To feel a bit stifled career wise even though being a parent want my choice

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

I'm 8 years into being a parent, and for the first time I'm starting to feel frustrated by how it limits your career. There is a great job that's come up, a step up for me, into an area I really want to move into, and it's quite rare for this type of job to be available. And I can't go for it because the logistics won't work, e.g. I can't work full time because of childcare arrangements, travel is a bit too far (with childcare to consider), etc...

Really I'm just complaining and privileged, because I know lots of people have to work full time and travel and find childcare somehow. I probably need to stop feeling sorry for myself, because really it's my choice (and privilege) to prioritise being at home with them after school, being more available in the school hols etc.

I think this is just the first time I've really, really wanted something and I have to "sacrifice" the opportunity, even though the kids are my priority.

I know this post is entitled and self-indulgent. Indulge me - does anyone get it? Or maybe I need a kick up the arse 🤣

I think this is a good point about maybe a complete no to wraparound care not necessarily something to factor in. I would be looking at solutions with minimal after-school club and what is reasonable and what is a satisfactory compromise.

We decided that it would be a long day if my daughter was in breakfast and after-school club. Our working patterns meant there wasn't a lot we could do about after-school but were able to adjust our routines to avoid breakfast club more than once or twice a month. I know others that find after-school easier so their kids do breakfast club most days and rarely do after school club and others that do either breakfast club or after-school but never both on the same day. There are also casual arrangements too, I have friends that work until 4 and their children are brought home from school by friends parents. It usually means that by the time they have walked/driven home their parent has finished work and ready to spend the rest of their afternoon/evening with them but the need to be at the school gate for 3.15 isn't essential

I get it, OP. I qualified as a midwife coming up three years ago. Had first baby last year, I’m 35 so not much time to wait! Anyway, I am now going back to work 2 days a week. I can’t offer them nights, weekends or any extras because of childcare and our lack of familial support which means to be honest, I am pretty much dispensable to them. I’ve not much to offer anymore.

My husband works full time but like you, he earns more, so it makes sense. Il never be able to climb the progression ladder or specialise if thats what I wanted to do. I’m not quite yet annoyed about it, give it a few years(!) but I jus wanted to say I understand.

Why on earth are you putting your career on the backseat; and allowing your husband to forge ahead. So unfair. Apply for the job: doesn’t mean youll get it or take it but you must must apply

I was going to say something similar.

Is it worth re examining whether avoiding childcare is that important?

A lot of people on here seem very intense about wanting to pick their children up at 3 every day but I have never quite understood it. My kids actually quite enjoy wraparound care. I do pick them up at 3 once a week but it never feels like amazing quality time TBH.

I wonder if there is a middle ground where your DH changes his hours a bit to avoid some wraparound care but otherwise you just use a bit more childcare?

I think everyone has misunderstood this thread. I'm not putting my career on the backseat so my husband can progress. There is no after school club, in the past I haven't wanted to use childminders, I've wanted to be at home with them after-school and as much as we can in the holidays. Now I'm feeling more trapped by that, but still trying to juggle the very real fact that childcare is hard to arrange, expensive, not sure if I want it or if I can get it to work, or if the job would be worth it... Plus he WFH already, does what he can, earns more so our quality of life is good, we aren't always crossing over trying to juggle everything or working evenings.

I think fundamentally I've just reached a point where I need to re-evaluate and see if being at home as much as I am is still my top priority, and if it's feasible to change that, and if those changes would be worth their impact.

Thank you for the advice form everyone, it's really helpful to hear other perspectives.

This is how men justify inequality in the home.

He doesn't have to "step down", but he could presumably agree to some modifications which would allow him to do some childcare drop-offs and pickups to enable you to prioritise your career.

He's had eight years of you effectively underwriting him on childcare, you want to start focusing on your career: entirely fair and financially sensible for your family in the long term. If he's a real partner he should be willing to agree some compromise here. It doesn't have to be anything as radical as him leaving his job, just agreeing to meet in the middle.

And don't tell yourself you're being "privileged". There's nothing self-indulgent about wanting to develop some financial independence and increase your family's income. Why are you feeling like that's unreasonable? It's not.

I think fundamentally I've just reached a point where I need to re-evaluate and see if being at home as much as I am is still my top priority, and if it's feasible to change that, and if those changes would be worth their impact.

It's your call, obviously, and I don't know how old your children are but presumably if you've done this for eight years at least some of them are in school?

The value of having a parent at home when children are in school, as opposed to when they are tiny, is pretty limited.

You clearly want to focus on your career and the barriers to your doing so will diminish as your children get older.

It won’t be ideal for this opportunity but if DC is 8 and relatively sensible in a couple of years once picked up from school they will be able to entertain themselves quite happily for an hour or two. If DH is work from home, in a senior role where he has built up a good reputation, he could step up and do some school pick ups, give DC a snack and do a couple more hours work with the door open. DC will be old
enough to understand Dad’s having to take a call / send an important email. Takes the pressure off you a bit if you need to be in an office or travelling for work. Unless you live very remotely once DC at secondary school they’ll start being able to make their own way home too. It is frustrating and not easy - but light at the end of the tunnel with the age of your DC?

