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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daughter and coach

51 replies

Chickencuddle · 13/02/2026 20:28

My daughter does gymnastics. She had yo be pushed to do this hobby. She is an anxious wee thing and would rather stay at home and be with family than do a hobby. But shes naturally talented and I thought she needed some exercise and some friends.
She has been loving it and is progressing so well.
But today she was silent on way to gymnsstics and said she didnt want to go as the coach wanted her to do a round off into a back tuck. She is mroe than capable of this as she can already do a round off into 3 back handsprings.. but she has no confidence. She let's it get to her and becomes a huge thing. I told her the coach wouldnt tell her to do it if she wasnt ready and to tell the coach how nervous she is.
Now at practice they brought in a male coach. Normally its a female. She is still there and this male is helping her. She came out to me saying she felt uncomfortable and she didnt want him to touch her. I said sometimes coaches need to have their hands there just to keep them safe. It is all open so parents can see in and there were other coaches there.
I want to teach her body autonomy but also confidence and she kind of has to sometimes push herself out of her comfort zone. Which is something she rarely does. Or had to be pushed to do.
I just want to do whats best for her and im not sure what to say or do really.
Any help?

OP posts:
FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 13/02/2026 20:30

You listen to your daughter and request female only coaches if there will be contact.

LittleMissNumber · 13/02/2026 20:30

If she doesn't want someone touching her then they don't touch her.

purpleme12 · 13/02/2026 20:31

Surely you must have asked her why she was uncomfortable? And why she didn't want him to touch her?

Fascinate · 13/02/2026 20:32

Your daughter tells you she feels uncomfortable with an adult male that she hardly knows touching her, and you can't hear her?

Topjoe19 · 13/02/2026 20:34

Well to be honest I don't believe in pushing kids to do something they dont want to do (other than school). And I especially wouldn't be forcing her into a situation that she is uncomfortable with, involving an older male.

Please listen to her.

Expressionlessplease · 13/02/2026 20:35

Agree with pp: you really need to listen to your DD.
Tbh the fact you pushed her into this hobby in the first place is really concerning.

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 13/02/2026 20:35

purpleme12 · 13/02/2026 20:31

Surely you must have asked her why she was uncomfortable? And why she didn't want him to touch her?

This is completely irrelevant. As an adult female I wouldn’t want a man handling me. I can’t imagine how intimidating it is for a child.

OP she clearly doesn’t enjoy this hobby currently. ‘Naturally talented’ or not, why are you forcing her to continue? Why not allow her to do something she is interested in?

purpleme12 · 13/02/2026 20:36

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 13/02/2026 20:35

This is completely irrelevant. As an adult female I wouldn’t want a man handling me. I can’t imagine how intimidating it is for a child.

OP she clearly doesn’t enjoy this hobby currently. ‘Naturally talented’ or not, why are you forcing her to continue? Why not allow her to do something she is interested in?

Well I think I'd be curious as to know why my child felt like that. If there was anything that lead her to feel like that

ShetlandishMum · 13/02/2026 20:36

Why force her into it if she doesn't want to?

catipuss · 13/02/2026 20:41

If she doesn't want to do it any more respect her decision. That's it. Children do give up things like gymnastics as they get older, very few go on to be gymnasts, if she's not enjoying it any more there is no point.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 13/02/2026 20:42

As you say, is it important that your DD be able to exercise her right to bodily autonomy. It is just as important that if she expresses discomfort with someone touching her, that she is 100% confident that you will take that seriously.
From a purely athletic point of view, it doesn’t seem likely that a coach she doesn’t like and whom she doesn’t want to touch her will be able to encourage her to try more difficult exercises. He’s not the right coach.

Chickencuddle · 13/02/2026 20:42

Ffs. She loves it now as I knew she would. Loves going every week. Shes just anxious to try anything new and I felt she needed to get over that hurdle as then she would love it. And she does. She wants to go every week.
This week she didnt because the coach had mentioned a new move and she'd got herself in a flap over doing it. The coach spoke to me after today and told me she is more than capable but has no confidence. This is the issue.
I think its nirmal for a teen girl to feel uncomfortable with male touch as I explained to her he is just spotting her to make sure she doesnt fall. But he didnt end up involved any way. She has just come out and it was only the female coach and the male was watching and giving tips.
She tends to get herself all worked up. And I guess thats what im worried about and how to give her more confidence.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 13/02/2026 20:42

How old is she OP?

