Dd 12 has a gf

[Ddhasgf]

Sorry, posting for traffic. Long time user just new name. Penguin bollards etc.

Dd is 12, and only chils and has had a life peppered with the trauma of loss and bereavement. She is razor sharp, smart and exceeds above expectations academically, but is very socially awkward, in part due to past trauma but also a medical condition. She has always had difficulty forming friendships.

There is a suspicion of autism and ahe ia awaiting assessment.

During a games night, dd has announced she is in a relationship. Apparently it has been going on since October, it is with a girl in her year but not in her classes.

I haven't made a big deal of it, other than to say I was sad she didn't feel she could tell me earlier, but as long as she is happy and safe that is all that matters.

Nothing has happened, they haven't kissed etc and we have had a chat this evening and i have reminded her that regardless of whether she is dating a girl or a boy that anything sexual is illegal under 16.

She has said she is not sure how she feels about it all, which I think she means she isn't sure if she just likes girls or is bi etc.

My worry is that she has never really had friends and so I do wonder if this is more about her finally having someone close.but I don't want to push her and drive a wedge.

How do I navigate this?

What is there for you to navigate?
Be it a friendship or a relationship, it's fantastic that she has found someone she connects with.

Let it play out, my DSD (13) was very excited about being gay a year ago until she suddenly decided she was straight. Some friendships feel so intense at that age, they are infatuation. As long as she knows she isn't judged by you, she'll be able to navigate it.

Trust her to find her own way and be there to support her when relationships end as they invariably do at that age. In a similar situation as my child has told me they like the same sex. They are a bit younger though. We'll just see what the next few years bring. They know I'll be there for them when they decide they want to tell others but at the moment they want to keep it a secret.

I don't disagree, however, she is a very young 12 and I am not sure she fully understands the nuances of friendships.

I think this is my worry, one of the reasons school are pushing for an autism assessment is because she becomes so completely obsessed over things and I am worried thia ia what is happening here.

I don't know the other girl, she is a new friend since starting at secondary school.

Well… I was having sex with a girl in my school from age 13. Sure, you can’t get pregnant from it, but it’s too young emotionally to handle the impact of a sexual relationship. The mum here isn’t wrong to have concerns about what it might mean for her.

Thank you!

Dd and I have always been very close, there was a shift October in her behaviour and she has become very defiant since which is also a worry.

She had a rough time at school with some safeguarding issues where school failed to keep her safe in a situation that was totally avoidable. She has an anaphylaxis reaction to somwthing a bit niche and a certain teacher keeps including thia item in lessons. It has resulted in dd losing all trust in school and their ability to keep her safe. I am working closely with their DSL and we are slowly rebuilding things but dd ia not one to forgive or forget.

I am worried she is vulnerable .

She might not yet but she will learn about them. Is her girlfriend similar? Is she socially awkward/suspected ND too? Our gut is always to protect our kids but when I was 12 I didn't tell my mum anything like that. I think we should be grateful that they feel they can trust us with big stuff. I honestly think all we can do is just walk beside them as they find their own way and be there to pick up the pieces when relationships go sour. If we get all overprotective it will only push them away. You've told her that anything sexual is for 16 and over so its up to her to decide what she does with that information. We all know some kids go earlier than 16. I actually think she'd be less likely to go too far with a girl than a boy. We all know what boys are like for putting the pressure on. 🙄

@DollydaydreamTheThird I think that is very unfair on boys! Some yes, but also in my experience of things, some girls are just as likely to force things too.

As I have said, I haven't met the other girl so I don't know. I am hoping dd will invite her round now I know so.i cam get a better understanding of the dynamic.

I am part of a group for parents of children with additional needs, and have three friends who have autistic girls. All of them decided they were gay at some point, but none of them are now. I honestly think it’s simply friendship, misunderstood. Like your DD, there was no actual sex involved.

She's 12? Too young for a "relationship".
(not counting the fake primary school ones that never involve spending any time together, just declaring that you're an item!)

This is my gut instinct if I am honest. Not that i have said nor will say that to dd.

I do go through her phone regularly and there has never been anything to suggest anything beyond a close friendship.

She has been hurt so much by close family/friends dying and my ex walking out without a word and ghosting us both and it very much scares me that this is a reaction to someone showing care for her.

I know I just need to wait and see, but I am also a prepped on these circumstances,for all scenarios...

God, I’m so sorry - I totally understand. My children have ana allergies too. I’m so anxious about the shift to secondary.

Anywya, on your DD I would say it’s a really good sign that she’s told you. Be enthusiastic but put the same boundaries in place you would for a relationship young lad - no closed bedroom doors etc. The situation for me was complicated by it being the 90s and neither of us knowing how to handle our experiences as we both liked boys too, so we had a lot of time solo together as we constantly slept at each others houses as friends. Becuse that’s how we would have defined our relationship if asked. Despite this experience it took me til I was in my thirties (and married to a man) to realise that I’m actually bi.

Att least your girl has been upfront. The kids today have much more awareness, so that’s a great place to start from. Also another poster said what if she changes her mind later? I don’t think that matters these days - relationships are just between two people, the binary isn’t such an issue.

@Theonlywayicanloveyou funnily enough i have said that to her tonight, I don't care who she dates, but the rules are seperate rooms if there are sleepovers and no closed doors.

She can identify as gay/straight/undecided/furry etc. As long as she is sage and happy I dont care.

I am just not convinced she is safe

Always keep the conversation open. The best way to ensure that is to show no judgement whatsoever unless she is literally in danger. When the door of communication is open you will be turned to if there are any fears or concerns and can step in if needed. I’ve raised an autistic daughter who was vulnerable and I’ve been in a similar place at times. It’s part of growing up and discovering themselves and as long as she trusts you and you love her unconditionally she will be fine.

@DollydaydreamTheThird wow how very judgemental and sexist. In a conversation about girls you still manage to insult boys where there’s no need to and no boy involved.

What makes her situation feel unsafe to you? Have you met this girl?

12 is the prime time for getting crushes and figuring out your sexuality. Just maintain open communication and let her figure it out. All you can do is be supportive and implement the same rules you would for an opposite sex relationship at that age, whatever they may be. At that age it's likely to just be an intense friendship with a bit of hand holding. As I said, keep talking to her, speak clearly about consent, sex, and the emotional impact of that stuff, and support her.

Just the fact that she is so vulnerable especially where emotions are concerned.

As I have repeatedly said I don't know the other girl.

She's 12. She will have known she was gay a long time ago around 6 or 7 max.

I think it's great she told you, and I'd just try and be there for her when she wants to talk to you. I'd try and wait for her to raise things with you, especially as an only child it could feel too much intensity for her if you raise their relationship too much.

I think @DollydaydreamTheThird is just being realistic. I think boys are great but they are not the same as girls when it comes to sex.

Just keep lines of communication open. Show an interest, without being judgemental. Meet the girl. Keep checking her phone. Keep talking to her about healthy relationships and boundaries . If she’s happy and the relationship (even if it’s just a friendship) is healthy, let them be. If there are any red flags, you can then reassess. Is there any way you can help her expand her social circle? That will massively help too.

I didn't know I was heterosexual at 6 or 7.

I had no interest in anything other than playing out etc at that age