Am I being unreasonable to want to go to my inlaws today?

[Kardelen]

my husband has severe anxiety and mental health.
so we are living seperate at the moment. I live with my two kids at my parents. And he is at his mums house.

so he says due to his mental health he doesn’t want to visit my parents ( comes a 1-2 x a week). He just says hello to them, and goes into the room and doesn’t speak after. he also has health anxiety and is scared to go out alone at times.

anyway, I always have to meet him at his mums or around his mums. Which is like 30-40 minutes journey each way.

yesterday we had a celebration at my in-laws so I was there.
today we made a plan to take the kids out somewhere. But he keeps telling me to first go into his mums house and stay a bit.

he knows how I feel this past 1-2 weeks. My mil treated me very badly, post partum both times. And one of her sons also had a baby, but she leaves them to it.
so I am very resentful towards her at the minute as it brought back horrid memories. And she never acknowledged how she made us feel.

and HE, doesn’t even spend one minute with my family- saying he feels uncomfortable. So for me, why should I go around today?
My son stayed over last night at theirs due to the holiday. And now he is not answering me.
I am guessing it’s to please his mum, so that his mum doesn’t get negative/upset IM GUESSING.

am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go inside today?

they also live in a flat so climbing the stairs is really long, and I’ve also got a bad cold.
is he trying to manipulate me?

I know he does have mental health issues- anxiety/depression

and this is the reason why my mil got away with treating me bad. Because he was too scared or his mum.

So he can go out everyday to eat out so he doesn’t hassle his mum but he can’t go out to do the school run for his own children because that’s too much for him? He’s walking all over you and you’re allowing it

There is no way I’d put up with any of that.

I used to have severe anxiety so got therapy and medication for it. I didn't get to check out of parenting like this piss taker. What a cushty life he has

Questions you need to ask
What treatment is he receiving ? If none, why not ?

Is he paying towards the upkeep of the kids ? If not, why not ?

If he can get out of the house for food, why can't he can get out of the house to

visit his kids ?

How long are you prepared to put up with this without him changing ?

This is the sort of situation that can drag on and on. Something has to change - and if he can't change, you will need to be the one who does, otherwise you'll still be in this situation in 5 / 10 years.

I vividly recall a "step up or ship out" conversation I had with my DP who had depression for several years and was refusing to seek help. He honestly thought that because I stayed, things were OK between us. I'd been walking on egg shells for years, and he had interpretated that as me being OK. Have that conversation sooner rather than later - this situation is not, and never has been OK and is having a negative impact on the children and your relationship.

he doesn’t want to hassle his mum, so he eats out every day.

I assume you mean gets a takeaway delivered?

Is there any reason he doesn’t just cook?
Why does he not cook for himself as well as his parents?
Its the least he can do for them.

Does he work?
How does he afford to eat takeaway every single day - that’s money his kids could be using.

OP you need to work on your boundaries - he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too.

It's very expensive to eat out/have takeaways every day. How is he affording this if he's not working?
I usually limit takeaways to once a week and am pretty comfortably off, have to admit it.
He is taking the piss.

Sounds to me like he just can’t be arsed to parent. Many of us mothers have suffered with post natal depression and aren’t able to simply ‘opt out’ - even if it is genuine depression, my sympathy is capped if he isn’t seeking help.

He doesn’t want to hassle his mum, so he eats out every day

He says he feels like he has agoraphobia so is scared to be alone outside on the journey

It's interesting that his "agoraphobia" clears up when he's hungry.

@Kardelen He doesn't want to be a parent. You are already separated - you're living in different houses.
Is he providing any financial support for food or clothing for his children?
Is he doing anything positive for them?
He's certainly not reading them a story and putting them to bed, is he?

Don't let this carry on.
Get some legal advice.

he wanted to be a present dad and teach them

@Kardelen what on earth could he teach them. He hardly sees them, has moved away, has agoraphobia and can't go out except when he's hungry, won't collect them from school...

Why would you LET him teach them anything?

Sweetheart. When you were 9 and dreamed of being a princess was this the life you imagined? Was this family life how you imagined?

You deserve better. He may well be ill, but he needs to seek help and do better. You are juggling enough life to solve this. x

Jesus
I couldn't be wasting my time with this nonsense and I wouldnt want my kids around him.

He sounds fucking pathetic and I wouldn't want my children getting any ideas and modelling this behaviour.

Take him to piss off and come back when hes sorted himself out. He cannot be having any kind of net positive effect on your children.

The in laws are okay with the kids...? on that basis
I'd arrange to meet his parents out and about cafes / playgrounds/ days out and tell him to take me to court.
If they arent, dont facilitate contact.. but i'd only recommend that if they are truly awful vs i dont like them.

Ultimately... its your kids and both sets of parents housing their adult children and GC i feel sorry for

It seems like your husband has a window every day when he is feeling better, since he can go out to eat every day. Can you and the children meet up with him during that time? Meet up with him in a restaurant?