Can’t agree about cry it out

[PlumGoose]

Have a 16 month old. He’s always been a poor sleeper - when NCT friends were progressing to sleeping through the night I was still up breastfeeding 2-3 times a night and multiple other wakes too. We’ve had a handful of nights where he’s slept through all more recently and DH and I both just chronically tired albeit it’s me who does 90% of the night wake, previously through feeding and now because if DH goes in I can often hear it escalating to even worse screaming/crying. Occasionally it’s ok but mostly I end up having to go in and calm an even worse situation.
Since moving to one nap it’s improved a lot and now a couple of night wakes and he can often settle himself - I can tell quite quickly if it’s one of those and don’t need to go in. Tonight it quickly turned to crying, can see on monitor he was stood up in crib and escalating so I go in (even though I’m up at 5 for office) and end up in huge argument because DH adamant I’ve made it worse by going in and should have just left him to cry.
I don’t agree with cry it out and I’ve not managed the past 16 months to just swap to that now. I gave in to DH saying let’s try it and and baby was crying to the point he was sick before I went in and then spent an hour calming him back down. It was just awful but DH just isn’t affected by seeing him so distressed like I suppose I am.
where do we go from here? I’m sick of arguing about it, wish we could split the load and wish we all just got more sleep.
never coslept and not an option - I would have particularly on bad nights but DH very anxious and adamant it was always too dangerous.

So cry it out is actually banned in Scandinavian countries and classed as child abuse. Please tell your DH this because tending to a baby whose only communication can be crying is a non negotiable. He may have needed a drink, a cuddle, just to know he’s not been abandoned (as that can be what it feels like for them he doesn’t understand you’re only in the other room). Or maybe he just needed a bit of reassurance, 16 months is young.

as humans we sleep with those we love, it keeps us calm and content and regulates yourself.

we cosleep, she has always slept so so much better with us. They say The biggest danger is up to 6months. Obviously if it’s not something you’d try then it off the table, unless you have another bed you can try you and babe in.

Trust your instincts, he is a baby looking for reassurance and comfort. Leaving him to cry offers neither.

Personally, I'd cosleep so that everyone gets more sleep.

Go with your gut

We have 4 children and I never did cry it out because I don't agree with it, I think you are getting close to the stage where things will get easier. Unfortunately like you mine would be upset if Dad tried to settle them so it wasn't really something we could share the load with, but he did try and do other things to make my life easier in other ways.

But that's not cry it out just randomly deciding to go in one night?
that's zero to 100!

there's way gentler methods than this. Look at them properly and discuss your options and plan together.

If it’s not often then it’s him having a bad night and really needing his parents, Id talk to dh in the light of day and say he was having a bad night thats when he needs us- not the same as him trying it on which he’s still too young to be doing anyway. I’d say see how it goes and definitely try not to cosleep if both of you aren’t fans, the only people I know it works for had decided it and both decided how it would work, I’ve friends who cosleep just for peace and are miserable and exhausted

Cry it out is horrible and unnecessary. There are other ways to help your child to learn to sleep better. When my children were little, Elizabeth Pantley's gentle sleep training method was popular. There is an entire sleep topic on Mumsnet - having a read through previous threads will give you some ideas on how to improve everything.

It's abusive and awful for the child and neighbours who have to put up with the screaming. My friend called out the police to do a welfare check on her neighbour's baby. She heard horrific, prolonged screaming & it transpired that the neighbours left their 4 month old baby to cry herself to sleep.

A few stern words from the police no doubt frightened the parents who stopped the cry it out method soon afterwards. With the rise of child abuse and horrific murders of kids by their care givers, it's hard to differentiate between abuse & cry it out. So if in doubt report distressed screaming to the appropriate authorities.

No one is unreasonable, you're just both exhausted!

You need to agree on a plan, together. It's not at 3am with a crying baby that anyone is going to make any rational decision...

"Crying it out" is an outdated method of sleep training, you have plenty of other options. You can also get a sleep coach (maybe someone from NCT can help with recommendations?).

Just do some research, both of you, and work something out together. When rested!

Don’t do it if you don’t want to. It is so controversial. I did it many years ago when on my own with a newborn and on the verge of losing my mind. It was the safest option for both me and the baby because I wasn’t really coping. It was short-term and DC grew up to be healthy and happy. It was painful though and if you don’t feel it’s your only option, I really wouldn’t. I think it would be different if you were anti-cry it out but insisting your partner had to get up every time while you lazed around in bed, but that’s clearly not what’s happening. If you’re happy to get up, then you should.

