To be annoyed about BF friends?

[PinkSkyAtNight4]

Just looking for some perspective on this!

ive been dating my boyfriend for around 6 months now. He is Canadian and has no family here, but has a big group of fellow Canadian friends he met through uni. They meet up a lot (like around 5 times a week I’d say) which makes sense since none of them have family here so they’re like each others family. They do sports, go out, have dinner at each others houses etc

but AIBU or being antisocial to find this quite tiring? Me and my boyfriend do things together just the 2 of us, but a lot of the time we do things his friends will be there. Eg, we have dinner together at his house and I’m thinking we could make it a nice romantic dinner but then 3 of his friends are actually coming too. His parents and siblings are over to London next week and I was looking forward to meeting them, and he was going on about his excited they are to meet me and how excited he is to introduce me. Obviously it’s nerve wracking meeting the family and I want to make a good impression, and he’s planned a dinner event for us to meet. But now it turns out 3 of his friends will also be there, so it won’t be the same as just meeting them on my own and it feels more nerve wracking with more people there!

AIBU to find this a bit exhausting? His friends are lovely for what it’s worth, and they always include me and invite me to things, but it’s just so different to how often me and my friends meet up (understandably since they are each others family in London) but I just find it a little exhausting. Sometimes I just want to go home from work and just chill with my boyfriend without having to go to an event with 15 people I barely know and make small talk. And then do the same the next night. And the next

AIBU or would this annoy other people too?! He’s a great bf so I feel bad saying this but just looking for perspective on it

We do! They still get invited! But also, I’m not saying his friends can’t go over to his home for god sake I totally get it’s their home too, but is it really too much to ask for us to spend time together in a different room after sitting with them for hours? Or if we go out for dinner, for it just to be us 2 sometimes without all his friends coming along?

Does he want you to be constantly hanging out with him & his friends?
I don't think he needs to change necessarily, it's obviously just who he is.

Sounds like he needs a partner who has an equally busy, independent life who is happy to come together sometimes but also happy to do their own thing too.

Have to be honest, it sounds like you are looking for different things from this relationship.
The fact you are worrying about meeting his parents but he has lumped you in with meeting them alongside his mates should tell you that you might be viewing things differently?

Does he actually want to spend time alone with you? Quite rude of him to invite his friends to your house. Does he ask you first? If so why don’t you just say no?

Can you not ask him to not invite his friends round to yours?

As PPs have said, he sees you more of a friend rather than a serious relationship.
Theres nothing wrong with that but

How old are you both? DH and I spent most nights with friends in our early twenties. It slowly started dwindling mid 20s-30s luckily at the same time for us both. I ask because it can be normal for younger people to spend most of their time socialising and for this to ease off as they get older so if you are young I'd probably keep going. If you're both older, I'd consider ending the relationship because your social needs are very different.

That's who he is. He sounds lovely and his friends sound nice, too. But if it's too full-on for you, then perhaps you are not meant to be together permanently?
I have some Canadian relatives and they are friendly, open, honest, gregarious, somewhat innocently trusting, and - to my cynical London Euro-leaning self - a bit too "Marjorie Morningstar" for my taste. It's a case of whether you want to lean more into their way of being and accept their brand of loveliness, or whether you'd find it too exhausting as a full-time way of life. Good that you've noticed it at this early stage.

That's a lot, are you there every single time? It's very early in the relationship so he's clearly just living life as he normally does and maybe not thought too deeply about it. For him you're great, you get along with his friends, it's perfect 👌

You could suggest let's just do such and such on our own, arrange a meal or event for just the two of you?

He probably expects you to have similar commitments so want to be your own friends as well.

As for the family meal, first time meeting will be less intense with extras there so this isn't so bad. Xx

Sounds like you're an introvert, and he's an extrovert. I had a boyfriend like that once. It was exhausting.

I don't think you're really compatiable, OP.

You are not compatible.
This is who he is.
You would be wise to not expect him to change dramatically. Some people love to socialise above all else, and never lose that need.
Which is fine.....unless you marry them and are silly enough to have children.
THEN it becomes a huge issue as they want to socialise and the routine of family life doesn't appeal at all.
I couldn't be with someone like that.
Fine in your early 20's and mid 20's, but certainly not into your 30's.

It sounds to me like he isn’t as invested in the relationship as you are, what man wouldn’t want a couple of mate free nights at the early stages of a relationship to be spontaneous?

I’m curious to how you met? I think it’s great he has an active social life and built a community around him. However this now reads that you are forever just sitting around him on the sidelines. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. Maybe creating some distance might be of benefit.

Is it a 'cultural' thing? Something Canadians do? Or just because they are far from home?

I know when I watch US tv shows like Friends or Big Bang Theory it's terribly sweet and completely unreal that people hang out every night with a big group of friends and do everything together. Even on shows like NCIS when one member of the team has a baby, car accident, parent in hospital etc then the entire group seems to go to the hospital and hang out for hours in the waiting room and be there for each other.

