I wonder if he's neurodivergent

[Jokethecoalwoman]

I am dating a lovely guy (late 20s) - he's different from anyone I've dated before, he's very unique and his "quirks" are what attracted me to him in the first place.
But I am constantly overthinking and recently I've been questioning whether he's really that keen on me, as some of his behaviours have given me reason to doubt.
Then he mentioned in a passing comment that he thinks he might be autistic and a lot of things fell into place regarding his behaviour.

I'm looking for advice from anyone who has experience of dating someone who is neurodivergent because on dark days I question whether I can carry on when I am at times uncertain if he wants us to be together.

Some of the things that are making me wonder if he is neurodivergent are

His lack of previous relationships (one I think) and sexual partners (his inexperience is very obvious)
His lack of communication (he will not respond to messages for days - has commented that he is also like this with family & friends)
He can be fun and lively but then kind of depleted like his battery has run out
I instigate most of the intimacy (although he has on some occasions)
He says he needs time "to process" anything new that happens in our relationship (first kiss, first time we had sex)
He will often sit quietly in a different room not interacting and becomes very distant
He speaks openly about his past, life experiences etc but feels awkward when we talk about us/our feelings for each other

I am looking for advice because I don't want to get to the point where I call things off because I've taken offence at his behaviour (not messaging, being distant) if these are part of him and not red flags that he's going off me.

Any help or advice will be really appreciated.

This sounds like a lot of drama for a six week old relationship.

The relationship isn’t working for you.

Fwiw, I have an autistic DC, and the behaviours do sound neurodivergent to me.
Also be aware neurodivergence is genetic to a large degree (in case you’re looking for a relationship where you’ll want children in future) and the conditions exist on a spectrum where some are severely affected.

If I had to put money on it I would say he is ND. So what? You count. Your feelings count. He doesn't have the tools necessary for an equal relationship. This may change as he gets older but that doesn't mean you have to suffer through years of learning.

Thanks so much, your replies are really helping me to navigate this situation.

I feel scared to tell him how I feel in case I scare him off. But I also feel that if he's having sex with me he should be able to have a chat with me.
I'm thinking of saying that I felt rejected (last night he barely spoke to me. He did say he wasn't feeling great).
Maybe wording it in a message?

OP, it's been six weeks. It shouldn't be this hard

I'm seeing him tonight and my stomach is already in knots

That is your answer. Run.

My dh is autistic and I recognise some of these behaviours from our early days of dating. What I will say is that, with hindsight, I can see that he absolutely doted on me, but it’s taken me time to understand his love language. Also, there is a LOT going on inside his head, behind his quiet and contained exterior. I am ND too, but ADHD - I am a very emotional, chaotic and energetic person and his quietness brings balance - we’ve been together a long time. We were both late diagnosed, in our 40’s. Don’t expect him to change - this would be masking and he should be allowed to be himself. If it isn’t going to work for you then it’s fine to end the relationship but tell him why - most autistic people like answers, leaving things unsaid will possibly mean he’ll dwell on it forever.

I've been thinking a lot about things he's said which were basically very obviously about his ND and I just didn't realise.... I really don't want to end things because he's lovely.
I'm hoping that if I tell him how I feel we can move past this with a bit more mutual understanding.

Either way, I'll have my answer.

Sounds like a whole lot of problems for yourself. I would throw this one back op. Do you really have the emotional capacity to be dealing with this over everything. The relationship will be on his terms, if you have a problem with anything then it’s on you to ‘be understanding’.
if you have time and energy for that, then that’s up to you

Even if you tell him how you feel, where does that leave you? All you’ve done is told him a whole lot of things that makes him who he is and can’t change

Did you post this just to air your thoughts? Because lots of people have taken the time to answer and you've pretty much ignored all of them.

I was married to one autistic man and dated another for eight years.

The one I married I utterly adored. His weirdnesses and quirks mostly chimed with my own (I have ADHD) and, apart from sometimes 'tuning out' when I was talking to him and a complete inability to structure his time, his behaviour was fine. Our life together was wonderful. Until one day, out of the blue, he decided he had 'done' being married now and didn't need to do it any more and walked out.

