visit my parents ( comes a 1-2 x a week). He just says hello to them, and goes into the room and doesn’t speak after. he also has health anxiety and is scared to go out alone at times.

anyway, I always have to meet him at his mums or around his mums. Which is like 30-40 minutes journey each way.

yesterday we had a celebration at my in-laws so I was there.
today we made a plan to take the kids out somewhere. But he keeps telling me to first go into his mums house and stay a bit.

he knows how I feel this past 1-2 weeks. My mil treated me very badly, post partum both times. And one of her sons also had a baby, but she leaves them to it.
so I am very resentful towards her at the minute as it brought back horrid memories. And she never acknowledged how she made us feel.

and HE, doesn’t even spend one minute with my family- saying he feels uncomfortable. So for me, why should I go around today?
My son stayed over last night at theirs due to the holiday. And now he is not answering me.
I am guessing it’s to please his mum, so that his mum doesn’t get negative/upset IM GUESSING.

am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go inside today?

they also live in a flat so climbing the stairs is really long, and I’ve also got a bad cold.
is he trying to manipulate me?

I know he does have mental health issues- anxiety/depression

and this is the reason why my mil got away with treating me bad. Because he was too scared or his mum.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 16/02/2026 12:43

assuming there is a typo in the title and you don't want to go to the inlaws?

In your shoes, no i wouldn't want to go either.

Is your 'D'H getting treatment for his poor mental health? that should be his priority.

JoshLymanSwagger · 16/02/2026 12:45

Your "D" H can come to you and collect his children.

What about your mental health?

He is not your boss. You don't have to do what he says.

foreversunshine · 16/02/2026 12:46

You're separated so why are you marching to the beat of his drum? Sounds like you are spending too much time together and giving yourself unnecessary headaches.

Start divorce proceedings and get a formal child access agreement. Child maintenance too.

If his mental health is as bad as it sounds, is he even a suitable person to be around the children?

takealettermsjones · 16/02/2026 12:47

No I wouldn't agree to seeing MIL, but apart from that, this isn't sustainable. The kids need to know where they stand. If he's only "visiting" a couple of times a week (as opposed to actually parenting) then I'd say you should be formally separating and claiming maintenance. It sounds rough though OP, I'm sorry.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 16/02/2026 12:49

You are separated so you don’t have to do what he says, if he wants to see his kids he can visit.

Original poster
Kardelen · 16/02/2026 12:53

ToKittyornottoKitty · 16/02/2026 12:49

You are separated so you don’t have to do what he says, if he wants to see his kids he can visit.

we’re still in a marriage, but he lives at his mums because he says it’s better for his mental health, and for the kids not to see him down on his bad days.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 16/02/2026 12:58

Kardelen · 16/02/2026 12:53

we’re still in a marriage, but he lives at his mums because he says it’s better for his mental health, and for the kids not to see him down on his bad days.

Show quote history

So you are separated? He doesn’t live with his wife or children, you don’t see each other every day, and don’t have a family home. My comment still stands OP, he can visit his kids if he wants to, he’s given himself the space to be away from them on ‘bad days’ so on the days he can see them he needs to make the effort to see them and realise the world doesn’t revolve around him. This must be incredibly challenging for the kids

Swiftie1878 · 16/02/2026 12:59

This sounds very complicated.
You are separate but still ‘together’.
And you’re both living with people the other partner can’t cope with seeing.

You need to back off and tell him to sort out his mental health properly before you spend time as a family again. This is unfair on the kids.

takealettermsjones · 16/02/2026 13:03

Kardelen · 16/02/2026 12:53

we’re still in a marriage, but he lives at his mums because he says it’s better for his mental health, and for the kids not to see him down on his bad days.

Show quote history

Aye I bet it is, and I don't suppose he's using his visits to help with homework or teach them to tie their shoelaces or persuade them to eat their vegetables?

What's it going to do to your mental health trying to parent out of your mum's house with no partner to help and being expected to dance to his tune?

This is not a marriage. What's he doing to address his mental health?

Moonnstarz · 16/02/2026 13:05

Hmm I am also sceptical of his choice to live with his mum and presumably not have to deal with the realities of everyday life. I expect she cooks and cleans for him and fusses over him, while you are left having to run a household and manage the children.
How long does he intend to live with his mum for? If there is no timeline and he is not actively seeking help then I do think you need to separate formerly.

HarlanCobenDogshit · 16/02/2026 13:08

He has checked out of adult life, as soon as it got a bit tough.

Won't come to yours (which I read as he cant be arsed wuth the journey, so its easier for you to come to his).

Do either of you work?

I'd divorce him and get my own place. It's a very immature set up.

Original poster
Kardelen · 16/02/2026 13:25

HarlanCobenDogshit · 16/02/2026 13:08

He has checked out of adult life, as soon as it got a bit tough.

Won't come to yours (which I read as he cant be arsed wuth the journey, so its easier for you to come to his).

Do either of you work?

I'd divorce him and get my own place. It's a very immature set up.

He says he feels like he has agoraphobia so is scared to be alone outside on the journey. Sometimes if he feels better he is able to though.

I do work, but I am struggling extremely at the moment as I start very early and finish late. As he can’t do the school drop off and pick ups, it’s a struggle.

