Am I terrible person for leaving a marriage with a decent man?

[Parrotstwice]

I dont know what's going on with me...
I feel very ashamed because I think I've just given up. But theres so much there that could be salvaged. However I feel like I've come to the end of the line. I feel very selfish and ashamed.
I want to be desired. I want to spend time with someone who it feels like wants to be there. I want to be free. I ant to be in control of my own space.
Im aware im a big part of the problem in how im 38 ad maybe just having some kind of midlife crisis? I feel like those men who walk out of marriages because they think the grass is greener.

My husband is a good man. Hes a good father to our beautiful children.
I read such horror stories about men on here and I've had my own horrific experiences with men in the past. My husband although flawed like anyone is, is essentially a decent person.
Hes just very distant. I've known him since I was 21 and I've never seen him cry and rarely even seen him be earnest.
Hes 16 years older than me which I think has created some issues in that hes always been slightly jaded. Whereas id be approaching things with first time excitement, he'd be more on a down.
Things have steadily deteriorated over the last year. And I think its also due to me sort of growing up in a way.. although I feel like my dissatisfaction isn't mature. I feel like I should be able to accept the life I have and work to make the best of it for our children. I feel like that would be more adult. However i feel like I've grown in the sense I have a job I love, I have interests and dreams etc When we first got together I quickly fell pregnant and we moved for his job. I had no real career ambition so I did this willingly. I ended up being a SAHM for 9 years. I really lost myself. I was very depressed. I struggled with postnatal depression. He isn't a particularly high earner so I was essentially penniless for a lot of this time. We dont have joint finances although he does take care of all bills. For the first few years I literally had nothing but the child benefit to live on. Then when he got a promotion he would send me a couple of hundred a month. I didn't question this at the time. Its my own fault really. I slept walked into it because I think I was afraid of having agency. I was depressed and had low self esteem and felt like he was better being in charge of everything. He didn't maliciously do this I just put him in that position. I was afraid of myself. Lots of issues in my childhood of being told I was crazy and out of control etc.. lots of watching a very traditional set up in my parents marriage. My mother never worked and appeared quite emotionally unstable, bad decisions with money.. my dad took care of everything.
I think I've been afraid of myself.

The trouble is I feel like I put my whole being into my marriage and family but that hasnt been returned.
My husband seems perpetually dissatisfied with life. He did a masters and got promoted again. We have 3 children in total. We bought a house. With my savings (65k) as the deposit However he pays all the mortgage.
Over the years he's hurt me by constantly banging on about all he could have been and done.. I think he struggles with depression. Occasionally he will say that but then take it back if I urge him to go to the doctor or get counselling etc.
If we spend time together as a couple or as a family, its always arranged by me and he joins in with some level of reluctance. I know it was wrong of me to make this my whole world but it was my whole world and so the fact it was never fulfilling to him just ate away at me. I felt like I was always putting in the work. Initiating conversations. Trying to bond with him, understand him and please him. Trying to create lovely memories and experiences with the children. Trying to keep a beautiful home.
I've felt like he's never really been entirely emotionally present.
Its so sad because that was there from the start when I knew him as just a friend. It was even something I liked about him, a kind of mystery. He seemed very self possessed. But now its something that hurts me. I feel bad that I can't just accept who he is but honestly I feel very lonely. I do have lots of friends and interests and do a lot of things but I find this alienates me even more from him.
I have found that now I have a job and more agency abd spend more time with friends he is just oddly competitive. It pushes us further apart. The more I go out and do things with other people, the more he does. And the less we talk.
Present day I've almost come to prefer not being around him. There's a lot of resentment. I now really resent the amount of work I have to put in to spend any meaningful time with him abd how half hearted he seems about it.

I've tried talking to him about this over and over but its like he wont acknowledge it. He says he loves me (but this is generally the only times he says he loves me, when I ask him directly) He says he knows he's been distant and then he will improve for a few days but revert back.
Our sex life is pretty none existent. For the last few years we only have sex when I initiate it. And I just got too depressed doing that all the time so we haven't had sex for months now.
If we are alone together he just sits on his laptop or phone.

But like I said he's a wonderful dad. He kids love him. They'd be devastated if we broke up. We also live in a beautiful house in a lovely area that theres no way either of us would be able to afford alone.
I dont want to ruin my kids lives over just a bit of sadness.
I feel very confused and ashamed of myself for wanting more than this.

Any advice would be appreciated

If he doesn't think you being happy is a priority, then he isn't a good man.

