Daughter and coach

[Chickencuddle]

My daughter does gymnastics. She had yo be pushed to do this hobby. She is an anxious wee thing and would rather stay at home and be with family than do a hobby. But shes naturally talented and I thought she needed some exercise and some friends.
She has been loving it and is progressing so well.
But today she was silent on way to gymnsstics and said she didnt want to go as the coach wanted her to do a round off into a back tuck. She is mroe than capable of this as she can already do a round off into 3 back handsprings.. but she has no confidence. She let's it get to her and becomes a huge thing. I told her the coach wouldnt tell her to do it if she wasnt ready and to tell the coach how nervous she is.
Now at practice they brought in a male coach. Normally its a female. She is still there and this male is helping her. She came out to me saying she felt uncomfortable and she didnt want him to touch her. I said sometimes coaches need to have their hands there just to keep them safe. It is all open so parents can see in and there were other coaches there.
I want to teach her body autonomy but also confidence and she kind of has to sometimes push herself out of her comfort zone. Which is something she rarely does. Or had to be pushed to do.
I just want to do whats best for her and im not sure what to say or do really.
Any help?

You said it yourself she would happily stay home.

If you said you can watch a dvd and do a jigsaw with me or go what would she say?

I remember my son wanting to do football as all the boys in his school in year 5 did football. We went we did it- I encouraged him because I met up with loads of mums I liked.

Then one day on the way home he said ‘Mummy you say I’m your safe space can I tell you something?’ I said yes he said ‘I really don’t like football I was interested but I’ve tried it and I hate it I’m miserable’. I stopped the car told him to take his seatbelt off and he crawled into the front and we had a huge huge hug and cry and I said to him he was really brave as there was a lot of pressure to play. I took him to Macdonalds (a rare treat) for a hot chocolate and I asked him what sports he might want to do to keep him fit and healthy and he said I want to do Horseriding like my sister and lots of swimming but I don’t want to do competitions I just want to do it to relax.

so that is what we do. He is a teenager now and happy and happy with his friends they all still play football but he doesn’t.

Like guitar he wanted to learn to play guitar and play to be cool and make friends so that is what we do - no exams no pressure.

I don’t want my child to do gymnastics for me or because she is good at it - but because she wants too.

She is telling you with her body language lack of enthusiasm etc it is screaming ‘my mum wants me to do this’ not her.

You havnt read my comment as that is exactly what I did with my daughter. She used to do swimming and singing and quit both. I told her she needed to do some sort of hobby to keep her active but it was her choice and this is her choice and she genuinely loves it. I dont make her do competitions which her coach has asked her to do 4 so far. Out of 4 she has picked to do 1 abd that was her choice. Her coach asked me again today about an upcoming competition and ive left it with my daughter who said she would think about it.
Ive told her its always her decision and she knows that
Maybe these comments aren't aggressive more presumptuous.

Also after she quit her other hobbies she had a long time with no hobbies at all. But she wasnt happy she was in a rut and I had to kind of push her to do something but it was always her choice what she did.

It's a high priority at school to learn about your body being touched and giving permission. This is of course very important to empower children to speak out.

This can however produce a fear of anyone, especially males, having to physically to touch you for normal activities.

It's necessary but also sad that anyone interacting with kids in sport and other hobbies has to think of a default setting of first being thought of as an abuser while needing to provide physical assistance.

After a lesson of respect for body contact DC suddenly starting shouting at us as DPs to ask them if we had asked permission to wash them as usual in the bath at age 6. Then happily went to swimming lesson next day where instructor assisted in moves amd had physical contact, which I was there to observe.

It really is necessary to make all children aware of what could be inappropriate but for many it actually creates a seed for creating and viewing normal behaviour as abuse.

This is where we as parents need to be aware when DC are uncomfortable or simply repeating lines from.a lesson.

Immediate and responsible reaction is of course to go along and observe, talk to the person, find out if others feel the same, trust your gut instinct.

Listening to your child, you know them, you can tell and find out if was a case of deliberate touching or the fact a trainer just had to help them with a flip. Xx

The teacher didnt even touch her she was worried he would have to as part of spotting her. He isnt the usual coach turns out the other coach asked him to help as she has hurt her back.

I think your post is being derailed by the male coach and possibly touching her...which he didn't need to do.

I think your concern is about your daughter's confidence. I think you need to sit her down and explain that people do things every day that scare them and that you got her into gymnastics because if she fails in it, as long as she doesn't hurt herself, it doesn't really matter...it's only a sport. And explain that failure is a part of life and as long as she tries her best failing is actually a positive as she will get over it and learn from it.

IMO it's good for children to have the expectation that they will do a hobby. Just one. Just once a week. They can try a billion new ones. But being worried about going to a new place with new people is NORMAL, hiding away to avoid the discomfort is not good. They dont have to be brilliant at it. They just have to enjoy it.
Spotting in a new big tumble by an unfamiliar male coach? Well, only if DD says it's OK. Honestly, so long as she felt able to say no, and the coaches respected that, I think it's OK.

Are you getting any specific help for her anxiety?

Maybe the reason she is lacking in confidence is because nobody in her life is actually listening to her? I can’t believe she told you she wasn’t comfortable with a man touching her and you completely dismissed it - that’s appalling. Children have just as much right to bodily autonomy as adults, and I doubt you would be okay with a man continuing to touch you if it’s making you uncomfortable.

