MIL and childcare

[Passenger7]

I have a DS nearly 3. Since I went back to work MIL has looked after him 1 day per week. In the last 6 months my work changed my hours and she started to have him 2 days around 75% of the time. The rest of the days was nursery. We were super grateful for her help especially as she is nearly 75.

Now I’ve managed to negotiate fewer hours again and MIL can go back to 1 day per week childcare. She’s really unhappy about it and won’t speak to us as she wants to have DS more. DH has explained that I want to spend more time with my son but she’s being really off with us completely. For example she had a few clothes at her house for DS but yesterday she left them all on my doorstep saying she won’t need them anymore.

AIBU to want to spend more time with DS? I feel like MIL has had her time with young DC (she was a SAHM) and now this is my time.

This isn't unusual. She'll get used to it. It's a better problem than her not wanting to be involved!

She's perhaps aware that the older they both get, the less they'll be able to do together, if he's high-energy and she struggles, and she wants to spend more time with him now. He's also not a million miles off starting school five days a week.

Perhaps you could plan something you could do as a three sometimes, like going to the farm or whatever.

Just let DH deal with it.

I think it's a bit off saying she's"had her time" with your son. She stepped up when you asked her to and she hasn't just got used to it, she enjoys it. Or she could be feeling that you're governing her free time and is having a paddy.
If she's normally a sensible person she'll come round eventually.

I suppose she is feeling like she’s done something wrong or she’s too old or you just don’t appreciate her.

could she still pick up your ds sometimes when he’s at nursery and just have him in the afternoon, for example?

Or could you have one day a month where all three of you spend the day together? That might be lovely

Could you not invite your mother in law round for lunch on the extra day you won’t be working? That would give you the morning alone with your son and then you could spend two or three hours together with him and your mother in law over lunch.

So she has permission to help but you get to dictate it? No wonder she os annoyed

Ah, you are definitely not unreasonable to want to spend more free time with your child. But at the same time it's nice that you MIL wants to spend time with him too.

I echo @LittlePetitePsychopath , maybe invite MIL along to some of your days out with DS. She is probably acutely aware of her own mortality - since turning 60 I am much more aware of this myself. My MIL was in her early 70s when we adopted our DS and I know she really enjoyed having him one afternoon a week, even though I was a SAHM.

We kept that afternoon going when he started school, and she picked him up from school every Thursday all through school until he started at secondary

Let your partner deal with it. Im guessing he is used to managing his mother

If everyone was happy with MIL doing 2 days per week why dont you reduce the nursery hours instead?

Don't apologise for wanting to see your own dc!!

Also, yes it's your time to be mum, but to me, the role of grandparents is to do the fun stuff then hand them back and go for a good night's sleep in a tidy house.
She's had her time as mum, but now it's her time to be grandma. Speaking as someone who's kids only have one functioning grandparent, and they live too far away to come even for a day trip, be grateful you've got such good support.

Agree it's a bit off. She helped when you needed it.

If you are still using a nursery can you not reduce those hours instead of reducing her time?

I can see both sides. As a housewife myself, I can see why you want to spend your extra day off with your child.

However, your MIL has helped you out when many could only dream of such help. In your shoes I would reduce the Nursery days to allow her to keep her second day with him.

Alternatively, you could spend part of your new day off with your MIL as well, or plan some nice days out some weeks, especially to help her adjust initially.

I’m not sure if I made clear in the OP but she will still be having him 1 full day per week? I don’t want to reduce nursery hours as it will be difficult to get them back. She also has family overseas and spends 8-10 weeks per year there during which time DH and I use holiday from work for childcare.

I wouldn’t reduce nursery hours either. One day a week is fine, it’ll suit them both. She’s just sore because she’s been doing two. She will get over it, honestly. For now, just let her be a bit upset about it.

What a good problem to have

Why not ask her to babysit at the weekend sometimes?

One day is plenty and you’re right to protect your own time with him.

I get irritated by these MILs that give the rest of us a bad name tbh! Of course it's lovely that she agrees to have your DS one day a week but that shouldn't come with a caveat of that help meaning she can then demand extra time with him or call any shots. She is being childish - and to drop the clothes on your doorstep is just weird. She will still be having him one day a week anyway.

I would imagine you see her with DH and DS at other times too as a normal family would met up. You should absolutely not feel you have to compromise your time with your own DS to please her.

Like fuck would I be having lunch with MIL every week!
Mine you, we have never used her for childcare either.

Maybe every so often for OP' MIL

She is behaving like a spoilt child by the sounds of it. Agree leave your husband to deal with it and don’t feed the drama.

it was clear.

1 day a week with MIL is fine.
i wouldn't invite her round for lunch either tbh

she'll be fine op, probably just feeling abit sad and hurt. It is a nice problem to have.

Gosh she sounds incredibly dramatic and immature, dumping his clothes on your doorstep because she's sulking?! I would just ignore this behaviour. Surely she can understand that you want to spend time with your son.

Am I missing something? The majority of these responses aren’t making any sense to me. He’s YOUR child, so if you want to spend more time with him, that’s your decision and not something she should be outwardly expressing annoyance about. She might be disappointed but I’d find it quite concerning that she seems to think she’s more entitled to spend time with him than his own mum. She should be happy that you both get to have time with him

You have to stand your ground. I let my ex mother in law dictate things with my daughter like picking her up from nursery because she enjoyed doing it even though I had finished work for the day.
I just wanted to be a dad but my ex mother in law was a control freak who insisted on seeing her granddaughter every single day and having a say on her life.
One of the greatest things about divorce was getting that toxic woman out of my life.