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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not apologising

36 replies

MissSkate · 11/02/2026 18:06

I've been friends for a long time (I'll call her A). She lives with a lot of chronic pain and several illnesses. We try to help each other out when needed but she really doesn't like to ask for help if possible.

A needed help with a job that was physically too much for her, so I offered help, and we agreed on a day.

I messaged her early on that morning to ask if I was still needed that day as I'd seen that she'd had a bad night and struggled with sleep. Admittedly I did message around 7am because that's the only time I'd have time due to getting myself and 2 kids out to work and school.

I immediately got a message back shouting at me for waking her up, that she wasn't doing anything that day now, and she was going back to sleep.

I left her message on read not replying as my reply would wake her, again. I wanted to reply that I was working that day and wouldnt see her reply until I'd finished my shift (no phones allowed out at work) and I had other things to do, so was trying to organise my time. I'm maybe feeling very sensitive right now as my head isn't in a good space (as she knows) and felt awful all day because of her reply.

A does this a lot, shouts at people, she is in a great deal of pain every day but that's no reason to shout at friends who offer help.

We're now 2 weeks on, I've deleted my SM as I can't cope with it at the mo (she has other ways of messaging). She hasn't apologised and I feel like I've nothing to apologise for. I'm left feeling bad for something i feel wasn't my fault. AIBU for not apologising?

OP posts:
MissSkate · 11/02/2026 19:13

keepingitcoolagain · 11/02/2026 18:20

What does ‘shouting at you’ actually involve? I only ask as my partner says this when what is actually happening is he is having a conversation with someone assertive .

A blunt caps lock reply. She never replies like that

OP posts:
Roselily123 · 11/02/2026 19:14

MissSkate · 11/02/2026 19:03

Should have added that her phone wasn't on silent in case an elderly family member needs her

Hummm
So is your friend in a position to help said relative ?
would she shout at elderly relative shoulder they message at 7am.
Step back OP.

MissSkate · 11/02/2026 19:17

Roselily123 · 11/02/2026 18:34

THIS
everyone I know does this.
You can even go a step further, like my friend , where it tells you , the person has muted all calls.
Pain is a reason for be ‘snotty’ , but not an excuse.
Id be taking a step back

is she a user?

She keeps her phone on at night for an elderly relative. I genuinely thought she'd have had it on do not disturb for everyone else though. My mistake.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 11/02/2026 19:29

MissSkate · 11/02/2026 19:10

But she said she was going back to sleep and that would've woken her again. And to be honest I've got a life beyond all this

Chances are if you replied straight away she wouldn’t of been back asleep

Trifletree · 11/02/2026 19:38

I might be inclined to be more forgiving considered she has so many health issues and is in a lot of pain but I would still expect an apology and it depends how frequent this sort of behaviour is happening. I wouldn't tolerate it regularly.

BoarBrush · 11/02/2026 19:48

So she's allowed to be woken for a relative that needs help but not by someone doing her a favour? Sounds like she's taking the piss.

Livpool · 11/02/2026 20:01

She is taking the piss - leave her to it. I have chronic pain and don’t use it as an excuse to ‘shout’ at people

BauhausOfEliott · 11/02/2026 20:20

A sounds like a self-absorbed twat.

JanBlues2026 · 11/02/2026 20:25

MissSkate · 11/02/2026 19:17

She keeps her phone on at night for an elderly relative. I genuinely thought she'd have had it on do not disturb for everyone else though. My mistake.

She should do, she can choose who can bypass do not disturb. I would be woken at all hours if I left my phone on.

ThejoyofNC · 11/02/2026 20:42

MissSkate · 11/02/2026 19:17

She keeps her phone on at night for an elderly relative. I genuinely thought she'd have had it on do not disturb for everyone else though. My mistake.

I think she's lying. She must have already been awake because there's not a chance it was only your message to ping her phone all night. I wake up to all sorts of notifications.

BillyBites · 11/02/2026 20:46

Someone (not you!) needs to show her how to set her phone so that only specified people’s messages and calls can get through. So, she could have blocked your messages until a certain time but the aunt’s call would have got through.

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