I assumed this was all bollocks because it would be weird in the UK to have this happen but maybe there are groups of people who do live their lives like this.

I don’t think you’re compatible!

There definitely are. My best friend has married into a group of men from my home town who all went to our school together and 20 years later see each other with and without wives - pretty much all week. It's been years and years of stag/hen dos, weddings and baby showers. I'm exhausted just hearing about it!

It seems odd to me that you join him and his friends night after night.

Can you imagine if someone started a thread to say their friend had started seeing someone and this new partner inserted themselves into the group night after night ? The replies would all be saying how inappropriate it was and there would be accusations of controlling behaviour.

Give the man some space. Carry on with your own life. Do your own hobbies or sport or volunteering or whatever you do. See your own friends. Then sort out a combination of
a) seeing him with his friends
b) seeing him with your friends
c) seeing him on your own

You currently sound like a limpet just doing what he is doing every night.

I actually think the first time you meet his family would be really nice to be part of a bigger group - it takes the pressure off. It wouldn't be at all surprising that he wouldn't want to make it into a 'big thing' with his parents, that he's become friendly with someone in another country on his year out.

Oh my gosh you literally couldn’t have got it more wrong if you tried

it’s not controlling and I don’t want to come along to every event with his friends! I do give him space wtf. I don’t even see him everyday/night either. What happens is he suggests doing something, or we make plans (as normal couples do) then when i go along it turns out his friends are coming too. So what, do i just never make plans with him? Don’t really appreciate being called a limpet either thanks, especially when it’s not true and I don’t just tag along with him and his friends every night as you seem to think

thanks everyone else though for your more helpful advice. He’s a great guy, but with a bit of thought behind it I’m not sure we’re as compatible as I thought and need to have a rethink about things x

Definitely not bollocks! I don’t think it’s a Canadian specific thing either haha. It’s just because they have no other family here so otherwise would go home to an empty house. They’re sort of compensating by seeing each other every night which makes sense and I’d probably be the same if I moved away and didn’t have my family to see regularly

You’re just not compatible, OP. I’d let this one go. No one’s doing anything wrong, your lives just don’t gel well. He’d be mad to downgrade friendships that are evidently important to him for the sake of a new relationship that may not last, and you’re worn out with his normal for socialising.

If he always suggests his friends come over, even to your place, then I'd say he's not as fussed about spending one on one time with you... or at least not as much time as you'd like.

Can he come to your place instead of you going to his?

Sorry I just saw he has invited them to your place.

It is good that they all support each other while finding their feet in a different country. But there are 15 of them so surely the other 14 would manage without him when he wanted to go on a date with his girlfriend.

Expecting to regularly have dates and spend time alone with your boyfriend isn't unreasonable. Without that, aren't you just one of the crowd, but one he happens to have sex with? I'm not suggesting he consciously sees you that way but he isn't consciously setting time aside to date you either. And I think having you tag along with his friends when his family visits bears that out.

As you've already explained how you feel about this and he sees no reason to adjust to take your feelings into account, it seems you each have very different ideas on what a relationship should be. You are only six months in. Cut your losses and find someone who's views align more naturally with your own.

Yanbu. Even in Friends or Big Bang Theory they all spend time alone as couples!

I had a BF when I was younger who didn't want to spend time alone with me. When I broke up with him (tired of his lack of general interest in me) he asked if I'd marry him anyway so he'd be able to stay in the country. Even offered me money. It suddenly made sense why he wanted to be in a relationship with me without spending hardly any time with me alone! Not saying that applies here, but worth considering.

It's really weird that he's trying to invite them to hang out at yours. Who cares if his family isn't here - who invites their family over to their girlfriends like that?!

And I've also lived in very large sociable house shares but couples would often retire early, after dinner say, to have time alone, and that includes couples who both belonged to the group, as well as "guest" BFs/GFs. The couple would also come back from a night out together, say a quick hi and then head up to bed.

The kindest way to look at it is you're not compatible. But that's being quite kind. If you're not getting much out of this, I'd reconsider the relationship. It doesn't sound like he's serious about you if he's introducing you to family with friends there. It all sounds very young, non committal and just not that enjoyable unless you have clicked with the wider group (which is all fine if that suits you of course).

The key here is to be absolutely clear that his is how he wants to live his life. It’s not his friends piling in on his 121 time with you, he is happy with it or it would not be happening.

Once you accept that, you can decide whether that kind of relationship is what you want. not easy, but very very simple.

I'd say there'll be a lot less pressure on your meeting his parents if there's more people there. They won't be focused on just you which should ease your nerves a bit. Be honest with your BF letting him know when you want an evening with just you & him. Go to the events when you want to & if it means him going on his own a coupe of times a week coz you don't fancy it then so be it. If they're lovely people & you get on well with them then it shouldn't be a problem not going to every meet up.