Should DP's mum & siblings be as important as us?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have a fiance who I am marrying in July. He is constantly fighting and arguing with his mum, and the latest fight lasted 6 months in which they weren't speaking.

DP has been accused of many things in these 6 months and made out to be a liar, and some nasty things said to him. He tells me he thinks his mum is a narcissist and he wants to distance himself from her (which is easy enough as they live a 2 hr drive away)

DP had said to his mum that he is putting his soon to be wife and step child first, as this is his immediate family and priority moving forward. E.g. if I am unwell, or my child is having bad meltdowns (he has ASD) then a trip to theirs will not necessarily be a priority and his priority is our household.

His mum seems to think that his mother, his siblings should be on an equal foot.

AIBU to think this is not right?

I certainly wouldnt hold my mum, siblings etc on the same level priority as my spouse and child, but maybe I am in the minority?

My DP is on the same page as me btw, and has told his mum as such.

Genesis 2:24
”A man shall leave his family and cleave himself to his wife”
Written a few thousand years ago - an accepted and expected norm that the new family is the most important.

I don’t think I’d be marrying someone who spent this much time having fallings out or silent feuds with anyone, especially an immediate family member he seems to be unable or unwilling to permanently step back from.

I can’t even imagine what circumstance would warrant this grand declaration. Why tell
your Dm that your step child is going to take priority? Why not just take things as they come? You could end up divorced and the child would remember he’s not their biological father.
Isn’t there a balance?

From your updates, his response to his mum saying he should help her more is to throw a strip and declare that she’s moving even further down his priority list? He sounds really mature, a real prize. He could’ve just said he’s doing his best.

This.

I get the feeling it needed to be said because of the issues that they are having but I might be wrong. Ppl dont just blurt out "my child and wife come first" lol. Im assuming some sort of convo was being had.

So why didn’t he share the full context of the conversation with you?
You seem to only know the parts where he swears undying devotion to you, not why he even considered making such pronouncements to his mother in the first place.

He didnt share it with me because i dont know him lol. Im not the op. X

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to this. Relationship hierarchies are individual choices.

I don’t think in terms of “who is more important” but “what need is more important”.

And that will determine which person I prioritise in that moment.

You’re not 🤦‍♀️
Sorry 😂

@Howwilliknow122

Its ok lol but I do see your point and thats me put in my place for today ! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 xx

It has nothing to do with one person being a higher priority than the other. It’s about setting healthy boundaries. I could not be asked with someone who didn’t speak to me for 6 months.

My mum had a habit of disappearing for months at a time if I ever tried to talk to her about anything that made her uncomfortable. If she didn’t like what I was saying, I’d not hear a peep from her for 3-4 months and then she’d pop up again with lots of I LOVE YOU!!’s and sending gifts and grandmother memes on social media. 🙄 Any hard conversations and she’d do another runner for a few more months.

We are NC now. She still does occasionally send me an email 🤷🏻‍♀️ but haven’t laid eyes on her in 6 years and have no intention to ever speak to her again.

It’s not because Dh is more important to me than she is though. It’s because I am more important to me than she is and I don’t deserve that sort of drama.

As a mum I just don’t understand parents like that.

My sons wife and child/stepchild will always be priority over me

Spouses are next of kin.

Of course a spouse/partner and children should take priority over more distant family members. Remember the bit in the marriage service about "forsaking all others"? That includes one's mother!

I don't really get that. My Mum and brother are just as important to me as DP and my daughter are, because they're all people I love.

Are they different priorities? Yes of course. DD has required more of my time because she was a child, and needed looking after, and attention. DD is now 18 and needs far less help, whereas DP is suffering from crippling migraines, so she needs more help right now.

When my Mum was dying, she got the bulk of my time, because she needed it, as did my brother when his daughter was desperately ill.

At no point were any of them more important than the other, just more or less able to look after themselves.

My Dad on the other hand is a knobhead, who I'm going to be utterly disinclined to help or spend my time with as he gets older.

I would actually be questioning marrying in to such a dramatic family including your own partner who makes threats to cut her off. Its hardly helped the situation has it.

What was the original argument about that caused a 6 month rift?

I don’t necessarily agree with the cutting off family of origin when a partner and children are around, but his family sound like pricks so for your situation I am in full favour

I always think this because apples don’t fall far from trees. Mostly …..

Of course it’s natural to prioritise your partner and children, nothing wrong there.

But I would have concerns about the sort of childish approach of arguing about something over six months, going “no contact” (modern day favourite phrase), accusing someone of being a narcissist (other modern day favourite), going for an all or nothing approach to relationships - I’m prioritising my partner/child so I won’t see you - surely I need to prioritise partner/child at the moment but I’ll see you soon is better?

Someone who describes the rest of their family as being narcissistic, difficult, argumentative, is more than likely to be the same way themselves. So consider whether there is a right and wrong here or a grey area. Consider how he behaves towards his family and think about how he behaves towards you if you have a falling out, which you will do because it’s normal in any relationship to disagree at times.

OP- I'd suggest you have a look at the 'We Took You To Stately Homes' threads (not sure how to link a thread, sorry). It sounds like you may find people there that understand how your DP feels.

I experienced similar with my own family when I was planning my wedding. Looking back it was actually nothing to do with wedding plans and all part of a longer pattern of control that I'd not really properly recognised at that point.

It's very easy for people with good, respectful, relationships with their parents and siblings to say that parents/siblings are of equal priority. I can see why- if everyone is reasonable there is no need to consider who is your 'priority'. Similarly with a normal family there's probably no reason to voice this. But with dysfunctional families things are more complicated.

If he is dealing with a narcissist, it's unsurprising she believes herself to be more important than she is. The whole point of raising children is they grow up and have their own families to prioritise.

It's a weird thing to say. Why has he said it? Surely it's on a case by case basis and blanket statements aren't needed. My DC and DH are my priority but if DC was having a meltdown and it was a special occasion or my mum/sibling really needed me, I'd leave DC with DH and go. If DC was having a meltdown and we were having a regular visit, I'd consider cancelling. If DC and DH were really poorly I'd cancel a normal visit.
If I got a random message like this from a family member my first thought would be the partners controlling and has put them up to it. I'm not saying this is the case here, but your DP's message will make it look like it's you that is the problem.

You and your children come first