AIBU to be hurt and offended by husband suggestion of changing will?

[honeylulu]

I wondered whether to put this in legal matters but it's really about how I feel and if I'm being unreasonable to think like this.

Background - married to husband for 25 years (together 30). We have two children together, one a young adult at uni and I've just started secondary. This is my first marriage, he had a short marriage/divorce before we met. Neither of us have any children other than the two from our marriage. When our first baby was born we made mirror wills leaving everything to each other or if predeceased by spouse then to the children of our marriage (worded like that as we knew we would likely have another). Those wills have been in place for over 20 years. If it's relevant I drafted the wills as they were quite simple (I'm a solicitor, not a probate one but know my way around the basics).

Our house is the biggest asset, owned as joint tenants and no mortgage. There is also an age gap - he is 65 and I am 51. I'm also the higher earner and a lot of the lifestyle extras we enjoy (holidays, home improvements) are possible due to my income. We've both had modest inheritances over the years and put them towards paying off mortgage so completely merged into family assets.

Recently my husband's younger brother died suddenly. Still early days but he has left H half his estate. Won't be a vast amount but maybe 150k or so. H dealing with probate solicitors and remarked last week that we ought to get our wills updated (I don't disagree with that as some of the details are now out of date). The shock bit was that he said he is thinking of changing things so that I am only left a life interest in his assets so that they remain untouched for our kids to inherit when I die. Obviously that only applies to cash assets and chattels though he seemed to think it also applied to "his share" of the house (I reminded him that as joint tenants we dont have shares).

I am sensitive to the fact that he is shocked and grieving so we haven't talked about it properly. I did express some surprise and ask for the reason and he said it would be to keep his money safe for the kids in case I got remarried or conned by someone or it all went on care home fees. I have said fairly lightheartedly that I was quite offended as I also have our kids' best interests at heart and there is no way I would remarry etc for those very reasons. Being a lawyer, I'm extremely practical and risk averse.

I did ask why this change now, as it would have made more sense to insist on such a provision when we made the first wills in my early 30s, when it would have been a more realistic possibility that if I was widowed young that i could have remarried/had more children with someone else. He didn't explain further but I think the change is the inheritance he will now receive. I also suspect (which is why I have not pressed it further) that it has been prompted by his grief and sense/fear of his own mortality.

Why is it bothering me so much? It's not the money itself, it's the feeling that he doesn't trust me to do the best for our children. And our marriage vows - all that I have I share with you. It also feels a bit of a slap in the face that all the time I've had more income/savings I've been happy to share the benefits with the whole family but now he's getting a chunk of money he wants to keep it safe from me.

I'm not even sure it would be the best thing because if (assuming i do survive him) if I wanted to give the kids a house deposit or wedding gift I can only do that from my own funds. I couldn't give them anything "from dad" because his money would be locked up until I died.

So, am I right to feel hurt?
Or is he just being practical and sensible (and I should cut him some slack while he's shocked and grieving) considering I won't be left "poor" anyway? To be fair he's also suggested I should do the same in my will which would leave him worse off if I die first.

Sorry it is long. I didn't want to leave out/drip feed anything. There is probably more detail if needed but those are the main points I think.

Thanks

there’s no way the surviving spouse would have taken it to court and there were some structural issues. It was very sad

whilst we don’t want to think our kids will be arseholes there is a chance they will be!!

I love this idea. I'm going to suggest we do the same when hubby gets home tonight.

If you want to ensure that your children inherit whatever happens and that your assets aren't swallowed up in care home fees for one of you, the right thing for you to do as a team is to agree that each of you will leave the other a life interest in their half of the home. Anything else risks your children being left with nothing.

He's older than you.

His younger brother has just died.

He's facing mortality at the sharp end at the moment, and wondering whether he will die early as well. I wonder what age his parents died at if one or both has died.

English literature is full of parents who are widowed early and remarry and children of the first marriage are disinherited. He doesn't want that.

I think you need to cut him some slack, and understand what's going on with him.

He wants your joint DC to inherit - what's wrong with that?

I'd say, maybe when he's feeling less raw about the death of his brother (I'd be grieving like I don't know what if one of my younger siblings died at 50 or so) maybe have a chat about it feeling like he doesn't trust you.

But I guess I'd be trying to make my peace with his good intentions.

DH grandmother left his mother's share of her inheritance in trust with DH and his sister as trustees so that she couldn't touch the capital but only the interest. She couldn't spend any of that without permission from the trustees her own children. In meant she had to come cap in hand for every purchase - it was awful & humiliating for everyone concerned

consider impact on DC of expecting them to yay or nay spending or house sales

Exactly this.

