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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Living apart, really struggling, AIBU to be so upset

30 replies

Bbpzbue9 · 10/02/2026 21:31

Will keep this brief. Struggling with anxiety and depression since giving birth to my son 2 years ago. Marriage sort of broke down but we agreed to continue the marriage living apart. Thankfully my finances have allowed for this. He has a teenage son from a previous marriage. I've had to move 2 hours away (where I own a mortgage free property). Initially he was coming every 2 weeks. Then it was every 4 weeks. It's now been 7 weeks and he hasn't visited. His son plays sports on weekends. He told me of his plans to visit this past weekend on Friday. He would literally stay for less than 24hrs. I suggested it made more sense to visit the following weekend because of the half-term but he said they had sporting engagements and that he'd rather see us even if it was for a few hours. So I assumed he was coming since that is what he said. I bought all the stuff he likes and waited for him all day. He messaged me at 10am but it was about something else. It got to 3pm and I hadn't heard from him again so messaged him. Then I called him. No answer. He finally responds with a text at 6pm telling me he isn't coming. He called me around 11pm explaining how he caught up with a friend and was busy all day. He apologies but only after telling me it was my fault since I told him not to come (which I didn't).

I've spent every day since then in tears. Struggling to get out of bed. Struggling to go to work and look after my child. He's telling me that I'm unreasonably unforgiving and that I'm blowing this out of proportion.

There's a bunch of other stuff.. he isn't helping out with essentials for our child. Child is suspected SEN and we have numerous hospital appointments which my husband is pretty oblivious about. I'm trying to talk to him about the difficulties I've had with our son and he'll be telling me he doesn't know what to make for dinner. He gets to go to the gym every evening. Doesn't have to pay for childcare. While I'm here struggling with everything alone. i'm really starting to resent him. Please talk sense into me.

OP posts:
Hiptothisjive · 11/02/2026 14:35

toomuchfaff · 11/02/2026 13:19

Did you miss the bit where he was meant to come but instead caught up with a friend and sent a rext at 11pm?

Thats not anything to do with his teenage son.

Teenage son sporting activities cant always trump 2 year old. Especially when its 2 hours travel. 2 hours travel is a damn site easier to do as an adult without a toddler in tow.

Whoa take a breath. Yes I read that part thank you as I can read. I meant overall in the past seven weeks not just the last instance.

Toddlers can travel a couple of hours and there needs to be a balance between both children.

birlywoos · 11/02/2026 14:38

Fuck this op he’s having his cake and eating it.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/02/2026 14:53

Op, I'm sorry. He's a shit partner and a shit dad who always wanted things this way.

Request formal child support and co-parenting arrangement tomorrow. You can't trust him and you can't rely on him. He'll never be who you need him to be.

You're grieving and that's normal. I promise you your life will get better without this absolutely loser in it.

Newyearawaits · 11/02/2026 15:10

OP, this is crucifying you in every way.
He's treating you like a puppet on a string. Emotionally and physically torturous.
You are strong and amazing.
This cannot continue. He either commits to you and your child or he doesn't, that means living with you and caring and sharing.
Anything less than that means divorce.
Sending you strength OP

Bbpzbue9 · 12/02/2026 20:03

Candlestickinthediningroom · 11/02/2026 13:24

You're not unreasonable to feel hurt, confused and to be grieving for a relationship you thought you were going to have. But if it is impacting your ability to be present for your child, then you need to get some help. Speak to your GP. Look for parenting support like Home Start.

Then create big old boundaries and stick to them. No big deep and meaningful conversations, no begging for scraps of attention or letting him know how upset you are at his absence. He is a grown man and he is choosing to forego a relationship with his child because it is too hard.

Speak to a solicitor. Set out a childcare agreement. Offer him set dates and times on a weekly or monthly basis. Tell him the child will be made available to him. No contact will take place on your home but you will facilitate the handover of your child. For the moment stop all further contact with him except in an emergency. For your own sanity and therefore the well-being of your child, you need to let this one go.

Can this person PM me please. I've tried to message you but can't see to.

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