MIL and childcare

[Passenger7]

I have a DS nearly 3. Since I went back to work MIL has looked after him 1 day per week. In the last 6 months my work changed my hours and she started to have him 2 days around 75% of the time. The rest of the days was nursery. We were super grateful for her help especially as she is nearly 75.

Now I’ve managed to negotiate fewer hours again and MIL can go back to 1 day per week childcare. She’s really unhappy about it and won’t speak to us as she wants to have DS more. DH has explained that I want to spend more time with my son but she’s being really off with us completely. For example she had a few clothes at her house for DS but yesterday she left them all on my doorstep saying she won’t need them anymore.

AIBU to want to spend more time with DS? I feel like MIL has had her time with young DC (she was a SAHM) and now this is my time.

We see her plenty of times throughout the week and weekend, she quite often does an overnight too or some time at the weekend just with DS. At some points she was probably spending more time with DS than me! I have been trying to drop some hours at work for ages to spend more time with him.

She’s overinvolved. Wouldn’t be for me, there’ll be payback expected at some stage. She’s already started showing her true colours when she doesnt get her own way. Seen it all before.

Surprised at the first few responses! She’s being ridiculous. Can’t believe she dumped his stuff on your doorstep. He’s your son, it’s great that you’ve been able to adjust things to spend more time with him.

She’s clearly been enjoying the extra time which is lovely but circumstances are different now so even if she’s a bit sad to lose the extra time she needs to get over it. Is she refusing to have him at all now? Can you get an extra nursery day?

Will he be going to pre school soon? You don’t want to reduce nursery

He will stay on in nursery preschool. I wouldn’t reduce nursery days; it’s reliable childcare, we can easily afford it, DS loves it there and I know he’s getting half decent meals and doing lots of activities. MIL picks him up from nursery slightly earlier one day per week and has him until DH or I finish work anyway.

Could you keep the nursery days if its easily affordable like you say but on the odd occasion if its a nice day or something she could take him out of nursery for the day to do something nice? I do feel a bit sorry for her. She probably feels she was good enough while you needed her but now you don't her feelings don't count for anything. Maybe a bit overdramatic but it seems she just loves her grandchild and id rather that that one that showed no interest.

I interpreted that differently - meaning when MIL was the mother of young children, she cared for them herself as a SAHM, and now OP is the mum of a young child, she'd like to be the person taking care of her own child during days off work rather than allowing MIL more time.
I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting to have more time with your own child, they grow up so fast. It would be nice to spend some time with her where you can, because it's great to have such a helpful grandparent, but she is being dramatic and it's not reasonable of her.

Have you been clear with her how grateful you are for being flexible and picking up the extra hours when you needed her to? Your post comes across as you thinking you were doing her a favour by letting her have your son for an extra day and now she should just sack up having that withdrawn rather than the fact she has helped you out hugely and is probably pretty hurt.

She's not dealing with it well too but I can see why she wouldn't be happy.

Dumping his clothes on your doorstep is a bit dramatic. She still has him one day per week, I don’t see her problem.

Well yes, that's perfectly normal. OP is the parent.

Yes this is what I meant, I’m not trying to stop her seeing DS at all, I would just like to spend a day of quality time with him. I know we have weekends, but they are usually filled up with chores and errands etc, on a weekday we can go to a group/class, soft play etc or just a walk around town without it being chaotic which is what I really miss.

The thing is if MIL has DS 2 full days per week that’s the same amount of time as me/we (his parents) get to spend fully with him? The time after nursery is just chaotic with dinner bath bed etc.

Yes we have always said we are very grateful, I thank her every time I pick DS up and we’ve given flowers etc to say thank you. DH has explained to her a few times that I would just like to spend a bit more time with DS before he starts school and that it’s not a reflection on her.

You take priority as parent over her. It’s not like she isn’t seeing him any more.

That isn't what the op said. It was that she'd (mil) had her time and now it was hers.
I didn't mean that op shouldn't spend more time with her child, I was a sahm (situations governed that but I was glad I spent so much time with my kids). I meant the way op said "she's had her time...." was a bit curt.

I meant that my MIL has had her time looking after small children when she was a SAHM and now is my time to spend a day looking after my DS.

I meant she should surely be sympathetic to the fact I want to spend 1 day per week with my son.

The dumping of the clothes was ridiculously melodramatic. And I speak as a grandma who can empathise with her disappointment, even though your decision is absolutely reasonable.

I think you/DH just have to keep super calm in any interaction with her. Re the clothes 'but you'll still have him a day a week. Will you not need them?'
Point out how much she loved being a full time SAHM, so surely she'd want you to have just one day a week to have the same experience. You and she will be having equal quality time with DC.

Just don't either of you lose your cool. She's got to realise that she's the one overreacting to something that's entirely reasonable.

I got used to seeing my grandchildren very regularly due to their parents shifts. Then their parents' schedules changed, and happily for them, they now have much more family time together.
I'm genuinely pleased for them, but at the same time feel sad sometimes, when I glance at the room full of toys that I needed back then, that now rarely get played with.

We can all have conflicting feelings, but your MIL needs to learn to swallow her disappointment, and appreciate the weekly day of one to one time that she's so fortunate to have.

Apologies, I had a few 👍🏼 for my comment so I think some others read it the way I did.

That’s not what OP said

She has enlightened me since then. Some other people seem to have thought the same as me though.

She'll get over it @Passenger7 and if she doesn't, tell her you're upping the nursery days so she doesn't have them at all.

I read the ‘had her time’ bit how you meant it too @Passenger7. How have things been left for now? Is she still going to do the one day? When is she next due to have your son?

Why don’t you send her a message to clear the air? I don’t think you need to apologise as you haven’t done anything wrong. Just that it wasn’t your intention to hurt her with the change of arrangements, you really appreciate how much support she’s given and are all lucky to have her. It’s important to you to be able to spend more quality time with your son, he’s growing up so fast and you want to cherish this time. You hope she will still enjoy 1 day a week, they have a lovely bond and you know how much your son enjoys his time with grandma.

Best case scenario she knows she’s been over dramatic and this gives an olive branch without apologising for wanting to spend time with your son.

I just read that Op pointed that out to you. OP was very clear in her wording though so I’m not sure how multiple people misread it

One thing you can be sure about MN is that people will take things in different ways and you'll get all sorts of opinions on the same subject.