To be annoyed about BF friends?

[PinkSkyAtNight4]

Just looking for some perspective on this!

ive been dating my boyfriend for around 6 months now. He is Canadian and has no family here, but has a big group of fellow Canadian friends he met through uni. They meet up a lot (like around 5 times a week I’d say) which makes sense since none of them have family here so they’re like each others family. They do sports, go out, have dinner at each others houses etc

but AIBU or being antisocial to find this quite tiring? Me and my boyfriend do things together just the 2 of us, but a lot of the time we do things his friends will be there. Eg, we have dinner together at his house and I’m thinking we could make it a nice romantic dinner but then 3 of his friends are actually coming too. His parents and siblings are over to London next week and I was looking forward to meeting them, and he was going on about his excited they are to meet me and how excited he is to introduce me. Obviously it’s nerve wracking meeting the family and I want to make a good impression, and he’s planned a dinner event for us to meet. But now it turns out 3 of his friends will also be there, so it won’t be the same as just meeting them on my own and it feels more nerve wracking with more people there!

AIBU to find this a bit exhausting? His friends are lovely for what it’s worth, and they always include me and invite me to things, but it’s just so different to how often me and my friends meet up (understandably since they are each others family in London) but I just find it a little exhausting. Sometimes I just want to go home from work and just chill with my boyfriend without having to go to an event with 15 people I barely know and make small talk. And then do the same the next night. And the next

AIBU or would this annoy other people too?! He’s a great bf so I feel bad saying this but just looking for perspective on it

Truthfully I couldn't hack this either! But they sound like a lovely bunch of people supporting each other with company and friendship.
Just tell your BF that at least a couple of times a week you want to see him without his buddies.

If you're tagging along and seeing his friends five times a week, when do you see your own friends? Have you actually said to him that you want to go on a date, just the two of you? This sounds like a social life that suits him, but you don't have to go every time. Equally, unless you say you want an evening a week just the two of you then he's unlikely to guess.

They absolutely are. That’s why I feel so guilty for getting frustrated about it because honestly they’re lovely! I think im just naturally a bit more introverted than him so maybe it’s a me problem more than a him problem

To be honest me and my friends have always had the type of friendship where we don’t meet up as often as that. Maybe once a week/fortnight or so- we talk most days though and have a big group chat but we’ve all moved away from each other and have busy lives so we don’t meet up as often as them but never did even before that tbh x

You should do a swap with the exasperated wives who’s dhs have zero social life outside them!

Neither he nor his friends are doing anything wrong. It's just something different to what you're used to. You need to tell him that you want a night just for you. Or be proactive, book a table and tell hime you're going on a date next saturday. It sounds like you're being far too passive in all this.

You've only been dating 6 months, you don't have go to everything if you find it exhausting.

Clarify beforehand if its just you two.

Ultimately dating is finding out if you're compatible or not, and it sounds like you're not, even if he is lovely, his lifestyle is too much for you.

Ive done that! I’ve not actually been passive IMO. I’ve told him we should have a nice night just us 2. I’ve suggested a romantic dinner at home just us 2 but then his friends come anyway. Sometimes he invites them, sometimes they just pop round. He also has a flatmate who invites them round which is fair enough, but it’s frustrating because my boyfriend and I could still go into another room and watch a movie together but he ends up just staying with his friends all night and we end up just hanging out together. I’ve booked us a table together- then when we go back to his place, his friends just come over and they meet up as usual because that’s what they do most nights. It’s hard to actually get away from it and just spend time together but I’ve actively tried

Yanbu obviously its good he has friends and absolutely should see them but 5 times a week for an adult is a lot don't they have girlfriends/wives, kids etc.

You’ve only been with him 6 months, he clearly very sociable, it would be too much for me. But maybe you aren’t both that well suited.

He comes over as very immature imo. As though he is unable to do anything without reinforcement from.his social circle.

I couldn't be bothered with someone who never wanted to spend one to one time with me.

Honestly I don't think you are compatible. You would be better off with someone who actually enjoyed your company.

hang out at your place?

Reminds me of student days.

I am socilable but this would be too much for me.

I think you are not well suited, it would be too much for me

Yeah I was about to say this - you're basically dating the emotional equivalent of
an exchange student in their final year. And I have studied abroad so recognise the dynamic. It's not just about being "family" abroad - who sees their family 5 nights a week (and I mean a big group, not just seeing mum for a cup of tea).

He wants a girl in his friendship group he can sleep with, not a partner to build a life with.

Maybe he is seeing you more like a girlfriend who is part of the group than a partner who he is more committed to?

Have a night in and meal for 2 at your place? Surely his friends wouldn’t just come to yours uninvited?

I wouldn't want to build a life with this guy anyway. You can imagine OP with a house of children and the boyfriend will be at other people's houses. It's not wrong per se, he's just different to you. Personally I'd cut my losses.

I just think you aren’t compatible.

He probably finds it quite odd that you are there all of the time or that you don’t see your own friends/invite them.

You say he sees them 5x a week - so could you arrange things on the days he doesn’t see them?

Its really common on MN for women to invite their DHs everywhere and it would odd for them to see their friends without their DHs.
This is similar as you are being invited into their world type thing.

I would find this a bit tiring but I also can’t stand people who stop seeing their friends as soon as they get a DP.
He is not wanting to see you any less but also doesn’t want to see his friends any less - which is fine.

I would sit him down and ask that one day a week you get to spend it just you two.
On the other days, you can have a mixture of seeing him with his friends but also doing your own thing too.

I think it’s fine for his friends to meet his parents, he’s known them a lot longer than you and will obviously love them more. It also takes the pressure off you.

But honestly I think you’re perhaps a bit too different and so I’m not sure how long this will last.

5 times a week is alot.

Dont think you need to attend all these do you? let him go off see his pals if he wants to.

Why don’t you go to your place rather than his?!

Why are you constantly at his place and not at yours?

His home is their home and so if you want some time away from them, then you need to go to your place instead.

just to answer a few questions- we do sometimes meet at my place, but sometimes he’ll still suggest inviting everyone over! And I completely understand his friends want to see his family when they’re over but they’re coming for 5 weeks fgs so it’s not like they won’t get another chance, I really don’t think it’s too much to ask for the night I meet them not to have his friends tag along.

the 5 days a week thing was just a ballpark- sometimes it’s more, sometimes less but generally it’s most days. I don’t feel like I have to go along but it feels like if I don’t then I’ll hardly ever get to see him! We get on really well and he’s a lovely person but the relationship has been quite slow in terms of intimacy and I honestly think part of that is because his friends are almost always there!

I genuinely do really like him, but I’m just starting to think we’re not as compatible as I initially thought

Have you told him you want some just him and you time? What does he say?

You're not compatible. He's more invested in his friendships than in you.