To not want to be be involved in planning this!

[HomeAloneToo]

DH and DSS have been on a 3.5 trip overseas to have a holiday together and to see family who live abroad.
They are due home this weekend, DSS is getting picked up by his GF and going straight to her’s. They land early Sunday morning and we are all back at uni / work Monday. DH suggested we do something that day - because it’s been the longest we’ve been apart, we’ve both missed each other. I stupidly asked today what were the plans for Sunday, so I could maybe treat myself to something new etc
That lead to loads of questions, where do you want to go, what do you want to do, is there anywhere we haven’t been. I honestly couldn’t care if we go to the pub for a pint - I just want him to arrange it!
AIBU and needy, or should I just plan it so I get to do something I actually want to do!

Tell him you want to go to the pub and which one. Sorted. Move on with your day

Just say let's go to the pub if that's what you're happy with. You're over thinking it imo.
What's a 3.5 trip?

My DH does this. It seems like a good thing, except you have to do the work.
Tell him exactly what you'd like to do. Don't start planning shopping preparing stuff.
Relax and go with the flow.

What I’d like to do is have 0 input into any of the decision making processes.

Well you then risk doing something you don’t want to do. He’s not a mind reader. I’m also wondering when he’s going to be able to organise much if he’s not home til the weekend. Just tell him, or book the pub you want to go to.

If you couldn’t care less if it’s a drink at the pub, just tell him so. If you have specific ideas about what you’d like to do, tell him that and as him to book it.

I think you’ve turned it into a bit more of a mountain than it needed to be by talking about making plans and buying something new to wear - indicating you have fairly specific expectations. He probably just intended that he’d get back home and you’d agree between you where you fancied eating or drinking on the day.

I feel your pain. In the 20 years we've been together DH has never as much as ordered a takeaway, booked a holiday, booked a restaurant, booked a small break away. It's always up to me. He's a good man in every other respect, I'd just like for once to not have to think and have to be the one to plan things.

Why? I don’t really get why you’re against suggesting something? Is there history here that your partner never plans anything? I’m just not seeing the issue.

I don’t understand the problem? Are you annoyed at him and now you’re using this to create an argument?

I completely understand you! Some people won't understand because they live different lives. I literally cried the other day because I asked my husband to order a takeaway whilst I was putting the kids to bed. I said I don't care where you go or what you get, I just can't be dealing with cooking and I'm too tired to think anymore. I am pregnant, working full time, have teens and toddler, still run a house, and I have been extreme ill for about 3 weeks now. I came down 30 minutes later and he hadn't even ordered because he didn't know where to order from. I actually cried. The mental exhaustion of being the one to do absolutely everything for everyone is draining.

I would just tell your DH that he needs to organise something for the Sunday all by himself.

He has been away, it’s up to you to organise and make him feel loved and special and important to you when he returns

you sort it

For all pp who are so surprised this is an issue, I suspect it is the tip of the iceberg for OP in having to be the idea-suggester, planner, thinker and implementer of everything. I have been there too and it is exhausting and infuriating in equal measure.

Is the real answer because he will be away for Valentines day and you think he owes it to you to organise something for the two of you?

Either way, I think you're being a bit of a princess and it's going to end up biting you in the ass. If you really don't care where you go, then just tell him that and wear whatever you like.

But, if you actually do care more than you're letting on then you surely need to verbalise that with him, or you're going to be in a right arse and ruin the day.

This, it does seem you’re “setting him up to fail” why does the planning have to be done by him? Do you secretly have the hump he went on holiday and you didn’t so this is testing/punishment?

Well, maybe that's also what he wants? Why are you more important?

I wouldn't go that far, he's been on holiday not fighting in the trenches.

I think it’s a bit unfair to make the person who is on holiday responsible for organising. If you want to go to the pub, just go, or book online if required.

If I had been away and got home the morning of the day before work, I’d probably pick staying at home and resting/sorting myself out before work. Kudos to him to suggest going out and doing something. I think the least you could do is click a couple of button on a website!

While I do sort of agree, he's probably had to plan loads of stuff for weeks and travel back. If I was away under these circumstances and presumably busy, I'd expect DH to sort something out.

i dont know if Im reading too much into this, but why are you turning this into a contest? Its giving off the vibe of...ok youve been off spending time with your son and pleasing yourself, now I want you to make an effort to spoiling / spending time with me. Its very immature. Arent you happy hes back and to see him and spend time with him?? If so then stop playing games and devising tests, just go out and have a good time. I just dont get why youre annoyed and worked up.

Have you said that? He might be happy to organise it if you express that desire. YABU to assume he would know you would prefer a surprise

I have been in this position right here so I understand where OP is coming from. It gets old very quickly to be the main decision maker in everything and the main planner, etc.

I think however it’s a bit odd to make the person that’s not even here but in another country to make arrangements on this particular occasion. I would probably pick a different occasion to make my point. And OP, you need to tell him not us that you don’t want to make decisions.

Need more context OP…

Do you always decide everything? Are you irritated that you’ve had to do lots extra while he’s been away, or has him being away meant you don’t get to go on holiday?

On the face of it you seem unreasonable. If he’s away it makes more sense to me for you to figure out what to do that day (will he not be too tired?). But I can see that there may be more backstory which would change things.

Why? Just pick a place and it’s done! They are abroad, so maybe not so easy to book a place? I mean if this is because EVERY occasion falls to you to organise this is not the one time to push back. They are away, you are home. Just pick your favourite pub and tell them that’s what the plan is.

Huh, what's your problem? I think if one half of a couple had been away for 3.5 weeks overseas and was coming back early in the morning after an overnight flight, I wouldn't be expecting them to plan a day out! If anything, it would default to you to arrange a nice easy, relaxed day for you both.

But since he does seem to want to plan something and you don't, why cant you just give him a simple helpful answer? "just a pint/simple meal at X pub is fine with me".

Why?