There seems to be a lot going on here and you sound like you are blaming yourself for a lot of it - but please don't feel you have to. It is okay to want to be happy, and to remove yourself from situations that aren't making you happy. Yes it will be hard for your children, but maybe you could frame some of this as showing them that it's okay to do what you need to do to have a happy and fulfilling life. Would you tell them to stick at this kind of marriage in future if they confided in you they were unhappy?

So you got together when you were 21 and he was 37 and you had children almost right away. Your savings were used to put down the house deposit and then he kept you near penniless as a SAHM. And he whines about all he could have done if he hadn't married you (despite the fact he was 37 when you met). And he can't be bothered initiating sex with you. I can see a lot wrong with this whole set up. You were very young when you basically got locked into this set-up. Whose decision was it to have children so early in the relationship?

It was genuinely a contraception failure and he put no pressure on me to continue the pregnancy. In fact he said he'd support me whatever I decided to do. I even took the MAP which did not work.
I can't blame him for this. And I love my children I wouldn't take any of it back at all.
I just see now a lot of the issues it created which have perhaps been our downfall as a couple. Because it was not a conscious planned decision I was put in a very vulnerable position (I was on a zero hours contract and essentially just lost all work once they knew I was pregnant. I also had no proper maternity pay or anything like that)

And to be fair he never says 'if I hadn't married you' or implies it.. its more general than that. I think he has a lot of baggage from a long relationship he was in before he met me, and a lot of the not being where he wants to be in life stems from that. It still effects me though

He is not a nice person.

You are still only 38. Life is too short for this. You have a job now and that is something. Being happier spending time away from him is a bad sign. Start putting plans in place to get away. Can you imagine if you are still in the same place in ten years ?

I feel like maybe I want too much and im being unrealistic about life and long term relationships. My life isn't bad. I just feel lonely in my marriage. Yet some of the things I read on here really put it in to perspective. Maybe my life would be much worse if I left. Maybe id really regret it. Certainly financially it would be much harder. I'd have to move away from the area. The kids would be devastated both by the breakup and having to move..
But then can I put up with this life? Will I end up having an affair and really hurting everyone?

You could do with seeking out a therapist. For you. To help you clear your brain.

tbh many wives feel similarly and it is why divorce is high among the over 40s.

life is too short for this nonsense. You deserve to be happy.

Your kids deserve to see their mother happy. Your kids deserve not to be around this toxicity all the time.

go for it. Carefully. Sensibly. Sensitively.

@Parrotstwice I don’t think all relationships are perfect and it can be hard work at times however no sex and being happier apart from the person is a bad sign. Agree with pp regarding therapy. You could consider marriage counselling but therapy alone is a good place to start

It sounds like you both have issues. How was his life when you suffered from PND? Was he supportive and did he take over the work? If so then I think you need to consider that he is depressed now and it's your turn to support him. If not, then its a very different picture. No, you shouldn't have to live with a sexless marriage but also I don't agree with the line that if he doesn't have sex with you, you will have an affair. If a partner is struggling mentally sex is usually off the table for a while and I'm guessing it was the same when you had depression, so this needs to be explored a bit.

I think you absolutely need counselling of some sort and ideally you could both talk to someone separately and then together. You absolutely deserve to be happy, so does DH and children. If dh refuses to talk to anyone and won't acknowledge the issues then i think you need to tell him what way your mind is turning. Then maybe separation is the answer, but I don't think you are there yet.

The thing is I went to counselling, I accepted and engaged with help. I openly acknowledged and spoke about what was happening.
He mentioned once that he might be depressed in the context of me trying to discuss our relationship. Then the next day when I tried to bring it up again and suggest what he might do about it he took it back. And then said 'im not depressed im just creatively stifled' and then did not elaborate on what he was going to do about that.
And my PND was 12 years ago now.
He was certainly very good at the time in terms of taking over a lot of things.. but equally he had no paternity leave at the time so I was completely on my own initially which didn't help.

But then can I put up with this life? Will I end up having an affair and really hurting everyone?

Nobody is frog marching you into an affair. It's not about you, it's about the children. Suck it up. Life isn't rainbows and unicorns.

You're 38 and he's 54 - that age gap is stark. You have different libidoes. You're at different life stages.

I just think large age gaps always create challenging marriages and it's probably most challenging at certain age combinations. Probably at 25 and 41 it's not as bad, or at 55 and 71.

But right now you're not far past peak fertility and yummy-mumminess (can't think of the right phrase) whereas he's approaching grumpy old man rants at the world phase.

