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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third age sex dilemma

31 replies

bonjourtristesse16 · 16/02/2026 02:11

I have name changed for very obvious reasons. I am really struggling, throwing away an almost four decade marriage because I cannot summon up the desire to please my husband.It is not a decision to take lightly but I cannot/do not, expect him to stay.

We have a lovely contented life or so I thought.

My husband of almost 40 years has decided that, after almost 25 years of no sexual intimacy, mutually agreed, that it's no longer acceptable, for him.

I have zero desire but obviously have capitulated to avert his feelings of rejection.

I'm thinking that we should actually divorce, as I really cannot continue to force myself to be sexually intimate when I really don't want to be.

So often, on MN, I see people saying that sex is such a significant and vital part of a relationship and without it, for some, the relationship would be untenable but I've never felt that way.

So YANBU = to think that divorce is the only way forward so that you are both "happy"

YABU = there is another way, but what, on earth, would that look like?

OP posts:
Fucked77 · 16/02/2026 02:55

25 years?? Divorce. There is definitely something wrong there

notimeforregrets · 16/02/2026 03:27

Did he really agree to no intimacy 25 years ago? How old were you then and how old are you now? Yes, you should divorce. Neither of you is wrong but you are not compatible. Would you consider an open marriage? Women in your husband's situation are often advised on MN to find a discreet lover, would you be ok with your husband doing that?

Idratherhaveafishsupper · 16/02/2026 03:34

You are not alone! I am in a similar position. Have absolutely no desire to have sex with my husband or anyone else.

The difference is, my hubby is accepting of our situation so can’t offer advice.

LucyLoo1972 · 16/02/2026 03:36

my DH and I didnt have a sexual relationship with penetrative sex becasue I had a condition called vaginismus. we didnt though sit down and discuss it openly and come ot an agreement. I felt os terribly guilty it impacted my MH so badly that I went into psychosis and I lost everythign. we had had a good marriage I think although people now say he was abusive in ways. I dont know

Zanatdy · 16/02/2026 04:38

After 25yrs 100% you need to divorce.

ScholesPanda · 16/02/2026 07:43

I'd say you need to divorce.

The only other option I can see is to allow him to have sex with other people- and open marriage if you will.

Perfect28 · 16/02/2026 07:48

Is there any reason you have no desire? Have you ever tried to evaluate that?

Pigeonpoodle · 16/02/2026 07:51

What led to you deciding to stop having sex 25 years ago? And how old are you now?

It seems strange that he’s only raising this now. I’m struggling to believe that he’s suddenly develop an overwhelming urge to have sex in his 60/70s that he hasn’t had in the preceding 25 years. I’d imagine he’s been keeping it suppressed for decades.

I think you either need to permit him to have sex outside the marriage, or divorce.

PermanentTemporary · 16/02/2026 07:55

What happened after 15 years that you mutually agreed to stop having sex?

Tbh I feel for him. It sounds as if you won’t blame him if he does leave. I doubt very much that an open marriage would suit you both - he clearly values relationships- but perhaps you can remain close friends. IMO I don’t think this would be a bad outcome.

Elizabeta · 16/02/2026 07:56

Presumably he’s been sleeping with other people for 25 years, but now he’s older he can’t find anyone else so he’s back to begging you.

It’s not the sort of marriage I’d like to be in.

BeaRightThere · 16/02/2026 07:56

Your options are pretty stark I think. Either you divorce or you explore an open marriage, which naturally also comes with risks. He may fall in love with a partner and want to leave anyway. That's not to say it can't work, and if you want to remain married then it is an option to seriously consider.

I don't think it is reasonable or fair to expect him to be celibate. He's evidently tried that for a long time and it isn't what he wants from his life. Which is entirely fair and understandable.

beAsensible1 · 16/02/2026 08:04

Are you asexual? Have you been to the dr? Is this how you want to be?

if this is how you want it then yes divorce. It’s not fair.

CaravanCurtains · 16/02/2026 09:32

How old are you both?
You say you have a contented life. Does he?

Do you in any way contribute to each others contentment?
Do you love/like each other?

Dancingsquirrels · 16/02/2026 09:37

Plenty of people do indeed live happily in sexless marriage

And no one should be pressured to have sex

But if this is a deal breaker for either of you, then sadly this may be the end of the road

Random321 · 16/02/2026 13:16

I think he's given it his best efforts in fairness to him. Foregoing sex for 25 years wouldn't be possible for most people.

