Should DP's mum & siblings be as important as us?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have a fiance who I am marrying in July. He is constantly fighting and arguing with his mum, and the latest fight lasted 6 months in which they weren't speaking.

DP has been accused of many things in these 6 months and made out to be a liar, and some nasty things said to him. He tells me he thinks his mum is a narcissist and he wants to distance himself from her (which is easy enough as they live a 2 hr drive away)

DP had said to his mum that he is putting his soon to be wife and step child first, as this is his immediate family and priority moving forward. E.g. if I am unwell, or my child is having bad meltdowns (he has ASD) then a trip to theirs will not necessarily be a priority and his priority is our household.

His mum seems to think that his mother, his siblings should be on an equal foot.

AIBU to think this is not right?

I certainly wouldnt hold my mum, siblings etc on the same level priority as my spouse and child, but maybe I am in the minority?

My DP is on the same page as me btw, and has told his mum as such.

She is wrong and any decent parent would tell their child that their own family must always come first.

You and your children are his future family, and will absorb most of his energies for the next 20 years. Mums are important but he needs to build a family unit of his own, and she needs to take a back seat. (I say that as mum to a ds).

I bet your soon to be MIL wouldn't expect to play second fiddle to her MIL.

I don't disagree with you, but think you are setting yourself and your DC up to be the fall guys here from his mum's perspective.

Should he be prioritising his relationship with and the needs of a narcissist mother who lies and blocks him.over his own needs and wellbeing and to his detriment? Of course not. But she may spin this as you and your DC preventing him from responding to her every whim.

Should he suddenly ditch his parents and siblings (his blood family) when he marries you? Of course not. But I wouldn't put myself forward as being the one to make him choose. Let his mum do that if that's what she's like, while encouraging him to maintain his healthy boundaries.

Well, did it really need said? It's bound to cause upset stating it like that, better to have just got on with living his life, and prioritising you in practice?

As a Mum to adult DC I would always expect and encourage my adult DC to put a husband or wife before me. My DS is in a long term relationship of over 3 years but don't live together and when he was asking me advice about mortgages/finances recently I pointed out to him he should be putting his death in service to go to his long term partner after over 3 years together not me. I know he loves her dearly and would want to take care of her if he died. I told him if he had died whilst it was still iny name I'd have paid for his funeral then split the rest between his gf and brother anyway even if it was in my name. I also advised him to name his brother who he is close to as beneficiary of insurance on his house in event of his death. I know his brother, who is not currently in a relationship named him because again I had to tell his brother not to put me. I am close with my adult 2 ds's but would not want them putting their relationships in jeopardy for me. The same with practice situations I would only expect my own DH to put me first.

When I got married my mum and siblings were still important. When I had DC they came first when they were younger, now they are adults then not necessarily. As my mum got older, her needs sometimes came before my DC and DH. Now my mother is no longer with us, sometimes I prioritise my DC, sometimes my DH, sometimes my siblings and sometimes my FIL - it depends whose needs are higher and also I enjoy the company of all of them. It should not have to be a competition.

Just to note, I have not encouraged DP either way to speak to his mum or not, I have stayed absent in their arguments as it is their business to deal with, and I don't want to say anything, as we all know most are more likely to forgive and forget for their own family, but the spouses will forever be held in contempt.

In fact, I have stayed in some contact with his mum over the last 6 months, including inviting her and DPs sisters to my hen party, but they all declined for various reasons (which are all valid).

I just dont know how much longer after we are married that I can keep my mouth shut for. DP has a phone call today from his mum, in the middle of the work day (we both WFH) and it lasted over an hour.. Of constant arguing over him putting me and DSC above his other family (when this hasn't been the case, in my eyes, he just hasn't bothered with them as they constantly fight, not because of goings on in our household)

I think he said it in response to what his mum had said.

100%, I have stayed out of their arguments, and have left the choice to him on whether he wants to resolve things with his mum etc.

They hadn't spoke for 6 months because he said he didnt want to, so I had to respect that.