I think I feel torn, like I shouldn't want to be at home for them at the expense of my career, but also like It shouldn't want to prioritise my career over being away from them!

DS2 only just turned 5 and started reception in Sept, so he still feels young to me! DS1 has always actively hated holiday clubs, which doesn't make you feel any better either. DH already does 2 drop off and 2 pick ups around his WFH schedule.

I think I'm just unreasonably annoyed that this particular job isn't really possible, for decisions of my own making! This thread had helped me realise that change will probably need to come soon, though.

Or fuck it, maybe I'll just apply and see what happens 🤣

When you had your first child and dropped down to part time what was the income disparity between you and your husband? Was he earning twice your salary 8 years ago?

Yeah, he's always earned a lot more, I'm in healthcare and he's in IT so it's just a totally different ball game! He earns twice my full time wage, not my part-time one! That's why I keep saying I'm privileged, because it is a luxury to be able to opt out of full time work and make decisions over childcare, rather than just needing to work full time to pay the bills.

But was he earning twice your salary 8 years ago?

Yes, he was. Since then, I've been promoted and moved up to the top of my band, and he's also been promoted/moved for a better jobs, so he still earned nearly twice my full time wage.

Am I missing something? Does it seem like a bad decision to people to prioritise the income of the higher earner? I've still kept my career progressing, and also been able to maximise time at home. But I feel like there's a suggestion that I'm doing this, I'm making a really bad decision...

Thanks - that makes it clearer to understand your decision

It depends what you mean by "prioritising". Obviously the career of the main breadwinner is more important to the household income, it would be lunacy for him to throw his job away to make a point. But that doesn't mean he can't make some compromises: compress hours, agree to stop working a little earlier to manage childcare.

You seem to be assuming that this is impossible: probably because he's told you it is (because it suits him). But very few people's careers are so demanding that they can't make some compromises to support their partner. It sounds like he's fairly established in his career so he probably has some leverage to request this.

His job is important. But that doesn't mean you are prohibited from working and its interesting that you seem to see this as a zero sum game.

Why can't you consider using some childcare?

My husband already works some evenings to accommodate pick up/drop offs 2 days a week. There's not really any wiggle room for him to do more than that, without eating into more evenings, which we don't want.

The school doesn't have an after school club, but we could look for a childminder, yes. The whole thread is about whether I actually want to do that, or if I still prioritise being at home with them. I think I'm reaching the point where I want a bit more for myself, but I'm not sure and I do feel some guilt around it. Maybe that seems daft to other people! But we're all different.

I think this whole subject is couched in emotion and what can really feel like judgement and that's why you're struggling. It's really complex but people treat it like it's binary. I don't see the harm in applying for the job and seeing what happens but I suspect what you're feeling is part frustration, part 'in another life I'd be doing that' feeling without thinking where you are now is wrong, part the kids need me and I want to hang out with them too, part I should be more successful/ feminist, part just 'I want that job without the additional work it would bring given the kids exist'.

A job is a good way to have structured validation of your existence. Being around for your kids less so these days. You don't actually need structured validation of your existence though, you just need to do what you want or what works for you (including whatever you think is best for your kids). Your mind is telling you it's time to start reevaluating what that is, because very few arrangements work for your whole life and change is good!

For what it's worth, staying at home with my kids was drudgy and boring and hard work but I have never regretted it because it has given me a really good relationship with them as teenagers. I'm not saying it's the only way to have that, but being around is certainly a reliable way. When they're teenagers, the relationship is the only means of control you have.

Thank you @Poppingby I think you've explained it really well there!

The whole thread is about whether I actually want to do that, or if I still prioritise being at home with them. I think I'm reaching the point where I want a bit more for myself, but I'm not sure and I do feel some guilt around it. Maybe that seems daft to other people! But we're all different.

So you need to unpack the guilt a bit because its clouding your judgement. It's useful for you to think about where this guilt is coming from.

With children at school there is no rational reason to be at home all the time as there might be when they are really small and the value in being at home gets smaller and smaller as they get older. You clearly are a devoted and involved mother: you've given the best part of a decade to looking after your children. Assuming they are happy and settled at school, there is no reason for you not to want to carve out some time to work, particularly as its largely during school hours.

Why do you feel guilty about wanting to work? Is it because of some genuine fear about how it will impact your children? There is no credible evidence that working parents harm children, and certainly not when they are school age. It will be an adjustment, both for you and them, but it's an adjustment which has to come sooner or later. You can't put the rest of your life on hold due to guilt.

If its not that, are there people in your life who are making you feel that you are under some obligation to stay at home?

@Thepeopleversuswork well exploring all that is going to open a right can of worms, isn't it? 🤣🙈

I’d just apply. “Just apply” was one of the bits of best career advice I ever had. I’ve built my career and had a few jobs while being a (single…..) parent, it’s always worked out even when it might have looked impossible on paper before applying. Once you have the job there’s always room for negotiation for flexibility, and the decision always feels different once it’s in front of you in a real way.

Well... but if you want to do something in life and the only thing that's holding you back is guilt, and if the guilt is entirely misplaced, you have to ask yourself if the guilt is the problem!