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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to consult me before making childcare plans

41 replies

Embarrassedmumoftoddler · 13/02/2026 13:08

Just as background, I’m a SAHM and i do all the care, organizing etc of DS whilst DH has a busy job and because of that is much more hands off.

DH has arranged for his parents to have DS for the night so we can go out which is lovely but he did it without speaking to me first and has picked a day where my MIL already looks after our niece at BIL’s house and my BIL & SIL don’t get home until after my boy would have gone to bed.

This will be the first time my in laws have DS overnight and I’m concerned that it could end up being a bit of a nightmare for my MIL as DS will be massively out his usual routine anyway then they’ll have to drive him 30 mins back to their house when he should already have been asleep.

Its not the first time DH has arranged for his parents to have DS on a day when they are already committed to looking after our niece and I know MIL was exhausted by the end of the day looking after 2 toddlers and also SIL wasn’t thrilled as it meant niece couldn’t do her usual activities that day.

Had I known what DH was planning, I would have suggested another day. I haven’t said anything to DH yet as I don’t want to annoy him but IABU to ask that he checks with me before making arrangements for our son?

OP posts:
Mt563 · 13/02/2026 13:10

Why doesn't your MIL say no? I think this is on her to communicate not your DH to mind read.

WelshRabBite · 13/02/2026 13:13

He shouldn’t have to check with you per se, however, he should have the intelligence to realise that his mum will be knackered after a full-on day with two toddlers, know his own child’s routine well enough to know it could be fucked up by messing about with it to this extent and pick another day.

By simply choosing a different day, he won’t have fucked off SIL & BIL, or potentially knackered his mother out, his child would probably find the evening easier, and you’d be a lot more chill about going away.

Does he always put his wants and needs before others?

Aur0raAustralis · 13/02/2026 13:16

YABU to require him to check with you every time. You'll just be creating a rod for your own back.

But I do think it's reasonable to tell him that you don't think it's fair on anyone for PIL to be looking after children from two families at once, and to avoid booking on days when they're already committed. It might also be worth having a word with his mum and saying the same. She might feel like she can't say no.

Harrietsaunt · 13/02/2026 13:16

Just change the night out to a different night?

IceIceSlippyIce · 13/02/2026 13:19

His mother should have said sonething!!

NoisyViewer · 13/02/2026 13:20

Have you spoken to MIL, she may have been exhausted but I would rather babysit once than twice in one week. I’d take being tired over having 2 nights looking after kids. It’s abit of a coincidence that the 2 times he asked as clashed with SIL. So I assume they’re always babysitting for SIL or the mil has been asked and she’s preferenced the date, either way

as for SIL. So what her daughter had to forgo an activity. Your mil is grandparent to both kids. If routine is so important she’d take no babysitting from anyone. When I’ve babysat for family members n the past I’ve tried to adhere to the rules. But if my nephews kept getting up I wasn’t going to go all super nanny on them. I’d tuck up next to them & watch something. When my kids where looked after by family I expected a little routine damage. I might have a crappier day the next day but it’s a price you pay.

itsgettingweird · 13/02/2026 13:21

He’s more then entitled to arrange childcare for his child as well.

His mum is also more than entitled to say no.

NoisyViewer · 13/02/2026 13:21

WelshRabBite · 13/02/2026 13:13

He shouldn’t have to check with you per se, however, he should have the intelligence to realise that his mum will be knackered after a full-on day with two toddlers, know his own child’s routine well enough to know it could be fucked up by messing about with it to this extent and pick another day.

By simply choosing a different day, he won’t have fucked off SIL & BIL, or potentially knackered his mother out, his child would probably find the evening easier, and you’d be a lot more chill about going away.

Does he always put his wants and needs before others?

this is assuming mil hasn’t chosen to be knackered over having both a Friday & Saturday evening taken up babysitting.

ThreeTescoBags · 13/02/2026 13:25

DH: Hey mum, can you have son overnight on x date?

MIL: Would love to but looking after niece that day, could do y date instead?

DH: that'd be great

No need for you to be involved at all op. A need for other adults to communicate like normal people.

ShetlandishMum · 13/02/2026 13:25

Do you run everything past your husband?
I think you overthink this being anreasonable.

DaisyChain505 · 13/02/2026 13:26

You need to relax.

AgnesMcDoo · 13/02/2026 13:28

If that was me - I’d say thank you and crack on planning a nice night out.

surely MIL could say no if she doesn’t want to do it.

let your DH be a parent and an adult without having to get approval from you first

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/02/2026 13:30

I don't understand. Surely if it is such an issue for MIL, she'd have said no? Are you sure this isn't about your anxiety about him sleeping over for the first time?