MIL has always been nice to me, but from texts etc DP has shared with me, I think it may just be a facade.

This.
Why the big performance? Most people wouldn’t have imagined that needed saying out loud!

I think its because both DP and his mum are voicing things that dont really need to be said.

I think it’s completely normal that adults prioritise their spouses (to an extent). But it’s really weird to create a hierarchy and then tell people what number they are in the list! Not least because it’s situation specific. Eg, mum in hospital vs wife hair appointment then obviously the mum is likely to take priority.

Well, yes, obviously in dire circumstances that would be the case, but I think they are just talking about in general day to day life.

Even when I was unwell after a procedure and subsequent infection and in pain, I told DP to still go to his mums for a planned visit because I know maintaining all that is important for their relationship. (This was an all day visit from 10am to 10pm) and DP had wanted to stay home with me until I persuaded him otherwise.

Why did he have to stay for the entire time, you both sound so rigidly all or nothing. It must make things difficult in other areas of your lives too, never being able to make adjustments or think outside of the box?

It doesn't matter what she thinks does it? It's what he thinks that matters. It sounds like he has a toxic relationship with his family and is better off taking a step back.

It was a planned visit - his mums is a 4 hour round trip, there was a booked dinner and event, so it was the entire day.

It isnt worthwhile going a 4 hour round trip if it isnt for a full day and just to "pop in".

DP has said after the wedding, any more nonsense and he wants to go no contact.

Thats all his decision and reasoning, not mine.

I have a good relationship with my parents and family so I cant really relate to how he is feeling.

Life is not linear. Priorities can and do shift over time.
For example, if one of my parents was diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, supporting them would be my number one priority. Dp and dc would take a bit of a 'back seat' for a while and that's absolutely fine.
I don't know what the obsession is with putting the people we love in order of importance, generally speaking.
As an aside though, it sounds like your fiance and his mum don't even like each other.

I dont think they do like each other.

Some of the nasty things she has said and his threats to go no contact tell me it must be extreme enough to go to those lengths. As I wouldnt threaten to cut off my parents unless I was at the end of my tether.

I am conscious there are three sides tp every story - both sides and the truth, so I stay put in the middle for now, and dont get involved.

My mil comes out with shit like this, expects my husband and his brother to not take their wives sides in arguments with their sister

Luckily, I haven't had a fight yet with MIL for DP to "take sides on" but I think that it came down to it, and he did take my side, it wouldnt go down too well for her (as long as I wasnt being irrational, then DP would be honest).

The only (sort of) conflict involving me was when she said to DP that she thought she would be invited to my wedding dress shopping. In reality, it was only my maid of honour and my own mum invited as it was capped at 2 people for appointments, and because it was who I felt most comfortable with for the occasion. The appointment lasted 1 hour, I got my dress and we all went home. Even if I did happen to want her there, its a 4/5 hour journey to the bridal place and she doesnt drive - it wouldn't have made any sense for a 1 hour appointment. I have told DP that she has two daughters of her own, unmarried, and she will get to hopefully experience that in the future and that her focus should be on supporting the groom. She subsequently was given an invite to suit shopping as an olive branch.

I think there's times in life when circumstances mean that different people are your priority. But on the whole your spouse and children should be the most important people in your life. If your spouse isn't that important to you then why be with them?

Yep, thats what I mean, on the whole, not based on exceptional circumstances.

DPs mum made a comparison to him and his cousins, who are apparently helping out a lot and spending lots of time with their mum, but she has terminal cancer, so its expected - its not the same situation

You are very smart to stay well away from his relationship with his mother. He should be in counseling to learn better words and how to assert boundaries. He needs better tools and less animosity so he can be a better person for himself, for you, and for his SC. A one hour argument is flat-out dumb. Get him into counseling.

Continue to stay out of it.
Keep your distance.
Support him stepping away if that is what he wants.

Truthfully, I would be rethinking marrying into such a family, it sounds awful.

So the less you see of them, the better.
They sound like they like drama, some people do.

Support him not wanting that in his life going forward, especially if you decide to have a family.