Am I terrible person for leaving a marriage with a decent man?

[Parrotstwice]

I dont know what's going on with me...
I feel very ashamed because I think I've just given up. But theres so much there that could be salvaged. However I feel like I've come to the end of the line. I feel very selfish and ashamed.
I want to be desired. I want to spend time with someone who it feels like wants to be there. I want to be free. I ant to be in control of my own space.
Im aware im a big part of the problem in how im 38 ad maybe just having some kind of midlife crisis? I feel like those men who walk out of marriages because they think the grass is greener.

My husband is a good man. Hes a good father to our beautiful children.
I read such horror stories about men on here and I've had my own horrific experiences with men in the past. My husband although flawed like anyone is, is essentially a decent person.
Hes just very distant. I've known him since I was 21 and I've never seen him cry and rarely even seen him be earnest.
Hes 16 years older than me which I think has created some issues in that hes always been slightly jaded. Whereas id be approaching things with first time excitement, he'd be more on a down.
Things have steadily deteriorated over the last year. And I think its also due to me sort of growing up in a way.. although I feel like my dissatisfaction isn't mature. I feel like I should be able to accept the life I have and work to make the best of it for our children. I feel like that would be more adult. However i feel like I've grown in the sense I have a job I love, I have interests and dreams etc When we first got together I quickly fell pregnant and we moved for his job. I had no real career ambition so I did this willingly. I ended up being a SAHM for 9 years. I really lost myself. I was very depressed. I struggled with postnatal depression. He isn't a particularly high earner so I was essentially penniless for a lot of this time. We dont have joint finances although he does take care of all bills. For the first few years I literally had nothing but the child benefit to live on. Then when he got a promotion he would send me a couple of hundred a month. I didn't question this at the time. Its my own fault really. I slept walked into it because I think I was afraid of having agency. I was depressed and had low self esteem and felt like he was better being in charge of everything. He didn't maliciously do this I just put him in that position. I was afraid of myself. Lots of issues in my childhood of being told I was crazy and out of control etc.. lots of watching a very traditional set up in my parents marriage. My mother never worked and appeared quite emotionally unstable, bad decisions with money.. my dad took care of everything.
I think I've been afraid of myself.

The trouble is I feel like I put my whole being into my marriage and family but that hasnt been returned.
My husband seems perpetually dissatisfied with life. He did a masters and got promoted again. We have 3 children in total. We bought a house. With my savings (65k) as the deposit However he pays all the mortgage.
Over the years he's hurt me by constantly banging on about all he could have been and done.. I think he struggles with depression. Occasionally he will say that but then take it back if I urge him to go to the doctor or get counselling etc.
If we spend time together as a couple or as a family, its always arranged by me and he joins in with some level of reluctance. I know it was wrong of me to make this my whole world but it was my whole world and so the fact it was never fulfilling to him just ate away at me. I felt like I was always putting in the work. Initiating conversations. Trying to bond with him, understand him and please him. Trying to create lovely memories and experiences with the children. Trying to keep a beautiful home.
I've felt like he's never really been entirely emotionally present.
Its so sad because that was there from the start when I knew him as just a friend. It was even something I liked about him, a kind of mystery. He seemed very self possessed. But now its something that hurts me. I feel bad that I can't just accept who he is but honestly I feel very lonely. I do have lots of friends and interests and do a lot of things but I find this alienates me even more from him.
I have found that now I have a job and more agency abd spend more time with friends he is just oddly competitive. It pushes us further apart. The more I go out and do things with other people, the more he does. And the less we talk.
Present day I've almost come to prefer not being around him. There's a lot of resentment. I now really resent the amount of work I have to put in to spend any meaningful time with him abd how half hearted he seems about it.

I've tried talking to him about this over and over but its like he wont acknowledge it. He says he loves me (but this is generally the only times he says he loves me, when I ask him directly) He says he knows he's been distant and then he will improve for a few days but revert back.
Our sex life is pretty none existent. For the last few years we only have sex when I initiate it. And I just got too depressed doing that all the time so we haven't had sex for months now.
If we are alone together he just sits on his laptop or phone.

But like I said he's a wonderful dad. He kids love him. They'd be devastated if we broke up. We also live in a beautiful house in a lovely area that theres no way either of us would be able to afford alone.
I dont want to ruin my kids lives over just a bit of sadness.
I feel very confused and ashamed of myself for wanting more than this.

Any advice would be appreciated

None of my exes was single for long, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right decision to leave. They may even be brilliant partners for other women but they were great with me as well in the beginning so that proves nothing. Did it hurt when they found someone? Not a bit, I didn’t love them anymore.

You can leave an unhappy relationship any time you like. Your kids won’t be grateful to he brought up in an unhappy tense home.

This!

The other book found very useful is Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parsons.

As for the male attention at work - I would ignore. Single men have very little to lose and much to gain in affairs. It's the opposite for married women

There’s no shame in wanting to feel loved and happy. Good luck to you.

This does seem such a shame. You do on paper have “everything”.

you shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed about this for a start. You should be analysing the situation and your options

that said, I don’t think you are quite at the LTB stage yet. You have 3 dc including one tiny one, so there is a lot more years of involvement to come. You are nearly at the LTB stage though and he needs to realise that his behaviour is seriously damaging to the marriage and risking it.

I think I would try some more with the talks with him. Be very very blunt and specific. It seems he isn’t good at opening up so I’d ask short simple questions and get each one answered properly before moving on.

if he leaves/tries to avoid, tell him calmly that he is putting the final nails into the coffin of the marriage and the time to sort this is now.

Honestly @Parrotstwice he's not a decent man at all.

The more you say about him the more I think he’s maybe not actually that nice and you just have low self esteem.