I don’t think I can afford my own place, plus my family help with childcare at the moment when I am work.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 16/02/2026 13:27

Have you lived together before in your own house or have you always lived with your parents? This sounds a very difficult situation.

Original poster
Kardelen · 16/02/2026 13:28

Moonnstarz · 16/02/2026 13:05

Hmm I am also sceptical of his choice to live with his mum and presumably not have to deal with the realities of everyday life. I expect she cooks and cleans for him and fusses over him, while you are left having to run a household and manage the children.
How long does he intend to live with his mum for? If there is no timeline and he is not actively seeking help then I do think you need to separate formerly.

he doesn’t want to hassle his mum, so he eats out every day.
the past year he moves there on and off, but this is the longest he has stayed so far, and doesn’t feel comfortable to come back.

the issue is when he is with us, he seems so out of it, and it’s very draining for me and the kids. So in a way, it’s a better set up for him to be away. He was also suicidal when he was at home with us, so at least now that seems settled.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 16/02/2026 13:31

Kardelen · 16/02/2026 13:28

he doesn’t want to hassle his mum, so he eats out every day.
the past year he moves there on and off, but this is the longest he has stayed so far, and doesn’t feel comfortable to come back.

the issue is when he is with us, he seems so out of it, and it’s very draining for me and the kids. So in a way, it’s a better set up for him to be away. He was also suicidal when he was at home with us, so at least now that seems settled.

Show quote history

So he CAN go out alone - to get food. Every day. ??

What treatment is he receiving for his MH issues?
If the answer is none, you need to separate formally, and go your own way. This is not getting better and your kids are seeing it all.
They need to be your priority.

Original poster
Kardelen · 16/02/2026 13:32

takealettermsjones · 16/02/2026 13:03

Aye I bet it is, and I don't suppose he's using his visits to help with homework or teach them to tie their shoelaces or persuade them to eat their vegetables?

What's it going to do to your mental health trying to parent out of your mum's house with no partner to help and being expected to dance to his tune?

This is not a marriage. What's he doing to address his mental health?

Show quote history

I do try to push him to. And he tries. He just always says he wishes he was better as he wanted to be a present dad and teach them

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 16/02/2026 13:35

You still haven’t said…

IS HE GETTING TREATMENT FOR HIS MH ISSUES?

Jellybunny56 · 16/02/2026 13:36

You’re separated. You can dress it up however you like but that bottom line is he is not your partner, nor is he parenting his children, so at that point do whatever works for you and the kids, just like he’s doing what works for him.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/02/2026 13:40

So he goes out to eat every day but is agoraphobic when it comes to anything else including any kind of parenting like school runs or coming to your parents to parent his children. ... why are you not divorcing this male?

takealettermsjones · 16/02/2026 13:47

Kardelen · 16/02/2026 13:28

he doesn’t want to hassle his mum, so he eats out every day.
the past year he moves there on and off, but this is the longest he has stayed so far, and doesn’t feel comfortable to come back.

the issue is when he is with us, he seems so out of it, and it’s very draining for me and the kids. So in a way, it’s a better set up for him to be away. He was also suicidal when he was at home with us, so at least now that seems settled.

Show quote history

You know this is bullshit, don't you? His agoraphobia means he can't be alone in his own car but he can go to restaurants every day. He is too anxious to speak to your parents but not too anxious to speak to restaurant servers. He doesn't want to hassle his mum but he's perfectly happy to hassle you to drive to him all the time. He's out of it when he's with you and the kids and yet his priority is insisting you go and chat to his mum to keep her happy. He's taking the piss. Sorry

gamerchick · 16/02/2026 13:48

What do you mean 'home with us'. Did you all stay at your parents?

I don't think I'd have the patience OP..maybe end it properly, get a contact order in place and give your kids some stability.

Branleuse · 16/02/2026 14:09

You don't have to do what he decides you should do. He's not your boss, and he's not acting like a husband. He's barely acting like a friend.
Tell him to jog on.

Frenchfrychic · 16/02/2026 14:20

Did you post about not wanting to go and see the new baby at your in-laws house? I’m not sure you said your husband lived there too and you live apart.

is he getting help, he’s clearly very unwell.

Bubba2dueJuly26 · 16/02/2026 14:23

Kardelen · 16/02/2026 13:25

He says he feels like he has agoraphobia so is scared to be alone outside on the journey. Sometimes if he feels better he is able to though.

I do work, but I am struggling extremely at the moment as I start very early and finish late. As he can’t do the school drop off and pick ups, it’s a struggle.

I don’t think I can afford my own place, plus my family help with childcare at the moment when I am work.

Show quote history

Classic “feels like he has agrophobia” but has he? Has he tried therapy? Has the tried helping himself.

He checked out of adult life and dad life. He still thinks you’re in a marriage and he gets to call the shots. Yet he’s getting out of being a dad, doing the housework etc whilst you do everything.

You are allowing yourself to be treated like this and he needs you to tell him the hard truth… that’s the kindest thing to do.

ThiagoJones · 16/02/2026 14:24

Do you have a family home, or did he previously live with you at your parents’ house?
He’s taking you for a ride.

Swipe left for the next trending thread