Gymnastics is a pretty intense hobby. If you are doing it a serious level, there’s a lot of hours of training. Plus, coaches don’t tend to be the most positive people. You can do something perfectly again and again and get no praise, but if you slip up once, you will hear about it. I can’t imagine it’s the best sport for someone who is anxious and lacks confidence. My dd did it for several years. When she said she didn’t want to do it anymore, I listened but I told her she needed to be doing something else. She moved to doing cheer, which a lot of former gymnasts do.

How old is she? I think you need to ask her what is acceptable for her in terms of spotting/ touching and then tell the coaches. She is allowed her own boundaries about who spots her, she needs to feel safe. If they don’t accept this I would question their judgement

I think you had the right approach. Of course we need to teach bodily autonomy, but that needs
to be balanced in a way that doesn’t teach them
to be sacred of all physical touch, especially from the opposite sex.

Physical touch in a professional environment is not a problem and in the small minority of cases where it does become a problem, the solution is to know the difference new right and wrong, have trusted people around that know what to do, and having the confidence to speak up.

There is no evidence she is ‘sacred of all physical touch’. It is this one coach that she doesn‘T feel comfortable with and that is fine.

When she came out to tell me I had been watching abd the coach hadnt even touched her or been anywhere near her yet (and didnt end up even doing anything) I tried to have a discussion about how coaches sometimes need to touch or at least have their hands there for safety but she stormed off so we didnt get a discussion. If she had stayed and said she felt really uncomfortable I would have said something. Also im posting on here because I want to do the right thing and eas asking advice. This is exactly the type of comment which feels aggressive

You can’t say that as its not true. Hundreds of girls snd boys were molested in gymnastics by coaches and medical professionals in plain sight of their parents and guardians.

Look, OP, you aren’t in a place to hear this but I have two daughters and I think you aren’t really listening to her or respecting her in the way you think you are.

If your dd has pretty constant anxiety in a clinical sense get her evaluated by a professional and go from there. CBT is a very well respected treatment (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). She would work to identify things that distress her, set her own goals, and then work to achieve her goals in a supported way. Phobias, anxiety, avoidance can all be treated with CBT.

What you are doing looks superficially reasonable but I think is adding to her distress. She is learning that all her concerns and worries are going to be treated as invalid: don’t want to do a new trick? Coach knows best! Don’t want to do a hobby? Mummy knows you will want to do it!

Now: you were right about gymnastics so you lucked out. But the message you are teaching her is not to be self confident and daring but to allow herself to be pushed around snd do as she is told and hope her superiors were right. This is a recipe for disaster. She needs to be allowed to make her own decisions, good or bad.

I do see your point and agree its important to let kids make decisions. But to what extent? Let her always stay in her comfort zone and stay at home all the time abd never do homework and never revise and everytime something new comes up qhxib she isnt sure in tell her its ok to not do it. Where would she be if she learnt that everytime she felt a bit uncomfortable she can just do what she wants basically. Thats why I was conflicted. I want her to have a voice and options and know she can say no. But at the same time she needs to understand that not everything needs to be a no and sometimes she will have to do things she doesnt really want to in life.

The fact that you are being so defensive in all your responses says a lot. This is a forum full of women who are responding to you through their own experiences - listen to them rather than trying to justify yourself. Shutting your daughter down when she is trying to talk to you about her concerns is not on. A woman has a right to refuse to be touched by a man in any and every circumstance. I for instance will not see a male doctor or nurse in some cases. That is my right to bodily autonomy. And your daughter has the right to make that same choice for herself.

The way to build a young girl’s confidence is by making it clear that her thoughts and opinions matter. Dismissing them out of hand does the opposite.

Im just clarifying rhe circumstances

If she’s a teenager there may be other things she wants to do rather than a sport she was pushed into. Maybe she can’t see the point in continuing now she’s older. Is there anything else she could do Luke cheerleading? An ex colleague of mine did gymnastics and cheerleading and when older trained younger girls in this.

It's far more important for her to learn she's able to say no to unwanted physical contact from men than it is for her to learn a gymnastics move. It's far more important for her to listen to her gut when she feels uncomfortable and not hide her feelings inside out of politeness.

You can encourage a hobby by exploring what feels comfortable and manageable, without overriding her body autonomy.

As I said I was trying to discuss with her and she stormed back in before we could talk properly then I came on here to get help in what to say/do. Ended up not being needed but at least made me feel right in messaging coach about it after
Thanks everyone

Also jyst to add. She does it once a week. I searched for ages to find a club which would be relaxed and focus on enjoyment rather than pressure as I know if that was the case she would just give up. Coaches are happy for her to do whatever she is comfortable with and are really nice.

All those saying that they don’t force their children to do what they don’t want to do, where do you draw the line?

If they don’t want to eat the dinner you cooked do you let them eat ice cream instead

Are you going to pick up and clean up after them for the rest of their lives because they don’t want to do anything that looks like a chore.

If you book tickets for a night out and they don’t want you to go because they don’t want to be without you for the evening. Do you stay home?

I refuse to believe that all these posters who say they don’t force their children to do anything are telling the truth.

Surely the answer to this is obvious? We "force" (cajole... coerce... persuade) kids to do the things that matter and don't force them to do the things that don't matter. I wouldn't force my children to do specific hobbies they didn't want to do.