For not apologising

[MissSkate]

I've been friends for a long time (I'll call her A). She lives with a lot of chronic pain and several illnesses. We try to help each other out when needed but she really doesn't like to ask for help if possible.

A needed help with a job that was physically too much for her, so I offered help, and we agreed on a day.

I messaged her early on that morning to ask if I was still needed that day as I'd seen that she'd had a bad night and struggled with sleep. Admittedly I did message around 7am because that's the only time I'd have time due to getting myself and 2 kids out to work and school.

I immediately got a message back shouting at me for waking her up, that she wasn't doing anything that day now, and she was going back to sleep.

I left her message on read not replying as my reply would wake her, again. I wanted to reply that I was working that day and wouldnt see her reply until I'd finished my shift (no phones allowed out at work) and I had other things to do, so was trying to organise my time. I'm maybe feeling very sensitive right now as my head isn't in a good space (as she knows) and felt awful all day because of her reply.

A does this a lot, shouts at people, she is in a great deal of pain every day but that's no reason to shout at friends who offer help.

We're now 2 weeks on, I've deleted my SM as I can't cope with it at the mo (she has other ways of messaging). She hasn't apologised and I feel like I've nothing to apologise for. I'm left feeling bad for something i feel wasn't my fault. AIBU for not apologising?

Yanbu. If she's that bothered she should put her phone on silent/do not disturb.

I actually feel very annoyed on your behalf. The onus is on her to silence her phone during her sleeping hours.
YANBU for not apologising.

How on earth did you know she'd had a bad night's sleep?

And you said she wrote a message so she wasn't actually shouting at you. Deleting all your social media seems like a bit of an overreaction.

Nah, fuck her. Don’t apologise.

YANBU, she should have organised a time with you in advance.

Just delete her, she doesn't sound nice.

She is just rude. My Dad lived with chronic pain for years and he was never horrible. Do not apologise.

Your "friend" is nasty.

You have nothing to feel bad about. A needs to realise that shouting at her friend who is trying to help her will result in her having no friends! Leave her be and get on with your life.

What does ‘shouting at you’ actually involve? I only ask as my partner says this when what is actually happening is he is having a conversation with someone assertive .

You know full well YANBU.

How did she 'shout' if your communication was by text?

In all honesty, I think the issue with text is that it can be read/received in a perceived tone which is not how the sender intended it.

It's not reasonable for her to actually shout at friends though.

Shouting by text is using all capital letters. She doesn’t seem much of a friend if she uses her pain to be horrible to people. Wait till she gets back in contact with you.

I am assuming the op means the reply was … ALLL IN CAPITALS!!!! AND HAD LOTS OF PUNCTUATION??!!!!
@MissSkate ?

THIS
everyone I know does this.
You can even go a step further, like my friend , where it tells you , the person has muted all calls.
Pain is a reason for be ‘snotty’ , but not an excuse.
Id be taking a step back

is she a user?

If you don’t want to be woken up by your phone, then put it on silent. She’s being unreasonable and sounds unpleasant.

Sounds like you both had childish reactions.

YANBU. Living with chronic pain must be awful for A and I do empathise with her situation. Having said that you were kind enough to offer to help her despite the demands on your time of work and your children. Her shouting was rude and unnecessary and she should apologise to you. In the absence of this, I wouldn't contact her.

A should have put her phone on silent if she didn’t want to be disturbed. A simple ‘sorry I woke you’ wouldn’t of hurt though and probably would of saved all this drama

I have had chronic pain for 15yrs and have never shouted at a friend, and certainly not one who is offering help. Maybe she should put her phone on DND if she doesn’t want to be disturbed.

Should have added that her phone wasn't on silent in case an elderly family member needs her

She should have told you the night before that whatever wasn’t going to happen. It’s on her to apologise, not you.

She'd mentioned on SM but I'd left it as late as I could before I left for work to message her.

Trust me, I know when she's shouting. The blunt caps message was enough.

SM deletion may be a bit of an overreaction but this was the final straw for me in realising that I'm always there for everyone but get little back. And as mentioned above my MH isn't good. I now longer have the energy to give to others dramas. It wasn't just this message, this was a culmination of stuff.

But she said she was going back to sleep and that would've woken her again. And to be honest I've got a life beyond all this

But she said she was going back to sleep and that would've woken her again. And to be honest I've got a life beyond all this

Yanbu.
Mind yourself OP.
Drop that rope and use your energy to mind yourself.
Leave A to herself.
She was wrong and rude.
In pain or not, you are not her emotional punch bag.
Embrace the peace.
YOU have nothing to feel bad about.