Dd 12 has a gf

[Ddhasgf]

Sorry, posting for traffic. Long time user just new name. Penguin bollards etc.

Dd is 12, and only chils and has had a life peppered with the trauma of loss and bereavement. She is razor sharp, smart and exceeds above expectations academically, but is very socially awkward, in part due to past trauma but also a medical condition. She has always had difficulty forming friendships.

There is a suspicion of autism and ahe ia awaiting assessment.

During a games night, dd has announced she is in a relationship. Apparently it has been going on since October, it is with a girl in her year but not in her classes.

I haven't made a big deal of it, other than to say I was sad she didn't feel she could tell me earlier, but as long as she is happy and safe that is all that matters.

Nothing has happened, they haven't kissed etc and we have had a chat this evening and i have reminded her that regardless of whether she is dating a girl or a boy that anything sexual is illegal under 16.

She has said she is not sure how she feels about it all, which I think she means she isn't sure if she just likes girls or is bi etc.

My worry is that she has never really had friends and so I do wonder if this is more about her finally having someone close.but I don't want to push her and drive a wedge.

How do I navigate this?

Oh do give over. No child has any idea avout sexual orientation at that age.

That is the current plan.

She normally talks to me about everything so ita weird that thia has been kept such a secret.

When I have read further back through her messages this morning to when this first started there is a reference to GF saying have you told hwr and dd saying she didn't feel confident wbiugh. Gf has then laboured the point a bit which is possibly why I feel so uneasy about it all.

Thank you for the sensible inputs!

Don’t be ludicrous

Went through all that with DD myself. It was all good , until it wasn’t, but I was there to pick up the pieces and support. She also had a good friendship group to fall back onto, which massively helped.

Thisbgf is closely enmeshed with her new friendship group and it seems to have already caused a wedge with the girl she has been best friends with since they started high school.

Urgh...I am not ready for this 🤣🤣

Neither was I. It was such a hard balance to strike between keeping her safe (emotionally) and letting her come to the right conclusion without pushing too much. That’s what started the beginning of the end for her. The GF wanted her to cut ties with one particular friend , which in reality would’ve meant losing all her friends. DD refused to , but she wasn’t quite ready to let the GF go either . It took a while , but we got there. I was lucky that she came to me frequently for advice and support.

At 12 she's unlikely to understand the nuances of anything - that takes time and practice. You sound very clued in, so just keep listening to your daughter - and now and then, give her a squeeze!

The one thing that I'm thinking reading your post is, it is normal for children from this age to seek out slightly more privacy from parents, and it's important. I think you telling her you are 'sad' she hadn't told you before is slightly off. I know you want to know, but you don't want to set a pattern where she feels as if anything she does can be counted as a guilty secret by you. Maybe another time reframe it as 'I'm so glad you felt you could tell me'?

Children pick up on the implications of what you say. She might feel as if she has to hide things from you if you react by implying she was wrong to have had a very short period of not telling you everything.

Invite her round.

Plenty.

I’d rejoice! The more girls who avoid relationships with boys then men, the better their mental and physical health, and the better off women and society will be as a whole!

I didnt say i was sad she hadnt told me, I said I felt sad she hadn't felt she could tell me. There is a big difference.

I have had a chat with a friend who's dd is in the same school year but not friends with my dd or in any classes with her. The GF seems to be well known for being openly gay and quite vocal about anything negative towards her behaviour etc being because people don't like her because she is gay. But friends dd says she is a nice enough girl and no one actually cares that she is gay

I think this is going to be something I need to tread very carefully wwth. For now I am just giving dd some space and telling her I love hwr and GF is welcome anytime so we shall see what happens next

Thanks for the support ladies!

Oh do give over

Thank you ♥️

I have always been very clear with dd that I am her mum first and her friend second. She knows the boundaries and she knows that I donwhat I say. We do have a very strong and close bond.

We have navigated a lot especially in the last few years. More than any kid her age should ever have to deal with id I am honest. So she does know she can talk to me about anything.

From chatting a bit more tonight when I got in from work (she was with my parents during the daythshe isnt really sure what she feels about everything and isnt sure if she is gay or not. She just knows she likes this girl a lot and sees her as more than just a friend. She didn't want to talk to me til she felt a bit more confident in what she was feeling etc and I think tested the waters by telling a few school friends. One of whom has spurned her a bit which hasn't helped her confidence in opening up.

Is there some miracle porthole where i can bypass the shitty teenage hormone years?? They were utterly shit going through them as a teenager myself, totally not ready for parenting through them 🤣🤣

Yes, sorry, I misquoted you, but I think that is worse TBH. It's coercive - she shouldn't have to feel she can tell you things.

Look, it's not a huge deal, just a thought that occurred to me.

Coercive...are you for real???

Think you meant to put some boys! Not all are the same.

I recently have had to deal with 2 situations in a school where we had 2 girls putting pressure on 2 lads to have sex. It works both ways.

Yes, I was. I did say it's not a huge deal, and you did ask for advice.

Are you always this rude?

Coming form the person accusing me ofsubjecting my dd to coercive control that is a bit rich

Um ... I said it was coercive.

That is not the same thing as 'coercive control,' which has a specific meaning.

I think you are overreacting.

I couldn't give a shit if its sexist. We all know its true. Who does the raping, pillaging, domestic abuse, murdering? Its not girls is it? 🙄

Well most people do. I'd a crush on Aragorn from LOTR when I was around 9. Most will know before then, it's natural.

Is it? What does having a crush mean really, at 6? I liked McGyver, and Kelly from Charlie's Angels at that age. I admired them/thought they were great - I didn't have any sexual feelings for either. Six year olds don't have sexual feelings.