To feel a bit stifled career wise even though being a parent want my choice

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

I'm 8 years into being a parent, and for the first time I'm starting to feel frustrated by how it limits your career. There is a great job that's come up, a step up for me, into an area I really want to move into, and it's quite rare for this type of job to be available. And I can't go for it because the logistics won't work, e.g. I can't work full time because of childcare arrangements, travel is a bit too far (with childcare to consider), etc...

Really I'm just complaining and privileged, because I know lots of people have to work full time and travel and find childcare somehow. I probably need to stop feeling sorry for myself, because really it's my choice (and privilege) to prioritise being at home with them after school, being more available in the school hols etc.

I think this is just the first time I've really, really wanted something and I have to "sacrifice" the opportunity, even though the kids are my priority.

I know this post is entitled and self-indulgent. Indulge me - does anyone get it? Or maybe I need a kick up the arse 🤣

Where is the kids father in this? If you've been "stepped down" for 8 years, isn't it time he took a turn and reduced or compressed his working hours for a few years so that you can get your career bootstrapped a bit?

It doesn't make any sense, really. He makes twice what I make, so how could we justify him stepping down, you know?

I feel for you!

I went the other way - did all the travel, paid for all the childcare (because I’m a single parent and had no choice 😂) but I’m still not sure if it was the ‘right’ choice and I think there can be major regrets on both sides of the coin. We just can’t win as parents!

Thanks for the solidarity @namechange3651 I'm sure, like all of us, you did the best you could and made the choice that was right at the time.

I'm lucky to have a job and flexibility, I've just got myself into a right funk about it today! Think I suddenly miss being able to put myself first and be selfish

Yes, I get it. One thing to think about is - what would happen if your husband was offered a similar opportunity? Would the family be able to jump at the opportunity, would you step up to fill in the gaps with the children (or maybe there aren't any gaps with the children because you're already filling them?), move house if necessary? Is his career able to be prioritised because yours isn't?

how could we justify him stepping down, you know?

Him stepping down is extreme but you do need to look at the longer term for yourself and for your family. The longer you leave it the bigger the gap. It may be too soon to go for this specific job but you do need to start planning to narrow the career gap. 10-20 years from now two of you with good careers will be better than one.

And is your husband's career the kind that might be at risk from redundancy?

it's my choice (and privilege) to prioritise being at home with them after school, being more available in the school hols etc.

That comes at a cost. I'm not saying you're wrong to make that choice but it sounds as if the cost has started to bite and it's time to review your priorities. It might be worth taking more of a hit now (in paid-for childcare or whatever else) to invest in your future career.

Well obviously his current earning power is higher than yours - he hasn't been taking the beating that you have for the past 8 years

But if your career gets this boost then in a few years' time you might have a similar earning power to as if you hadn't taken that hit. Then he can return to standard hours and the whole family benefits from the elevation.

If he's that senior he's probably in a very strong position to dictate flexible terms that don't impact his earnings too much. Eg I expect he could arrange for a flexible hybrid arrangement where he gets some WFH time which he fits around getting the kids to school/childcare in the morning and then gies into the office, or perhaps goes in at normal time if you can cover mornings, and comes home early to sort out kids after school then catches up with WFH in the evening, and that might be possible with no salary reduction at all, or only 5% less in take-home pay which would be less than the uplift you would be getting looked at in the long term

Thanks for that considered response @AmaryllisNightAndDay . I think the bit about now not being the right time but considering next steps for my own career and how to get there is really helpful.

I think I do still want to be at home with them and avoid childcare, but I do feel frustrated by the expectation that I will be the more flexible one, and the endless consideration of "am I doing enough in the house/with the kids to 'make up for' being the part time worker now they are both in school".

Probably need a bit of a re-evaluation of things...

Thanks @CactusSwoonedEnding . I think all the points you make are good. I suppose, like everyone, it's about what you want your whole life to look like, not just work.

I'll never earn what he earns, his career just pays way better than mine, so that's another thing. I feels hard to justify everyone sacrificing so I can have more career satisfaction and earn more, when I'll still never earn what he can working full time.

His salary is irrelevant to your career progression, and obviously his earning potential will only grow at the expense of yours if you keep up this attitude. I told DH I would only contemplate having a child with him if he switched jobs to something more family friendly, and that I wouldn’t be taking a step back in my own career. Now DS is a teenager, we’re both able to forge ahead.

At the moment you've decided that the new job couldn't possibly work, but you don't even know if you could get it. Why don't you apply, find out more and then start thinking about how you could make it work? You might surprise yourself.

I guess I'm not sure if this is a his career vs my career moment, or more or a "what's my real priority now the kids aren't tiny anymore".

🤣 good point!

Giving up my career was not something I would have contemplated and my DH was well aware of that fact before we married/ had DC

Once that position was established we worked everything out from there

Worked for us,DC now in 20s ,doing well,we have great relationship and they saw both their parents have careers and work to support them

A lot of women I know took a back seat and some regret it
Some did fine
Some were really stuffed after marriage broke down

My brain burning mother and aunts would never have forgiven me 😀

But it's not just about money is it. It's that you have as much right to feelings of satisfaction, achievement and meeting your potential as he has, and nobody is naturally born inclined delight in the drudgery of home-making - that's a lie that the patriarchy has found it convenient to brainwash into half the population but it's not true.

