It’s 1pm in the afternoon

[gooeyeye]

And dh is still in fucking bed. He works for himself so doesn’t desperately have to be at work, as in he won’t get in the shit, he feels ill. And that’s fair enough but I’ve been ill with this head cold the last 4 days and felt like utter shite, but I’ve carried on as you have to as a mom don’t you. But not men no, they just stay in bed and that’s it. Why do they get away with it ? Is there some unwritten rule ?

I have just sat on the sofa all day because I am a bit tired. Not even ill.

Why the fuck not.

Stop martyring yourself and expecting everyone else to do the same.

What would you like him to be doing?

If he is unwell he is unwell; his gender has nothing to do with it

His sex has everything to do with it - the entire point is that for OP, taking to her bed hasn’t been an option. For men, it almost always is.

YANBU. If you're both unwell the two of you should be taking turns to rest/pick up the slack, this doesn't sound fair on you. I don't personally think this is about gender or martyrdom as pps have suggested.

Well no. You don't "have to as a mom" You have to make sure the kids are fed and safe. That's it. Everything else can wait if you're sick. Stop being a martyr.

It shouldn’t be a male/female thing, and in my house certainly isn’t. If one of us is genuinely really unwell and needs to be in bed then that’s what happens, if we’re just a bit under the weather which with a toddler aka germ machine this time of year somebody always is, we both crack on.

Depends, do you have kids to look after?

It does actually. My husband always seems to be more ill than me even if we get the same things! It is very annoying!

Must be the opposite here! My husband is never ill! I spent the other day lounging about, even had an afternoon nap - I wasn’t even ill!!

Forgot to mention it’s me looking after our 3 children making sure they’re up, fed, dressed, off to school and nursery! If it wasn’t for me doing that, what would happen ? The point is I have no option nor choice to do that, men seem to think they do !

Do you have young children ?

Yes 3 of them

But the point is, why do I have to do that ? I’ve been ill myself, for 4 days but I’ve carried on with it, now dh doesn’t feel great and he just automatically stays in bed. I don’t think it’s fair

But the point is, you don't have to.

You have a conversation with him and point out you are also unwell so he still needs to do his share.

It won't change if you don't change it.

Believe me, if I didn’t get up when the alarm clock goes off absolutely nobody would, even a grown man

It isn't fair.

You have to do it because you've allowed this dynamic to develop within your relationship.

You control the terms of your relationship. Don't try and blame some mystical 'other'. We don't all live like this. It's your choice.

So fucking annoying. Dh reckons he’s got “flu”. He asked “why do you hate me being ill?” I said “it’s not the being ill, you can’t help that it’s the “oaaaar, oaaaar”. It’s the pissing pity party.

It's an option for her too. There are two adults in the household. One of them is a martyr who thinks they don't have a choice which enables the other to exercise their choice. It's really that simple.

I thought this thread was going to be complaining about people saying “1pm in the afternoon” as PM already means in the afternoon…

@LegoEmergency 🤣🤣🤣🤣

You've carried on with "it" which is your choice because "it" didn't all need doing. When you're sick you leave all of "it". That's the martyrdom.

All you had to do was the bare minimum to keep the kids alive and safe because that's your duty as mother. It's also your husband's duty as a father, so if you were sick in bed and couldn't get up, and he would still lie there and not get up either and leave the kids to fend for themselves, then he is a shit father.

When either of us are sick the house ends up a state and we get behind on the washing and everything else but who cares? Everyone is safe and fed, the rest can wait until we're better. Just carrying on with it all while moaning is pure martyrdom and completely unnecessary.

So what happens when they've gone to nursery and school?

There's this really weird train of thought that productivity and useful behaviour can only happen at certain times of day. I run my own business, and it fits with that and my hobbies best if I go to bed at 4am and get up at 12pm. So that's what I do. I get so many people calling me lazy - but I'm not getting any more sleep!

If DH is doing what he needed to do in a day, what's wrong with him still being in bed?

If he's not.. yeah that's another issue.

But the whole thing about judging people for when they get up is just weird.

There is nothing wrong with resting when you’re ill. It does sound a bit like your playing the martyr - did you ask him to help so you could rest? If they are at school and nursery then surely you had a few hours then?

I was off work ill last week a few days and for DS to school (single mum) then came home and did nothing. I needed to rest and as long as the urgent things got done the rest can wait.