Just cosleep! Your baby needs you and your husband isn’t your boss.

Your DH is a dick, he’s not in charge of you, he has no empathy for your child. You were wrong to listen to him and not go into your child who must have felt completely inexplicably abandoned. How awful.

I was where you were many years ago. I did the rapid return method. I am a single parent so none of those questions or complications. I resigned myself to v little sleep for however many nights it took. Positioned myself outside DSs room with my iPad, snacks and an iron will. The first night was awful and I must have gone in at regular intervals about 30 times, the second night marginally better and much better the third. The 4th night he only woke up once and that was it. He was never distressed as I didn’t leave him long enough to do so. I agree it’s often us mum’s that struggle with it more and it’s awful but I felt a million times better with a structured plan, the knowledge that he wouldn’t become distressed, acceptance that it would be x amount of days with v little sleep and the iPad as a distraction - I remember spending a lot of ASOS that week but I needed a distraction!

His sleep was great from that week forward. Honestly doing it on my own and having one brutal period of a week or so was so much better than what I had been dealing with for months before that. Good luck whatever you decide.

So cry it out is actually banned in Scandinavian countries and classed as child abuse.

This is utter rubbish

Co-slept here. Lone parent working full time so sleep was a priority. Before that she was waking and crying a lot. Your DH is being a dick.

There nothing dangerous about cosleeping with a toddler if that saves your sanity.
If you want to do something gentle about sleep then make a plan, middle of the night decisions to cry it out are bonkers.

It is not completely banned, however Denmark advises parents not to use CIO, and CIO is no longer promoted in official materials given to parents?

We were in a similar situation, also reached our breaking point around that age.

For us the problem was link to breastfeeding, I wasn’t quite clear from your post if you’re still breastfeeding at every wake or not? After multiple attempts to sort it on our own, we ended up doing very gentle sleep training (no cry it out!) with a sleep consultant and it was honestly life changing.

But the main thing I came on to say was I completely get your point about parents disagreeing about the level of crying. Like you, I feel I instinctively know what is a bit of whinging and what is going to escalate into full blown crying. We’ve had the same argument about me wanting to go in and DP saying I’ll make it worse. Over time we’ve got better at compromising eg agree to wait another 5 mins and reassess, but it’s still a tricky balance. Unfortunately I think when they’re little mums are just biologically wired to respond differently. It sets off a stress response in us in a different way to men.

Scandinavia is not one country and none of those countries have banned cry it out.

dont cos keep with a 16 month old if none of you are used to it. No one will sleep.

look up controlled crying as a gentler way to encourage baby to self settle.

I used a method where you stay in the room with child but do not pick them up. My child was 8 months at the time. It worked the first night! My child was tired too though, as they had no idea how to get themselves to sleep ( reflux baby, so had had to be held a lot at might die to that).

I know someone else who used this method with her baby before returning to work and it worked for them too. In fact, I learnt it from them.

I wouldn’t use cry it out in the night. Baby gets too wound up and you’re not sleeping. All of mine came into my bed in the night when they woke, it didn’t cause any problems with them sleeping in their own beds in the long run.
And remember that a child might wake in the night because they have become ill, you wouldn’t leave an ill baby crying.

I could never leave mine to cry. I always just brought them into our bed because it was a quick resolve for everyone.

I don’t know why people keep pedalling this nonsense about ‘Scandinavia’. It really undermines their argument. A quick google will tell you that’s not true. The NHS recommends that the safest place for a baby to sleep is alone in their cot, but many also don’t follow this advice.

I would bring him into your bed if need be, and husband can go in the spare room if you have one, or otherwise the sofa. Seeing as he can't be bothered to deal with his distressed child.

Cry it out, controlled crying etc are cruel, abusive methods that teach your child to give up and stop crying because they know no one's going to come and help them. I'm not surprised you don't want to do it - I have four kids, one was a particularly bad sleeper but I never resorted to that.

If your still breastfeeding could you try mix feeding
naturally he’s going to settle better for you if you breastfeed
I’d look at one of you sleeping in his room
whilst bringing him in your bed is an easy option you make a rod for your own back