Brewtiful · 13/02/2026 13:30

Surely the question should actually be why didn't MIL use her words and suggest another night? If she agreed then whether she's tired or not is on her.

He shouldn't have to run child care past you. If you're annoyed with anyone, be annoyed with MIL for agreeing.

Bearbookagainandagain · 13/02/2026 13:30

He shouldn't have to think whether his parents already have his niece on that day or not.
I can't imagine having to keep track of your siblings caring arrangements, and it's not really any of his business.

The issue is that his mum/parents said yes, when really they can't. So it's a conversation to have with all of them:

  • either your husband hasn't clearly stated what he needed (e.g. from 6 pm at X location)
  • or his mum said yes when they weren't actually free.

They both need to better communicate, and if it's not clear to him your husband needs to better understand what's required when setting up a babysitting arrangement with his parents (or a babysitter).

But taking the responsibility out of his hands is not the solution.

Lmnop22 · 13/02/2026 13:32

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect your spouse to talk to you before they arrange for your child to sleep over somewhere outside the home! Especially when it’s the first time so they must be quite young…!

NoisyViewer · 13/02/2026 13:33

Aur0raAustralis · 13/02/2026 13:16

YABU to require him to check with you every time. You'll just be creating a rod for your own back.

But I do think it's reasonable to tell him that you don't think it's fair on anyone for PIL to be looking after children from two families at once, and to avoid booking on days when they're already committed. It might also be worth having a word with his mum and saying the same. She might feel like she can't say no.

When kids where smaller my working friends complained there husband never sorted out child care. One husband got it in the neck when he called her to ask where their child was so he could pick them up 🤣.

the fact this seems a regular clash suggests that the MIL would rather babysit once than twice or that the SIL monopolises the babysitter

MaryBeardsShoes · 13/02/2026 13:34

You are making problems. Your MIL is a grown woman surely capable of deciding her own limits.

Thingything · 13/02/2026 13:34

2 issues here - one is should he have checked other is the plan itself.

Should he have checked - yes, maybe, that would be good communication. BUT that's outweighed by it being nice for him to be proactive. I'd love my husband to proactively make a plan to take me out AND organize childcare. That would be the dream. (NB one time he took me away for a surprise weekend and literally the day before realized he hadn't organized childcare because that's usually my domain. Lol).

Other thing is the plan itself - you just need to chill. The plan is fine. Your child spending time with his cousin is a nice thing. Your MIL will be fine. I say this from a place of kindness as I was similarly routine-obsessed with my eldest and in hindsight I should have chilled out, life would have been more fun.

Enjoy your date night!

bridgetreilly · 13/02/2026 13:35

It’s not up to you to manage your MIL’s commitments. She should be able to say no to her own son, and your SIL can take her concerns up with her own brother.

AuntyAngela · 13/02/2026 13:36

So you do all the arranging of your child, expect for the times your husband does. Then when he does you don't like that he has and suppose everyone (MILs and SILs in this case) else's feeling on it.

That's a "I do everything" martyrdom in it's infancy. Not too late to stop i growing, if you accept he can arrange things too.

musicforthesoul · 13/02/2026 13:38

Surely this is between your DH and MIL? She should have said no if she's already committed elsewhere.

Like others have said though she may well prefer having one very busy night than doing multiple nights babysitting.

canklesmctacotits · 13/02/2026 13:39

Id you ask him to consult you, you’ll be putting yourself at the top of the list for people-arranging now and forever more. There are four adults here: you, DH, MIL and SIL. Your permission isn’t required, the other three can sort it out amongst themselves. If you feel bad or embarrassed that MIL is going to feel knackered, just ask your DH if he knew this or discussed it with his mum before he made the plan and suggest picking another day. You don’t need to be the one in charge of everyone and everything - be careful what you wish for!

B1anche · 13/02/2026 13:41

I would give my right arm to have a parent or in-law who could occasionally take my child.

MIL could have said no if it was too much for her. Or as others have said, it could suit her better to get all the babysitting done on one day.

Enjoy your childfree time and stop fretting.

Original poster
Embarrassedmumoftoddler · 13/02/2026 13:43

Just to clarify, I’m less worried about MIL being exhausted - as PP mentioned she’s an adult and it’s up to her if she can do it or not.

I’m more worried that there is no chance of even remotely keeping to my son’s bedtime routine seeing as they can’t leave BIL & SIL’s until after he would usually go to bed. He is a boy that likes his sleep and his routine so this will unsettle him

OP posts: