I really don't like my mother

[Onlyatnoon]

She's not a nice person. She has no friends, and she's fallen out with all the family. She says racist things, she's horribly judgemental about other women and their looks, has extreme views on conspiracy theories.

Basically if I met her, I'd give her a very wide berth. We have nothing in common.

She was also very cruel when I was growing up, I've needed a lot of therapy to overcome the low self worth she installed in me.

Now she's getting older, I've noticed a change in her attitude with me. I can't help but feel manipulated - like she's only being 'nicer' because she realises she may need more help soon.

What would you do, keep your distance, or forgive and help more?

She sounds vile.

Keep your distance.

You need to protect your life now and your own future.

Protect yourself and keep a distance.

She honestly is. The way she treats people is appalling.

Thank you for your reply - it's stupid but I have this guilt of being a 'good' daughter.

I'll always be in touch with her and ensure she's okay, but need boundaries to stay safe. And sane.

Keep your distance . You’ll thank yourself for it .

My grandmother was like this with her son (my dad) and her DIL (my mom). Absolutely vile and went out of her way to be cruel. But in the later years she started “changing” when she realised she will need help in her old age. She was so manipulative and I found that behaviour and pretence very hard to get past. Honestly, I would really limit contact with her and become way less available to her. It’s hard when it’s a parent, but sometimes it’s needed so you can preserve your own peace.

I agree with others OP - keep your distance. I know it's really hard not to cave in to the guilt we've been programmed to feel out whole lives. She probably didn't give a moment's thought to any impact she might be having on you until she realised there could be consequences for her too.

Keep your distance and protect your sanity OP.

I'd trust your instincts here OP. It will be much easier for someone without the baggage she's inevitably left you with to care for her. Keep yourself safe by having boundaries.

@Onlyatnoonthis sounds sadly familiar to me, though I'm not in touch with mine.

We are wired to look to our parents because when we are young we need them to survive. Many people get decent but imperfect caregivers,- We're all human and even great parents get it wrong sometimes.

And then there's these parents, like ours, who exhibit manipulative, unkind behaviours. Possibly innate or possibly as a maladaptive reaction to their own upbringing.

Don't feel guilty about wanting to be a good daughter as part of your natural wiring (and decency) but understand that as an adult you don't need her now and she couldn't fulfill her obligations as a parent anyway. Let the guilt go. You've spotted her patterns of behaviour and you now have an obligation to yourself (and your kids if you have any) to be treated kindly.

I also reached the conclusion over Christmas that whilst I love my mum, if she was a friend then she would been quietly moved out of my life a long time ago. I appreciate that she’s got significant childhood traumas that’s made her how she is.

My interactions with her are limited to basic discussions about logistics. It makes me sad and cross but she wont change so no point hoping or asking her to.

Keep your distance, limit your interactions to benign topics (and steer conversations back if you need to), and I would also suggest considering additional counselling if you can afford it.

You’re describing my Mum, except not cruel, she was strict and doesn’t like me much. I live fairly far away now. I’ve not had therapy. I ring her once a week. I visit 4/ year, even though she often suggests I don’t bother.
I feel good about myself having done “my duty” as a child to a parent. I’m not saying you should or would.

The judgement of other women gets me, as often they are the things I do and feels like a veiled insult. It used to upset me. Now I just offer another opinion or say nothing and it washes over me, I don’t care so much what she thinks. Her opinions are not enviable.

I did also get concerned the conspiracy theories were signs of mental illness but I don’t believe they are. She just has no friends to balance out opinions and too much time on YouTube.

And tten there's these parents, like ours, who exhibit manipulative, unkind behaviours. Possibly innate or possibly as a maladaptive reaction to their own upbringing

This is so true. All you can do @Onlyatnoon is accept who she is and give access to her based on that, not on how you think mother - daughter relationships “should” be. I think that can be the trickiest part there are rules to parent - child relationships, warmth, connection, good advice, healthy dependency then healthy differentiation in adulthood etc and unless the parent can do those rules then the child has to learn not to apply them too.

She sounds like an absolutely horrible human being as well as an unkind and unloving mother.

She deserves to be alone in old age and to reap what she has sown. Don't feel guilty about keeping your distance.

She could be getting nicer because she’s evolving? My mum wasn’t a great mum when I was growing up, but she’s turning into a good mum now. She’s 90 😂

Very similar to my mum in many ways. Except mine seems to have more sides to her than anything. She plays favourites to divide and conquer the family as her dad did. I have distanced myself from her over recent times. I do still see her but on my terms she is mid 80’s and sometimes seems like a sweet vulnerable old lady and I feel sorry for her and like I have imagined the bad stuff. I lower my guard and offer something or invite her and she flips a switch and changes. I always end up wondering why I bothered and why I never learn.

The guilt and need to play the dutiful daughter is real and as others have said seems to have been programmed into me. Probably years of the I did all this and gave up all that for you etc etc.

Mine is the same, always the victim and negative. I keep my distance and have minimal contact. She has never made an effort with me, so why should I make an effort with her. She was the parent after all. It hurts deeply that I never had a 'mother', it's messed up many aspects of my life. Doesn't stop the guilt though.

You reap what you sow.
keep your distance, protect your peace. You owe her nothing.

I was just about post the same thing - it's my favourite saying.

Echoing those who say keep your distance - I have moved as far away as is possible, across to the other side of the world, to get away from my (very similar) mother. I have two brothers, I'm the only girl, and she started emotional parentifying me when I was 9...

I've not seen her in 17 years, she's 85 this year and I'm in no hurry to do so. I telephone once a month or so, and 9 times out of 10 I have to be drunk to cope with the calls.

Mine is a raging misogynist on top of everything else...my younger brother now lives with her as her 'carer' (she doesn't need any actual help, it's more for his benefit that hers, she lives in a insanely cheap housing association flat, so he pays no rent).

I still think he's an idiot for doing so, but that's his business, his funeral.

I had this with my parents. They showed absolutely no interest in me as a child or adult except to criticise my appearance until they were bankrupt and in poor health and prematurely aged in their 60s, caused by their alcoholism and appalling diet and lifestyle.

They lost all their friends and good will with neighbours by sponging off them and getting them to do things for them constantly. I was guilt tripped into being a dutiful daughter as a result of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) but I finally snapped when their cruelty and criticism was turned towards my children. I walked away and cut contact.

The very last words my father ever said to me were “have you seen the size of your backside?” in front of my daughter when I refused to go and buy him a bottle of vodka when visiting him in a hospice. Once you see the control and manipulation continues because of FOG you can say enough.

Do we have the same mother?

Keep your distance and establish firm
boindaries. Really hard but you've done well and it sounds like it's been a lot of work
to get to
the pint you are at now . You deserve to be happy xx

My story is similar. Distanced myself when they started on my dd. It’s all you can do. Cruel, nasty people. Mine thinks all the shit she doles out is mended if she buys a present. I throw the presents in the bin. Delusions of grandeur, they’re always too big for the house and not my taste. Wouldn’t phone me on my birthday. Likes to punish when you’ve done nothing wrong. Totally ignored me as a dc. Only touched us to slap us round the head, totally undeserved. Now wants hugs. I only knew people spoke in the home after I met DH. Has ruined my health because I didn’t know why she hated me. After she started on DD I knew it was her, not us. Imagine going through life with not a single person liking you. That’s my dm.

Echoing everyone else.

Stay firm and resolute OP. Keep low contact.