If I were you I'd leave him for someone your age. Otherwise you'll spend your 40s and 50s (which are meant to be vibrant and fun) as part of a grumpy old couple

Yeah because they are queuing up

MN hates an age gap but this is 3 kids later the time to leave for sparks and giggles was long gone

I didn't mean finding a stepdad for her kids. But I'm nearly 38 myself and the thought of relinquishing all hope of sex and remaining with a morose and sulky man, old enough to be one's father, for the rest of my life? It's unthinkable for me. You've only got one life. Why can't op have a lover? Her husband is not willing or able to be that lover.

By lover I don't mean affair-partner. I mean just someone to love and make love with.

It's just such a bleak prospect, op has over 40y left to live. But then I'd never have had kids with a much older man in the first place.

I left my seemingly perfectly nice husband last year - or actually, we separated. We just didn’t love each other as a couple should, and over time that had begun to tip over into dislike. So we hit the bullet before the atmosphere turned nasty to protect the kids.

Im sitting here in my own lovely home, that’s all mine, and there is no moaning complaining sighing grumpy man to contend with. It’s fucking bliss.

You can leave an unhappy relationship any time you like. Your kids won’t be grateful to he brought up in an unhappy tense home.

Yeah OP suck up the one life you get on this earth into decades of misery 🙄🙄🙄🙄

That's encouraging to hear thanks x

It's not either stay and be miserable or have an affair 🙄
and it's not her life at steak.
MN is obsessed with LTB, as if there is a queue of prince charmings just waiting to be stepdad and pay all your bills. 🙄
It's terrible advice, urging women to break families for spark and one life.
Grow up. What do you think having children, being a parent and committing to someone actually mean? It doesn't mean butterflies and sweet memories 24/7. So childish.

I want to share with you what a divorced friend said to me as I was preparing to leave my partner (and I was in one of those situations you allude to reading about on MN, and still I thought others had it worse than me and it wasn’t “enough” of a reason to blow up all of our lives) which is that people split up for all kinds of reasons, including just not wanting to be together anymore. There doesn’t have to be abuse, or abject misery, but ultimately if you are happier alone than with him, this tells you what you need to know. You might be able to ignore the feeling for a while, and those of us who have done it know it’s never easy to leave, but the likelihood is the feeling of unhappiness or dissatisfaction in your marriage will keep resurfacing until you give it your full attention.

I’m very struck by three things: 1 you are very self-critical 2 you were so short of money when you were a SAHM and 3 he doesn’t seem to like you having friends. Apologies if I’m barking up the wrong tree but it sounds like there is a possibility of domestic abuse. I know that migbt be shocking to read but as domestic abuse victim myself, this sounds familiar. I think this is more likely given the age difference.

My abuser was a highly educated man, 17 years older and was incredibly good at manipulating me. It was mainly coercive control. He didn’t ever hit me - I think because he would have known that I might call the police. He did throw something at me and several month later claimed it was an accident. (It wasn’t - when it was an accident he would say sorry like any normal person, when it was premeditated, he didn’t and ignored me when I said he’d hurt me).

Do you think you'd be happier alone than with him? That's what it boils down to.

I don't expect that 24/7 but I do expect an actual romantic relationship. I didn't sign up to be just a cog in a machine. That's not my nature and its no use pretending it is.
I think part of the problem is that I do get a lot of male attention. I dont want these men and im well aware they'd be just as bad in reality if not worse.. but it throws into stark relief the lack of interest from my husband.
My children's wellbeing is very important to me but then I look at my parents relationship.. together until my dad's death.. and it was a toxic nightmare of codependency and disrespect that although based on love initially ended up damaging me. I dont want to be like that

Its that the potential is there for it to be amazing.. thats the problem and why I dont just walk away. At the beginning I was so in love with him and felt that was returned. I still find him attractive. We have so much in common. We have 3 beautiful children together. It COULD be absolutely perfect...
But I feel like its been going downhill for years and the emotional effort is very one sided. I think he has a lot of issues with feeling vulnerable. His reaction to any type of issue is basically to withdraw.
I just dont know if I have it in me to keep trying.
Like other posters said I could be sitting in my own home without this eating away at me if I just left him.
But id also be leaving all that potential...

I think part of the problem is that I do get a lot of male attention.

From men in their 30s, or men in their 50s?

I do kind of see Mango Scrub's point which is that you've made your bed so you must lie in it - you married a much much older man and had 3 kids with him, you must have foreseen that he'd grow old much sooner than you?

However, just because you made that choice doesn't mean you should suffer forever.