Living apart, really struggling, AIBU to be so upset

[Bbpzbue9]

Will keep this brief. Struggling with anxiety and depression since giving birth to my son 2 years ago. Marriage sort of broke down but we agreed to continue the marriage living apart. Thankfully my finances have allowed for this. He has a teenage son from a previous marriage. I've had to move 2 hours away (where I own a mortgage free property). Initially he was coming every 2 weeks. Then it was every 4 weeks. It's now been 7 weeks and he hasn't visited. His son plays sports on weekends. He told me of his plans to visit this past weekend on Friday. He would literally stay for less than 24hrs. I suggested it made more sense to visit the following weekend because of the half-term but he said they had sporting engagements and that he'd rather see us even if it was for a few hours. So I assumed he was coming since that is what he said. I bought all the stuff he likes and waited for him all day. He messaged me at 10am but it was about something else. It got to 3pm and I hadn't heard from him again so messaged him. Then I called him. No answer. He finally responds with a text at 6pm telling me he isn't coming. He called me around 11pm explaining how he caught up with a friend and was busy all day. He apologies but only after telling me it was my fault since I told him not to come (which I didn't).

I've spent every day since then in tears. Struggling to get out of bed. Struggling to go to work and look after my child. He's telling me that I'm unreasonably unforgiving and that I'm blowing this out of proportion.

There's a bunch of other stuff.. he isn't helping out with essentials for our child. Child is suspected SEN and we have numerous hospital appointments which my husband is pretty oblivious about. I'm trying to talk to him about the difficulties I've had with our son and he'll be telling me he doesn't know what to make for dinner. He gets to go to the gym every evening. Doesn't have to pay for childcare. While I'm here struggling with everything alone. i'm really starting to resent him. Please talk sense into me.

Sorry OP but this doesn't sound like a marriage. I would either move back in together or start divorce proceedings

He hasn’t bothered seeing his child for 7 weeks? What an arse.
This isn’t a marriage. I’d start divorce proceedings.

He's left the marriage and parenthood, temporarily at least. He is keeping his options open, however. Which means you're in a horrible position of great uncertainty.

Put your foot down and force him into a decision. You can't keep going like this.
And see the doctor and make sure you're getting the right treatment for your depression. There are plenty of good meds out there.

Sending 💐

Nevermind the marriage.... he hasn't seen his child is 7 weeks? And won't be coming next week... sk he was planning on going 9 weeks without seeing his 2 year old? That kid won't even know him when he bothers to show up!

Also, even if you are seeing eachother once every 2 weeks, is that a marriage? What's in it for you? You're a single parent, financially independent and he comes to visit once a fortnight... he sounds like my bin man!

You can't continue this situation. You can't possibly continue a broken down marriage living apart.
Either move back in with him and try to save your marriage or separate once and for all.

Yeah fuck that! The only benefit I could see to this setup would be every other week off (i joke, of course) but you're not even getting that! Move back in, try and make it work or split properly and carve out your new life as a single mother not sat in limbo.

I suppose I had hoped the reality of us being away would spur him into showing me/us the attention and give us the support we needed. Unfortunately this hasn't happened.

Sorry OP but he is a useless husband and father 😔 what this separation has done is allow him to shirk his responsibilities to you and your son and enjoy the single life doing exactly what he wants when he wants! If I were you I'd file for divorce and put in a claim for child support. You can't force him to be an involved father but you can make clear that you're not prepared to put up with his neglect and selfishness.

Do you have support from family and friends? I hope you have someone to lean on. If you're feeling really low, please make an appointment to see your GP and talk through how you're feeling. I think taking decisive action and stopping this living in limbo will help you. You can and will have a happy life without him.

This isn't a marriage OP. He's not being either a husband to you or father to your son. How would things be different for you if the relationship was officially over? I suspect they wouldn't be much different except he wouldn't be messing you around and you'd get child support.

Do you know what it is that you want from this situation? What would you like the long term to look like?

He’s checked out already. You may as well start divorce proceedings and try to start moving on.

The impression I get from this is that he wants to separate but avoiding the cost of a divorce.

Id start the proceedings if I were you.

He’s a terrible husband and an even worse father. The fact Hes strung you along for so long is awful but the fact he’s not going to have seen his 2 year old for about 9 weeks is shameful. That’s be enough for me to say good riddance we’re better off without you. Maybe then at least he’ll be forced to provide time with your child/financial support and actually do part of his job as a father.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through 💕

Whose idea was it for you to live apart? What was the goal of this? How were things going to be improved by you moving 2 hours away with a very young child - when you are already suffering anxiety and depression? What was agreed in terms of contact and support?

in any case it doesn’t sound like it’s working.

