Ex refusing to help cut autistic sons hair

[TheReaderIs]

My son is autistic (profoundly) and it is extremely stressful and difficult to cut his hair. Normally ex does it while I have to hold DS hands and stop him thrashing around.

Last time he did it I took him back to mine and I noticed a scratch from the clippers on his back, I took a photo a sent it to ex saying oh no, poor DS 😢

Ex took it really badly saying how I was accusing him of intentionally harming DS, I apologised immediately and said that really wasn’t my intention, I deleted the photo and reassured him that he did a really good job in very difficult circumstances.

Oldest said today that his dad will no longer help cut his brothers hair as “I have full custody”

I told oldest that his dad and I will discuss that together. I text ex and he said that my behaviour has been erratic and he doesn’t trust what I would do should that happen again (DS getting clipped) I also don’t like the idea of him discussing private matters with oldest or saying that I’ve been accusing his dad of stuff, I haven’t.

So this leaves me in the lurch now as it was always something we would do together. Was I very wrong to send him that photo? I didn’t mean anything by it or accuse him of anything.

Opinions welcome, thank you.

I think it was pretty mean of you at best and in his position I wouldn't want to do it again either. You tried to make him feel guilty and its no surprise he's worried about what you might do next time, report him?

Look for professionals who specialise in cutting hair for children and adults with autism.

It does sound pretty accusing to send him the photo to be honest. I would be annoyed too. What were you trying to achieve by it? I cannot really think of any positive reason for sending it. He was there when it happened. He probably felt bad already. He doesn’t need to be reminded.

This does seem like a difficult situation. It can be almost impossible to cut a child's hair without someone getting hurt if the child is thrashing around.

Did your son complain about the scratch? If not, why take the photo and send it to the ex?

The only possible motive for sending it would be for a ‘look what you did’ pa message.

I don’t blame him for not wanting to help going forward.

Ahh, wait. I’ve fallen for it again, haven’t I? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Your ex isn’t unreasonable to say no to future hair cutting.

Most people would have seen the pic and felt very guilty and he’s not unreasonable to feel doubly guilty because of the caption. He can’t have felt good cutting the hair and as ds gets older, stronger and thrashes more the chances of a worse injury will rise.

That wasn’t my intention at all to accuse or make him feel guilty. That’s not in my nature at all. I can see how it could be taken but I definitely did not intend it to come across that way, it’s a job I wouldn’t wish on anyone as DS is extremely strong and gets very distressed. It was more of the case of saying “poor thing!” I immediately apologised and deleted the photo. It was a mistake to send him that but it really wasn’t sent to make him feel guilty.

Eh?

It was a mistake, I wish I hadn’t now, it was done without thinking.

You 100% should not have sent that photo.

i wouldn’t be doing it either.

has your behaviour been erratic?

His issue is erratic behaviour, not the photo?

I agree, I shouldn’t have sent that, it really wasn’t sent with any malicious intent, it was silly and misguided. No, my behaviour has not been erratic.

Yeah I don't think I'd do it either after the photo to be honest.

But at least you understand it was wrong.

Take him to a barber to have a cut with scissors. My DS is autistic and hates having his hair cut, the clippers are really overwhelming. We found a female barber who has an autistic child, she is great with my DS and just follows him round with the scissors. He has got a lot more comfortable going after a few visits.

I wouldn't have taken it as an accusation that I had done it deliberately. That's an overreaction. But it was a dick move to send the photo as it was absolutely accusatory of having hurt him. All you can do is apologise again.

I apologised again to him and I said I can see how it came across. I said I made a mistake and I am sorry.

He’s terrified of the clippers, poor thing. I’m going to try cutting a bit when he’s asleep and I’ll look into autism friendly barbers too, thanks ☺️

I don't think it was a great idea to send the photo. Even if you didn't intend to it's likely to have made him feel guilty. However, your ds is still his son and still needs his haircut. If he isn't willing to help cut it anymore (and I understand why) he needs to work with you to find an alternative.

While it wasn't intentional on your part, I can see why he doesn't want to continue. Even without the photo, your DS is getting bigger, probibly more difficult to keep still and he might have already been feeling he can't safely do it anymore.

DS is autistic, and we did at home hair cuts until he was 8, but in the last year have found an amazing hairdresser. We book a double length cutting session in their sensory room, and she literally follows him round the room with scissors while he's playing (DS will tolerate it, if it's at his pace). They also offer a service where two stylists go at it with clippers at the same time, and can get the cut done in 2 minutes if you need to hold them.

Might be worth looking if there's anything similar in your area

Does he actually need/want his hair cut?

DS (ASD/PDA) hates haircuts so is growing his hair. He can cope with the odd trim with scissors so we stick to that.

That sounds really great, I’ll definitely look into that thanks ☺️

He desperately needs his haircut as it tends to grow upwards and gets bigger and bigger! He doesn’t tolerate hair washing either so he needs it quite short for hygiene reasons. He wouldn’t be able to convey to us if he wanted it cut.

Cut a bit off at a time when he’s asleep ?

grow it long enough for a ponytail ?

I can see why he'd be put off after the photo but you know this was wrong and have apologised. As for what he's said to your eldest, whilst I do not condone him bringing children into adult issues and am not accusing you of doing so just trying to understand where he may be coming from, have you said anything to Dad about you "having full custody" or being the "main parent" even in the heat of the moment that he will have taken offence to? Or is that just something he's randomly thrown out there to be dramatic?

I would look into finding an autism friendly barber or ask a relative or friend if they're willing to help. Potentially see if scissors and a comb will work instead of clippers as it could be the noise/vibrations from the clippers that could be causing the struggle.

There are scissors you can get called calming clippers that have the comb part to get the length right but obviously much quieter than using clippers. We've used them because our toddler is afraid of the clippers.