To want DH to consult me before making childcare plans

[Embarrassedmumoftoddler]

Just as background, I’m a SAHM and i do all the care, organizing etc of DS whilst DH has a busy job and because of that is much more hands off.

DH has arranged for his parents to have DS for the night so we can go out which is lovely but he did it without speaking to me first and has picked a day where my MIL already looks after our niece at BIL’s house and my BIL & SIL don’t get home until after my boy would have gone to bed.

This will be the first time my in laws have DS overnight and I’m concerned that it could end up being a bit of a nightmare for my MIL as DS will be massively out his usual routine anyway then they’ll have to drive him 30 mins back to their house when he should already have been asleep.

Its not the first time DH has arranged for his parents to have DS on a day when they are already committed to looking after our niece and I know MIL was exhausted by the end of the day looking after 2 toddlers and also SIL wasn’t thrilled as it meant niece couldn’t do her usual activities that day.

Had I known what DH was planning, I would have suggested another day. I haven’t said anything to DH yet as I don’t want to annoy him but IABU to ask that he checks with me before making arrangements for our son?

Definitely not a martyr, I’m a SAHM & the agreement is I manage all of that side of things - DH has made arrangements twice in 2 years and both times its clashed with his brother & SIL’s childcare arrangement with his parents

I can remember my Mum offering to have my brothers 2 children as well as my 2 when I'd asked her ( well in advance) to have mine overnight for my first big night out since DC1 was born. I was really cross, i knew she'd struggle with 2 the first time, that's why I hadn't asked her till my youngest was capable of sleeping through. She couldn't manage all of them, had a terrible night, the DC all kept each other up, and delivered all 4 of them back to my house at 8am shouting at me. There was no real reason why she needed to have my brother's children as well as mine, she just thought it might be fun. There was nothing organised, not even beds, we did it all when we arrived, and she had no plan.
It went so wrong she never had any of them again overnight.
My children are not horrors, they were usually pretty well behaved, and like a lot of children thrived on routine.
OP I totally get why you are annoyed. You'd want your DC to have a nice quiet time, with usual routines in place in a nice quiet atmosphere, not having granny racing around trying to deal with the differing needs after keeping DC up well after their bedtime. It's obviously a recipe for disaster.
Tell Dh it's too much for MiL, and another day would work better. Explain that you don't want it all to go tits up, and then MiL not wanting to babysit again, and then rearrange it with Mil yourself.

Does it matter for one day? I used to be like you and I look back and think they soon would have got back into their routine.

So? Once in a while doesn't matter. You can't be rigid and expect routines never to change. Your husband is doing a nice thing by arranging a night out.

It's one night...I think sometimes in the desperate need to get sleep some people forget that life goes on and sometimes one late night really isn't that big of a deal and I say that as someone who has a child who didn't sleep for any more than a few hours at a time for years.

This really is a none issue. So he’ll be more tired than usual for a day?

Surely your MIL would have said no if she felt she wasn't up for it?
My own MIL would usually have my own DD and her older cousin for a sleepover at the same time as they like to play together. She likes having them together. If she's fit and not usually a person afraid to say no, assume she knows what she's doing.

Second point, I understand wanting your DH to have maybe said something (I know myself and DH would mention it if we're organising childcare) however he was trying to do something nice here. If you bring it up, you may put him off making the effort again.

Don't overthink it, and enjoy your childfree night out

Is it less that you think your DH should run things by you than that you think DH should be aware of and consider all the permutations?

Can you suggest to him now that he changes the plan with MIL to another night?

It might unsettle him but it's for one night. He will recover.

This is how women end up shouldering all the parenting and burning out. Because they want to control everything, they can't loosen up and want everything done exactly as they want all the time.

or he could just check with his mum?!

can't you just say to DH to swap nights out, says its so lovely of you to organise etc but you don't want to stress MIL. So it doesn't clash for MIL and make her exhausted looking after 2 toddlers - when she can actually enjoy looking after both separately

TBH I think looking after 2 toddlers is a lot for MIL regardless

Or suggest they put him in pjs before leaving the cousins house as he will most probably fall asleep in the car on the way home - if he is a routine boy

Yes Yabu.

OK before having read this I was thinking about the Mil- I'm close to my Mil so I would call her and ask her if it's not going to be too much for her and check in if she would like to switch day for my son.
But since you don't care for your Mil and it's just about your son's routine I think you are being a little precious. I don't mean that in a nasty way. I have been guilty of having been a bit precious with my firstborn as well. With number two you get much more relaxed- you kind of have to😅 which is a good thing for everyone involved. Your son can feel that your nervous on drop off and might be kicking off because of it. As if you go into leaving him feeling confident that Mil can deal with whatever comes up you will enjoy yourself more and your son will feel better about his sleep over as well.

is this for valentines specifically or something else-if it is just a random day ask him to change it