Sorry but the part I missed is why aren’t you going to visit him? Since a lot of weekends he has to be local for his son why is this all his fault. You both need to make an effort.

With a handhold; if he wanted to see you and his child, he would.

The fact he isnt is telling you everything you need to know.

You cant change him, you cant make him visit you, or want to see you, or want to be with you, you can only react to his action and what it tells you.

Did you miss the bit where he was meant to come but instead caught up with a friend and sent a rext at 11pm?

Thats not anything to do with his teenage son.

Teenage son sporting activities cant always trump 2 year old. Especially when its 2 hours travel. 2 hours travel is a damn site easier to do as an adult without a toddler in tow.

Does he pay child maintenence? Sounds like he's got the best of all worlds.

I'd go for divorce and CMs. But he can't be forced to have regular contact sadly.

You're not unreasonable to feel hurt, confused and to be grieving for a relationship you thought you were going to have. But if it is impacting your ability to be present for your child, then you need to get some help. Speak to your GP. Look for parenting support like Home Start.

Then create big old boundaries and stick to them. No big deep and meaningful conversations, no begging for scraps of attention or letting him know how upset you are at his absence. He is a grown man and he is choosing to forego a relationship with his child because it is too hard.

Speak to a solicitor. Set out a childcare agreement. Offer him set dates and times on a weekly or monthly basis. Tell him the child will be made available to him. No contact will take place on your home but you will facilitate the handover of your child. For the moment stop all further contact with him except in an emergency. For your own sanity and therefore the well-being of your child, you need to let this one go.

I think the trash took itself out. Make it permanent.

Three things are obvious to ask about.

Why did you agree to living so far away? Could you not have rented out your home and used the rent money to pay for accommodation much closer?

Why don't you travel to see DH every second week if his son has sporting committments?

Why would you agree to staying in any relationship in which you are miserable? Try to make it genuinely happy for yourselves. If you can't then commit to a life that you enjoy and seek legal divorce.

From now on put everything in writing. If contact agreed verbally, follow it up with confirmation in a text or email - i.e. As agreed this afternoon you will be collecting ds at 10am on Saturday 14th March & bringing him home by 7pm.

No ambiguity.

I'm sorry. He's enjoying single life with you & ds at the bottom of his priority list.
Get CMS applied for. At least make him pay for ds. Don't expect any effort from him. Take any promises with a pinch of salt. Expect nothing and then you can't be disappointed.

Obviously I think he is a awful husband and a bad father but I also have to ask:

It sounds like it was your idea to move 2 hours away, have you ever made the effort to visit him? Did you only move 2 hours away to “spur him to seeing you more?”

I can understand choosing to move out and live separately to see if that helps the marriage but I fail to see how you moving 2 hours away would be a good idea.

I don’t necessarily think he is all the blame here, but I do think it’s time to start a divorce

He's checked out of your marriage and parenting. Your marriage is over.

You need to see a lawyer if you own a house. He might be entitled to half in a divorce.

Not unreasonable at all-most people want to be in a good relationship with the fellow parent of their kid-your child is literally made from you and your partner, and we usually want to protect that relationship. Yes, some people are happy single, but a lot aren't. Some of the best parents openly admit they'd love to be in a relationship, but have been let down badly by their partner, despite doing their best and always putting family first. They shouldn't blame themselves.

Sounds like you need to draw a line in the sand. Realise that you’ve split up and that you’re no longer a couple.

Sort out the finances as and when you are up to it and get a divorce.

But more importantly regularise his contact with your joint child so that it’s not “as and when” but a definite schedule. For him to spend time with his child separately from you.

Your child is a baby so it would probably look like him taking the baby out for a few hours here and there to start with, unless baby is bf and can’t be without you at all. Then would work up to him having sometime with your child at his home when the baby is older.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this, I would really seek some help for your depression. Is there anyone you could talk to about this, have you seen the GP? Please don't minimise it as you need to keep yourself well and healthy to look after your child.

At this stage, it's fair to say that your husband is a shit father and a shit husband. I think I would look at accepting the fact that you will be raising your child as a single mum and put yourself in that mindset. What he has done is not right and it's not fair and he is being a dick telling you that you are unforgiving. Get your ducks in a row and divorce him. Get all the financial information you can in terms of his earnings so you can get child support and try to move on with your life. I can promise you it will better when you are not counting on this twat who will leave you disappointed and confused every time. You can do this.