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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For kicking my son out!

45 replies

crazycookies · 14/02/2026 02:12

DS 17 has been getting into a lot of trouble recently. Drinking, drugs, the works. Last week he got into a fight with MY bsf's son am i being unreasonable for making him go and stay with his dad?

ever since me and ex H split up 5 years ago DS has been acting out and i try to give him everything but he just pushes me away further. He's rude unhelpful around the house ignores his curfew and is sometimes violent towards his half-sibilings. At christmas he got many beautiful presents but refused to eat with the family and left to drink with his friends. Last night was the final straw. He claims he was being provoked but bfs's DS had to go to A&E after the incident.

i want him to go and stay with his dad to cool off as i am worried about the safety of my younger children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
floatingbagel · 14/02/2026 02:16

hes basically a man this is not okay!!!
hope your friends son gets better

Original poster
crazycookies · 14/02/2026 02:20

thanks for the support. bsf's DS is doing better but has been in a&e for several hours. is now waiting for stitches

OP posts:
Purplepelican3 · 14/02/2026 04:00

Has it been reported to the police
That might make him think ,shake him up a bit .
He's caused an assault, leaving the victim with stitches
Let the police deal with him

HelpMeGetThrough · 14/02/2026 04:37

Purplepelican3 · 14/02/2026 04:00

Has it been reported to the police
That might make him think ,shake him up a bit .
He's caused an assault, leaving the victim with stitches
Let the police deal with him

I’d hope he is reported for this and suffers the consequences. His stupidity and violence could adversely affect him for years to come, might be the wake up call he needs.

BollyMolly · 14/02/2026 04:46

What’s his relationship like with his step family? A blended family with step and half siblings after divorce is not something all children can cope with easily. Sometimes they suffer consequences of their parents choices. Teenagers don’t go off the rails for no reason.

Heatedrival · 14/02/2026 05:02

Would he see a therapist with you? How helpful will his dad be? It seems like a good solution.

Rayqueen2026 · 14/02/2026 05:15

Erm one of my male cousins did something similar to another cousin, his parents did the right thing same age and reported him, it was the kick in the ass he needed and now is a successful working adult. If this happened from one of my own same thing because they have to learn this is not acceptable at all regardless of provoking or not!

Dollymylove · 14/02/2026 12:00

Is he at school/college/working?
Who is financing his drink and drugs?
Has his victim involved the police?

BerryTwister · 14/02/2026 12:20

What is bsf short for?

Patchworkquilts · 14/02/2026 12:26

I think kicking him out basically tells him you care more about your boyfriend’s kids than your own. That’s not the message you want to give him. You do however want to parent him. I’d make sure the incident was reported to the police. I’d also see a therapist together with him. And I’d try to create more space between both families. You chose to be with your boyfriend, but the kids didn’t chose to be a blended family, so don’t force that upon them. Your priority (kids wise) is YOUR child. That means looking at his emotional needs. Shoving him off to dad so you can play happy fsmilies with your bf is not meeting his emotional needs. Nor is forcing him to spend Christmas with your bf’s family. You don’t have to condone his behaviour (nor should you), but you do need to find out what he needs. He needs you to parent him.

adding: it is very possible that boyfriend’s son provoked him. That’s doesn’t make his actions ok. But which consequences are there for the provoker? Or are there only consequences for your son? Can you see how that would feel very unfair to your son?
If it is true that he was being provoked, you are punishing the victim instead of the bully. No wonder your son ignores you.

Restlessdreams1994 · 14/02/2026 12:41

Whoever “bsf” is should get their son to report the assault.

Zanatdy · 14/02/2026 12:44

crazycookies · 14/02/2026 02:20

thanks for the support. bsf's DS is doing better but has been in a&e for several hours. is now waiting for stitches

Totally unacceptable. Yes he should leave. Is bf’s son going to contact the police?

Pixiedust49 · 14/02/2026 12:46

Yes obviously he’s in the wrong but he sounds very troubled and unhappy. Kicking him out will probably drive him even further away to be honest. How sad.

Helprequiredagain · 14/02/2026 13:05

Violence is not ok he needs to face the consequences of that whatever they may be.

However, in 5 years between age 12-17, you have separated from his Dad, remarried and have had more children. That is ALOT to deal with, for a young person. How has this been managed other than buying him “many beautiful presents”? @crazycookies

OnlyHasEyesForLoki · 14/02/2026 13:56

I totally sympathise. My DS had been to live with his dad at 14 after drugs and violence while I was pregnant with DD, but his dad put him in a bedsit illegally quite quickly with the same behaviour, he came home but nothing changed and he head butted a 13 year old girl and also beat me up. Social care said it was him or my younger children. There followed years of youth offending institutions and B&Bs and then at 19 he spent 2 weeks in an adult prison for breach of licence after getting into a fight in the street. That finally scared the shit out of him seeing old men who had spent their lives in and out of prison. He’s 32 now and still smokes weed but has a good job and lives independently. It’s heart breaking but you have to protect the other children.

Rosealea · 14/02/2026 14:00

Poor kid

ImPamDoove · 14/02/2026 14:00

I can’t imagine giving up on my 17 year old like this. He’s clearly troubled and needing guidance, love and support. Perhaps he’s a product of his upbringing?

He’s barely out of childhood, can you really be so heartless? You should be seeking external help and working together to help him.

TheMorgenmuffel · 14/02/2026 14:05

Of course he will face consequences for the assault and rightly so .

Perhaps he would be happier living with his dad you could work on your relationship with him while he lives there by spending time with just him.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 14/02/2026 14:08

It's not acceptable behaviour but it does sound (from what you've said) that he just hasn't coped with the divorce and subsequent fall out very well at all, and possibly this should've been dealt with before it reached this level (that's not a criticism because you've been through a huge upheaval too). I think it sounds like he needs some therapy to deal with the split. Personally, I think throwing him to his dad will compound all his issues and drive him away (which, I imagine, are that he has no singular home anymore, he feels emotionally at risk and like he doesn't have somewhere where he feels entirely loved and accepted - the fact he didn't eat with you at christmas smacks of feeling like he doesn't have a true family). I'm not saying the behaviour is ok, it isn't, and I'm not saying there shouldn't be a consequence (there should) but I think you need to be going through that next to him. I also think, that your reaction of "I can't handle you, you need to go to your dads" might reflect some of his acting out - he's just waiting/itching for you to "disown" him, and you're proving him right.
I think if you kick him out, you're effectively saying you've given up on him and he will hear that and you'll never get a relationship back - if you're OK with that, and it's worth it for peace- fair enough. I'd personally want to fight to maintain a relationship with him. Getting to therapy together if possible, creating some space to talk honestly to each other, finding some small moments of connection together to start rebuilding things - if it's an option, I'd try.
Kicking a child out after their family has already broken/fallen apart just proves to them that they're right, you don't love them etc etx (not saying that's true, but you'll be proving his feelings right).

ItsameLuigi · 14/02/2026 14:34

My dad was 2 years younger when he went to prison for manslaughter. Do what's best for your kids because this is exactly how my dad was/is. Also get some money together and find him a therapist. He needs help dealing with his emotions urgently . He's had a huge change in his life in 5 years and now has half siblings and probably feels very alone and like he doesn't belong anymore.

Edited

EvangelineTheNightStar · 14/02/2026 14:38

Helprequiredagain · 14/02/2026 13:05

Violence is not ok he needs to face the consequences of that whatever they may be.

However, in 5 years between age 12-17, you have separated from his Dad, remarried and have had more children. That is ALOT to deal with, for a young person. How has this been managed other than buying him “many beautiful presents”? @crazycookies

Edited

This, how old are your other dc and how many do you have?

Dollymylove · 14/02/2026 14:59

I believe that National service should be brought back. Many young lads seem to lose their way, be it marriage breakdown, poor school results, inability to find work. Temptations of cheap drugs and drink. It could do the world of good for many of them and get them on the right track

Awaiting my arse being handed to me 🤣

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 14/02/2026 15:08

Dollymylove · 14/02/2026 14:59

I believe that National service should be brought back. Many young lads seem to lose their way, be it marriage breakdown, poor school results, inability to find work. Temptations of cheap drugs and drink. It could do the world of good for many of them and get them on the right track

Awaiting my arse being handed to me 🤣

The army recruiting offices are always open. Volunteers are better than conscripts. Look at Russia.

Anyway, I think BF needs to speak to the police, report the assault and get the YOT involved while DS's behaviour is still fairly low level.

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 14/02/2026 15:23

He's violent to your kids who must be aged under 4yrs old? Time to involve the police, that's appalling.

Bluebellsparklypant · 14/02/2026 15:27

It’s a tough situation OP

maybe he needs more emotional support rather than giving him things it’s not always about stuff it’s about your time and support which I know is so so wearing but at least talk with him calmly and try and understand his behaviour

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