The other guy had patterns of behaviour and routines and regulations around the way he lived his life that made our relationship untenable in the end. He was a lovely man but his autism became more and more obvious and problematic (we couldn't go anywhere his dog might not like, and the dog could never, ever be left at home - ruled out the cinema, evenings out, holidays etc) and as he got older he was getting more and more set in his ways.

So I would say, OP, it's not his possible autism that is the problem, it's his behaviour. And if it's not something you would want to live with then I'd give him up because he literally will not be able to change.

I think you want him for the man you think he could be, rather than the man he is. If he's not meeting your needs now, and he knows what the issues are but his behaviour stays the same, he's not going to change in the future. In some cases, he is telling you who he is e.g. lack of communication with friends and family, as well as you. He may be a lovely person, but that doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.

You ask for advice, you get advice, with a variation of - leave/run/end it/you need boundaries, and your response to the advice is: I really don't want to end things because he's lovely.

Why ask for advice in the first place? Like I said in my original post, whether he's ND or not is not the issue. He's not meeting your needs, period.

Also, the issue could be you. That you're too needy/seeking validation/want constant and/or immediate contact. He might not be the weird one, perhaps you are? After all, you seem happy to subjugate yourself, which I find incredibly weird.

Why do women put up with this shit?

No he can’t.
I tried to talk to DH many times. On one occasion I said I needed more from him, this isn’t working for me, if you can’t put some effort in we’ll have to get divorced (2 small DC). He said, ‘Oh dear, what a shame.’.

At that point I realised there was no point working on the relationship, I needed to stop looking for him to change and work on making myself happy despite him.

He may well be a lovely man but right now, in the early stages, he isn’t working to please you. He’s behaving according to the dictate of his own needs oblivious to the impact on you. If he was relationship material, he be asking whether things are ok, is he missing things that are important to you, apologising when he’s not up to being sociable.
He isn’t.

Don’t, because unless you are happy to get by on the scraps of what you were hoping for from a relationship, you will be lonely in this relationship.

I don’t think you’re compatible. Whether he has autism or not he isn’t meeting your needs

Everyone is neurodivergent in some way, as we are human beings, so forget the label for starters. Also, he sounds like an arsehole; get rid.

It sounds like you love the drama really.
Distancing yourself with the hope that he'll "change your mind" is a silly game.

Thanks so much everyone who's responded. I've spent a long time reading all the responses and I appreciate all of them.

Sorry that I've not replied to everyone individually.

Lots of responses saying "run" and I absolutely understand those who have said it's a lot of drama for a new relationship.

Also agree with the poster who suggested I seek validation. True! Which is mainly why I take the perceived rejection of the ignored messages so badly.

I messaged him earlier, nothing too intense but telling him how I was feeling and guess what? No response.
I'm seeing him tonight and wondering if he'll acknowledge ignoring my messages. Awkward.

Anyway, thanks again for your responses. Reading them is really helpful.

You say you're not being intense but you've just described being insanely intense for a six week old "relationship".

I'm married to an autistic man. OP, the problem isn't his (possible) autism; some people would be happy in a relationship with the person you're describing. The problem is that you're incompatible.

You want to talk about feelings a lot and want a great deal of interaction from the person you're dating from the off. He obviously doesn't. He enjoys companionable silence, or doing different things together. You don't. He is not going to be the man who is constantly giving you signs of his interest, or compliments, or just texting you out of the blue to tell you how much he's missed you. More importantly, knowing that the way he behaves is because he's autistic won't change either the behaviour or your response to it. Whether you tell him directly or not, he's not going to suddenly start giving you more of the attention you want.

You're six weeks in. Break up.

Dating a month and a half and having ‘dark days’?

Nope. Chuck this one back.

I mean potentially he could be, he certainly sounds like he has anxiety, he could be ND with anxiety. I have a friend who is similar but not to quite the same extreme. I would tell him how it makes you feel and ask if he's willing to work on his feelings and the behaviours perhaps by seeking therapy. If he's willing and you want to see how it turns out then do that. If it's not for you and you don't want to stick about to see what happens or he's not willing to try then definitely leave. It's certainly not something you should just be expected to put up with.

To add, you sound quite intense. Maybe he ignores your messages and sits in another room thinking ‘wow, its been 6 weeks and she is already like this.’

Quite. If I was getting texts like that after six weeks I would be running for the hills - it's way too much.