Third age sex dilemma

[bonjourtristesse16]

I have name changed for very obvious reasons. I am really struggling, throwing away an almost four decade marriage because I cannot summon up the desire to please my husband.It is not a decision to take lightly but I cannot/do not, expect him to stay.

We have a lovely contented life or so I thought.

My husband of almost 40 years has decided that, after almost 25 years of no sexual intimacy, mutually agreed, that it's no longer acceptable, for him.

I have zero desire but obviously have capitulated to avert his feelings of rejection.

I'm thinking that we should actually divorce, as I really cannot continue to force myself to be sexually intimate when I really don't want to be.

So often, on MN, I see people saying that sex is such a significant and vital part of a relationship and without it, for some, the relationship would be untenable but I've never felt that way.

So YANBU = to think that divorce is the only way forward so that you are both "happy"

YABU = there is another way, but what, on earth, would that look like?

I also think there is nothing wrong with a sexless marriage nor that a romantic partnership needs to include sex.

You say yours was mutually agreed which is fine.

It only becomes an issue when a celibate marriage is not what both parties want which is where you both are now.

Oooh I had not thought about it like this!

This, with bells on. Honestly despair at all the people who would dump a partner due to sex alone, as if love, companionship, history and family don't matter. Probably they'd dump a partner who became ill. The big question OP is why now? Sometimes enhanced sexual desire and inhibition can be a bi-product of medication, such as for Parkinsons. What has changed? Are there any other options. After a lifetime together as a minimum you should look to talk it all through in couples counselling.

Do you masturbate, or have you no interest in sex at all? If all he wants is the pleasure why not suggest he has sex in some safe form outside your marriage and budget for it?

That's the quickest way to get a divorce

Seriously? That’s how simple it is for you?

Don’t you think it’s rather dismissive of the other’s viewpoint?
Just because you think rejecting someone physically for years on end is no big deal, doesn’t mean that your partner has to accept it as gospel.

You have to get your head out of your arse and accept that actually it is a big deal, and your arrogant dismissal is just as ruinous to a relationship as any coercive giving in to unwanted sex to keep a pest happy (until next time)