I think women were told we could 'have it all'. But nobody can have it all can they, men or women. There has to be a price somewhere. What I will say is that I gave up work to be with the kids when they were small and gradually started building it back up again and I'm now roughly where I want to be and the kids are in their early teens. This took lots of effort and luck (tbh) but has meant that I was able to give the kids what I thought was best and value my own brains too.

What I'm saying is that it's worth expending some energy thinking about what you want and how to get there. Maybe you can't think about this job but the fact you're feeling like that is an indication you need to start thinking about moving on.

It's a shame that generally women have to be the architect of how this works family-wise so they don't end up 'doing it all' instead of 'having it all'. But (at the risk of being told off on here) if you're realistic about that fact and take control of it by delegation, training the kids on household asks early, sussing out alternative childcare arrangements, etc it makes it easier for you in the long run. It is worth prioritising because you are important.

I haven't given up my career though - I still work 3 days and have progressed to the top of my pay scale. I'm just trying to decide if working more/travel is worth the cost to my family, and what my priorities are.

It might be worth saying that my husband is supportive and does a share of drop offs/pick ups. We both agree we want to avoid a lot of childcare while they are young, and it always made more sense for me to be the one who worked part time so he could earn more, which we all benefit from.

It doesn't feel like his career vs my career. I guess it justs like @Poppingby has said - no one can have it all.

Massive solidarity here OP. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get back into your career and aspire to something now the kids are a bit older. Sure, you may never earn as much as your DH, but thats irrelevant if work gives you fulfillment. At some point the kids will be teenagers and you'll want tl be in a decent place in your career. Thats not selfish, thats responsible.

Sometimes the best thing for you and the family isn't the solution that is best financially, caveat being that there's still the income for bills to be covered.

Athena Swan did a study a while ago on the careers of spouses of successful academics. They found that successful male academias typically had spouses in less "high flying" roles where they could work part-time and take on more of the household requirements allowing the academic to peruse the career. In female academics however they found that the spouses were more likely to also be in professional careers and working full time.

I think it is worth talking to your husband about what adjustments he could make to his working routine to make it possible for you to start progressing your career again. What support would you need? What support do your children need and what are fair divisions of this support and how is this going to change over the next 2, 3, 5 and so on years.

We have just done the opposite in that we have gone from a household with both of us on the career ladder to me now taking on more of the childcare. I was working 4 days a week but for my health rather than child care related. We shared the childcare - I did more of the drop offs as my partner left for work at 6.30am but he did more of the pick ups as I worked until 6pm. We shared the cooking and chores. Post redundancy we have re-evaluated and I'm looking at changing career and looking for something that would fit in better with school hours. My daughter is finding school more difficult than nursery so I'll be looking for something with more flexibility.

I guess I'm not sure if this is a his career vs my career moment, or more or a "what's my real priority now the kids aren't tiny anymore".

Yes that sounds like a good approach. Sometimes there's a crisis and then everything has to be re-evaluated at once, whether it's a redundancy or a health crisis or a child who starts needing more support at home. But barring a crisis, you can reasonably plan ahead. Just don't assume that DH gets all the career priority and you get none just because he can earn more - or that you get all the family commitment and he gets none just because the kids are used to leaning on you. One of my nephews had problems when he started secondary, his parents both had fulltime jobs and it was his Dad who stepped down at work and stepped in to support him.

Agree with this point!

My partner applied for a role above his current one "for the application experience" and to test the waters. He just wanted to see how far along the process he could get and what he would need to work on to get the role next time he saw one come up as he was really unhappy in the position he was in and was actively looking to move on. It was completely impractical as it would involve moving and/or a long commute.... He only bloody got it and whilst the first 18m were tough. Relocating was delayed by the pandemic and my health but we moved and our life adjusted and its been the best thing for the whole family.

It’s really hard in those moments where you as an individual would choose one thing, but family responsibilities (which you’re also willingly choosing) puts that out of reach.

There’s lots of good, considered advice on this thread. I don’t have much to add except sympathy for the hard choices.

How can you ever get to where he is if you are always putting your career on the backseat? for 8 years your career has taken the hits. It’s his turn. Compress his hours, use the extra money for proper wraparound, ask for flexibility. He has 8 years of leverage that you don’t.

let him figure what he need to do to support you to go for it. Why is it only you who has to figure out childcare logistics? You didn’t make the baby alone.

Being a woman doesn’t mean you have to default to sacrifice and call it a privilege

The job I’m currently in was FT, a 1.5 hour commute, and when I started the DCs were 9 and 7 and there was no ASC (pre WFH days). I got it, negotiated a very convoluted working pattern (short days in term time, long days in school hols) on top of a reduction to 80% of FT. And it was tough but we made it work and I’ve been promoted three times since. So try!

Not sure I ever thought myself privileged for having reduced my hours to fit in with kids btw - recognise it for the sacrifice that it is.

Yes, I would put it to him that you want to go for this opportunity, and what suggestions does he have to make it work when it means you'll be out of the house from X to Y or travelling every three months?

However, I also think you have to accept his solutions are not likely to involve zero childcare for school age children. I wouldn't be adjusting my work so that my kids don't experience any after school childcare, and wouldn't expect DH to either.

It's up to you if you prioritise picking your kids up every day over what sounds like a rare and exciting career opportunity, different things are important to different people. Personally I've never found the time straight after school a great time for enjoying my kids at their best!