You aren't wrong to avoid sex you don't want but are perhaps a little naive to think if wouldn't have a severe detrimental impact on your marraige.

Boomer55 · 16/02/2026 16:39

bonjourtristesse16 · 16/02/2026 02:11

I have name changed for very obvious reasons. I am really struggling, throwing away an almost four decade marriage because I cannot summon up the desire to please my husband.It is not a decision to take lightly but I cannot/do not, expect him to stay.

We have a lovely contented life or so I thought.

My husband of almost 40 years has decided that, after almost 25 years of no sexual intimacy, mutually agreed, that it's no longer acceptable, for him.

I have zero desire but obviously have capitulated to avert his feelings of rejection.

I'm thinking that we should actually divorce, as I really cannot continue to force myself to be sexually intimate when I really don't want to be.

So often, on MN, I see people saying that sex is such a significant and vital part of a relationship and without it, for some, the relationship would be untenable but I've never felt that way.

So YANBU = to think that divorce is the only way forward so that you are both "happy"

YABU = there is another way, but what, on earth, would that look like?

You do what you choose. If you still desire sex, with your DH/partner, whatever your age, then great, nothing better.

If you don’t, then there’s a reason, so sort that out.

Randomuser2026 · 16/02/2026 16:42

I don’t think divorce is necessary, but I do think you should have long conversations about a way through this before making a decision.

How do you feel about him having someone else on the side?

Original poster
bonjourtristesse16 · 17/02/2026 08:54

Very many thanks to everyone who replied, it is greatly appreciated and has
certainly given me pause.💐

OP posts:
gototogo · 17/02/2026 09:00

Fine for you to not want sex but equally fine for him to want it. I’d have left my dh 24.5 years ago if it had dried up! Just being honest.

Screamingabdabz · 17/02/2026 09:10

I personally know at least 5 middle aged devoted couples who have sexless marriages. It makes my a heart sink when posters talk about that like it it’s an impossibility. It isn’t. It’s probably a lot more common in middle aged than we know if my small sample is anything to go by. But I think this must be mutually acceptable.

If my DH cared more about getting his dick wet than he cared about me I’d gladly let him free because he wouldn’t be someone I’d respect anyway.

Boomer55 · 17/02/2026 09:23

25 years? I’m sorry but I’d have been gone years ago, unless it was unavoidable health issues.

You might both be happier apart.

BeaRightThere · 17/02/2026 11:56

Screamingabdabz · 17/02/2026 09:10

I personally know at least 5 middle aged devoted couples who have sexless marriages. It makes my a heart sink when posters talk about that like it it’s an impossibility. It isn’t. It’s probably a lot more common in middle aged than we know if my small sample is anything to go by. But I think this must be mutually acceptable.

If my DH cared more about getting his dick wet than he cared about me I’d gladly let him free because he wouldn’t be someone I’d respect anyway.

Women who don't want or enjoy sex always reduce it "getting his dick wet" or finding other ways to make wanting sex sound perverted and wrong. It is a perfectly normal human want and there is nothing at all wrong with desiring it. Your husband could just as easily say he has lost respect for you because you can't be bothered to share a physical connection with him.

Basquervill · 17/02/2026 11:59

Screamingabdabz · 17/02/2026 09:10

I personally know at least 5 middle aged devoted couples who have sexless marriages. It makes my a heart sink when posters talk about that like it it’s an impossibility. It isn’t. It’s probably a lot more common in middle aged than we know if my small sample is anything to go by. But I think this must be mutually acceptable.

If my DH cared more about getting his dick wet than he cared about me I’d gladly let him free because he wouldn’t be someone I’d respect anyway.

Yes, you are right. I know lots of couples who don’t have sex or who have hardly any sex. It isn’t unusual at all, but is probably only disclosed in safe spaces.

Livpool · 17/02/2026 12:01

YANBU

Neither of you are wrong but you’re not compatible. I don’t think he is disrespectful, as a PP has hinted, I am female and enjoy sex very much, I am 45 now. I really don’t know how I would feel if DH suddenly said he didn’t want sex ever again.

JHound · 17/02/2026 12:04

The options are:

a) Continue to submit to sex you do not want (I absolutely could not do this and understand you not wanting to)

b) Open the marriage (but that risks him falling for somebody else and the marriage ends anyway).

c) Amicable divorce.

It’s weird after 25 years he suddenly wants sex again.