TheOccupier · 13/02/2026 20:52

Encouraging her to persevere with hobbies is a good thing (although you might have taken it a bit far). Teaching her to ignore and invalidate her instincts about being touched by men/strangers absolutely is not. Time to find a new hobby.

Expressionlessplease · 13/02/2026 20:54

Chickencuddle · 13/02/2026 20:42

Ffs. She loves it now as I knew she would. Loves going every week. Shes just anxious to try anything new and I felt she needed to get over that hurdle as then she would love it. And she does. She wants to go every week.
This week she didnt because the coach had mentioned a new move and she'd got herself in a flap over doing it. The coach spoke to me after today and told me she is more than capable but has no confidence. This is the issue.
I think its nirmal for a teen girl to feel uncomfortable with male touch as I explained to her he is just spotting her to make sure she doesnt fall. But he didnt end up involved any way. She has just come out and it was only the female coach and the male was watching and giving tips.
She tends to get herself all worked up. And I guess thats what im worried about and how to give her more confidence.

I'm sorry OP but you don't sound as though you want to allow your DD her own feelings and thoughts at all.

It sounds all about you expecting her to conform to your expectations. And what she wants or feels doesn't matter to you at all.

NerrSnerr · 13/02/2026 20:58

My daughter does climbing which sometimes needs coaches spotting or lifting them up to get to start holds that are set for adults. They always ask (parents and the climber) and if someone said no they wouldn’t do that particular thing.

She is telling you she feels uncomfortable and you need to listen to her. Speak to the coaches to find a way where he doesn’t need to touch her, surely any legitimate coach would happily accept this?

NerrSnerr · 13/02/2026 21:00

She is going to gain more confidence in an environment where she feels safe. For whatever reason she does not feel safe with this man spotting/ touching her. How old is she?

Driftingawaynow · 13/02/2026 21:01

When you say you want her to have more confidence, do you actually mean compliance because that’s what it sounds like

EatYourDamnPie · 13/02/2026 21:03

What else are you doing to build her confidence?

Teresavonlichenstein · 13/02/2026 21:08

LittleMissNumber · 13/02/2026 20:30

If she doesn't want someone touching her then they don't touch her.

This and don’t force her.

The stress of gymnastics on a young body is frightening why would you want to do that with your child when she really wasn’t bothered.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 13/02/2026 21:15

Encouraging her through nerves is fine. Practice techniques to lower anxiety eg challenging intrusive thoughts or deep breathing.

Encouraging her to compromise boundaries around who touches her is not fine.

You should give her confidence to say no to things she doesn't want to do.

StormyLandCloud · 13/02/2026 21:18

Don’t force her to go if she’s not liking it. I was lucky and had great
coaches, but not everyone does and it’s pretty dangerous as a sport

KimuraTan · 13/02/2026 21:19

Fascinate · 13/02/2026 20:32

Your daughter tells you she feels uncomfortable with an adult male that she hardly knows touching her, and you can't hear her?

This. You need to make your DD feel comfortable. There is no issue with a male coach per de but maybe your daughter isn’t ready for that. She has autonomy over her own body and you should listen and act accordingly. Just describe her feelings to a member of staff (in writing) and support your DD. Don’t be fobbed off by words „all coaches are the same“. Your daughter isn’t comfortable with other it and you should teach her that’s okay.

Chickencuddle · 13/02/2026 21:22

Once again she loves it. Just needed a push to try it as she never tries anything and would happily stay at home. She has anxiety around lots of every day things and im trying to break down these barriers. She is getting better the more she tries things. I went with gymnastics as she loves it at home and didnt want to do anything else. I sought out the info and told her she needed to do something other than sit at home all the time but it was her choice what and she chose this.
This man did nothing with them today and after I told her I w9uld message coach and say she only felt comfortable with female coach.
I guess I difnt know what was acceptable and wanted to know. Didn't want her uncomfortable but also dont want anxiety to keep holding her back and also dont want to almost say her anxiousness is valid I guess. Just wasnt sure and came asking for advice because I care and love her. Thanks for replies. Didn't expect them to be so aggressive or maybe thats the way im taking them.

OP posts:
Expressionlessplease · 13/02/2026 21:51

I don't think the replies are aggressive OP.
But I think the pp on this thread are pretty unanimous in their concern for your DD.