The good news is, this is why the invented no fault divorce! My parents got divorced when I was young and it did suck, but because they were pretty amicable, they were really good co parents. If you think he would co parent with you effectively and would be reasonable I would divorce him. I also think you should get help from a therapist (preferably first if possible) so you can heal from your childhood and help with your self esteem.

It depends if you want the next 40 years of your life to be so unfulfilled?
He may not have said about how he could have it all, if he'd not married you, he certainly implied it and you perceived it as so.
You seem to have put all your savings into the house, all your time into bringing up his children, being supportive as he continued his education. All the time being starved of your husband's emotional input.
Good dads do not emotionally abuse their children's mother.

Accept 80/60/50% of the blame but not all of it. For goodness sake you're being ridiculous, stop beating yourself up. Leave if you must it could be his wake up call

Sounds like you're very, very invested in yourself

Do you think he would mind if you had an affair?

It's not just about the children though. The "suck it up attitude" lacks empathy.

A healthy marriage/relationship should be fulfilling, not to be tolerated for the sake of the kids.

I can't work out if this is the case or I just haven't been invested enough

Yes I think he'd feel humiliated
As would we all I imagine

He sounds as unhappy as you Would he agree to some couples counselling with Relate or similar. Could you show him your posts on here to explain how you are feeling?

Invest in yourself all you want OP, ignore people telling you to suck it up because you're unworthy of happiness. Life can be very happy if you have the courage.
Some people do love to judge and bring women down; some people are martyrs; some people are trying to inflict their own misery on to others. You do what's right for you and your kids.
And what relevance is it that "he wouldn't be single for long"? Good for him! He can make another woman thoroughly miserable then, can't he, or perhaps find someone as emotionally dead as himself. You may be single forever or you may not. You'll definitely not meet a good man while you're married, that's for sure.

Umm he is not a good man - he is distant, refuses to engage, blsmes you for his unhappiness, kept you with no money at all while you were a SAHM and by far the most important one - he seriously sexually assaulted you. What he did is called stealthing and is regarded as rape.

Let that sink in.

He has already left the relationship, but in such a way as to keep you dangling and suffering and serving his needs. It is incredibly cruel. He won't talk to you, he won't fix anything, essentially he is totally gone from any sort of connection and engagement with you but you are forced to put up with living in that wasteland, with no possibility of another relationship. He is stealing years and years of your life because he can't be bothered to do anything else and he doesn't care. That is not love of any sort.

One thing is for sure, things can't stay where they are. This is no way to live. Either things seriously change or you put the death blow on a relationship that is essentially already dead. In your shoes, I would go to him, say exactly what you have said here, about how you love him and want to be connected to him but he is totally disconnected and unless things change you're not putting up with it any more. If he then says he won't do anything about it, HE has ended things, not you.

Don't fall into the trap of believing that because you are walking away it is your fault that the relationship is over. It is not. Being in a relationship requires certain things, the most basic being actually relating to the other person. If one partner refuses to engage in the relationship, they have ended it, whether they walk away or not. Forcing the other person to be the 'bad guy' is cowardly and cruel.

Part of the issue is that I've suggested couples counselling multiple times and he wont take it seriously. He also wouldn't engage when I tried just doing some of the activities it said online that marriage counselling suggests

I genuinely do not think he did that on purpose but it does massively irritate me when he acts hard done by by how much worshiping a 3rd child has created s though he didn't have a massive part to play in this situation

Im afraid of doing this because I've done it before abd he does put some effort in for a few weeks but then it goes back to how it was. But during those weeks I always get re engaged by him and it hurts all over again.
At the moment im just completely avoiding him and only interacting on a needs lead basis.
I'd usually tell him every thought that goes through my head and be engaging in affection etc..
But I've withdrawn over the last month. He has pretended not to notice at all. I've not even been sleeping in the same bed and he hasnt passed comment.
I dont want to initiate the conversation because a massive part of the issue is that its always me who initiates the conversations.
I've just been focusing on my own life. Going to the gym, meeting friends, doing things with my children.
Part of me wants to continue doing this until I barely think of him.
The other part thinks 'why are you giving up on your marriage you should try and bond with him'
But its always me who does this and it just goes roubd and round.
I dont think hes really capable of being emotionally present like he was in the beginning. I think he just doesn't want our set up to change.

I know at some point I need to have The Conversation with him. But I want to be sure and also functioning without missing him

His behaviour tells you everything you need to know. He is not interested in fixing the relationship. He's ignoring the problems. It's over.

I think at this point the only conversation you need to have with him is about the arrangements for separation.

It is clear he is not going to change. You need to decide if you wish to stay on those terms, or if you would rather leave. Just don’t stay hoping he will change. That is not going to happen.

I'm sorry, I think your marriage IS over.. if he can change for a while & put effort in, but then stop bothering again, he's not trying to make you happy. If you can stop sleeping with him & he doesn't even comment, he's not trying to make you happy.
He comes across as self absorbed? Is he 'himself' when with the children? I mean, is it just you who he isn't trying with? He doesn't sound a stupid man, he must surely realise now that you're growing away from him? Is this what he wants? Is he too weak to make a decision himself to separate?

I dont know. Hes always been a very reserved person. At the begining of the relationship he was more open but I think that maybe his pulling away is in reaction to feeling I am growing apart from him. Sadly I think hes deeply avoidant and his response to fear of the relationship ending is just to completely disconnect. Which obviously makes it more likely the relationship will end.
But im so sick of constantly thinking about him and how to reach him and how to make it better.
Im bitter that he gets to withdraw to protect himself and im the one always reaching out. This time I haven't done that and we've barely spoken for months.
And I know he will make a narrative that im the bad guy if I actually end it. Because on the face of it hes done nothing 'wrong' He just isn't there emotionally. Which he pretends isn't a thing that even exists