OP take it from a child who has been on the receiving end of the last bullet - it hurts.

As much as I love and trust my DH (as I’m sure my DM also loved and trusted my DF) I swore I would never EVER allow my DS to feel the way I did.

We have mirror wills exactly as your DH had suggested ie my share of our house goes to DS and DH has a lifetime interest and vice versa.

DS also gets 50% of my pension/death in service payment.

I have done this. Nothing against my partner at all but have seen a couple of situations where DC been left with nothing and I don't want that to happen. We have relatively separate finances though and I know he would be fine financially anyway. Can see why you feel a bit hurt but it does seem sensible to me

It needs to be a discussion.

I wouldn’t be happy if my DH ring fenced 50% but having specific amounts going to the kids would be ok. We currently have that happening as our kids are older. When they were really little I wouldn’t have wanted to put any restrictions on him at all financially

as OP is so much younger she may want to retire earlier to spend time with her DH as he retires - this may mean she will need some inheritance to keep herself in the manner to which they are accustomed!!

it doesn’t have to be all or nothing

You are only a team until one of your dies. Then everything will go to your spouse who can do anything they like with your estate - it maybe in accordance with your wishes but after 5, 10, 15 years things change, people change.

This would make me reassess my relationship.

I have a very similar age gap to you. Hopefully I will outlive my DH by 15+ years.

If his priority, when we reach a similar age to you, isn’t planning for me to live my solo years happily and financially secure, then he will be facing his retirement alone.

The difficultly would arise if she wanted to move after her husband’s death. Or if she wanted to remortgage to release funds. The point is, the money is not hers to spend. Which I realise is the objective of her husband here. But no one knows what’s around the corner. OP is likely to outlive her DH by many years, and there may come a time when she has a genuine need for that money. Some people are greedy but I personally would never want either of my parents to go without for the sake of my inheritance. It’s their money to spend.

There are unqualified people knocking on doors selling these and other trusts.

They may not ultimately achieve the outcome that is being sold. Take inheritance tax for example. Leaving property via a trust does not allow you to claim the additional nil rate band as assets need pass directly to a descendant.

There is a bit of a whats yours is mine and what's mine is mine vibe about this. At first thought it does make sense he wants this money to go to the children but he's benefitted from years of your money as you've put everything in the 'pot' and never bypassed him to put things in legacy for the children, imagine you had said let's contribute equally to the household and life expenses and I'll keep the rest to myself, he now has excess and isn't willing to use it to your benefit whatsoever, it's to bypass you entirely and go to the children. I would be saying let's start contributing equally to the house and you can stump up your own share of holidays and extras, the only reason he can preserve the lump sum and have the lifestyle he has/the house etc is because you've made up the shortfall

I think it would be wise to make your home tenants in common.
With regard to his current inheritance would he consider a three way split, your children each receive a third as long as it’s put towards a sensible choice like a house deposit and you both share a third doing something you’d both enjoy like a few fabulous holidays.
This is assuming of course that you both have a comfortable retirement ahead financially.

Why not put the whole amount into trust for your children? Although you think you would not re-marry if left widowed, you might, it's possible. As a solicitor you must know the consequences to your estate if you remarry? Seems a sensible suggestion to me that the inheritance is left to DC rather than to you.

@honeylulu my dh was in your position, feeling upset and as though I didn't trust him to do the best for our sons. Of course I do, but in life all possibilities are possible. We really do not know what personal and financial decisions we might make in future. You say you don't work in this area of law. If you did you might have seen too many clients who thought their will delivered their intentions, only for circumstances to have changed...

I suspect that it's not that your dh doesn't trust you, but rather life events have been unexpected and shocking and he no longer trusts that life will follow the pattern you expect...

dh and I had several tetchy discussions over a number of years.

Then a series of events. MIL became unwell in her early 60s. Before she died she told me she'd had a good life, no regrets, all she wanted was to leave 'her boys' well provided for. She'd been careful with money and saved for them throughout her life. However, her will left everything to FIL.

After a couple of years FIL married a long time family friend and neighbour - all good and everyone happy for them.

When FIL died everything automatically went to her. She was a bit clearer about inheritance and planning and was open about her will, leaving everything to dh and his brothers (she had no dc, and didn't choose to leave anything apart from small gifts to her neices and nephews).

Sadly, FILs second wife is now in a care home with dementia and all PILs money is being spent on her care. Human compassion cannot begrudge her this, but it is really not what MIL and FIL intended. They wanted their money to pass to their biological sons, and maybe onwards to grandchildren...

You'll not be surprised that my dh has changed his opinion regarding our wills and the ownership terms of our home.

He seems perfectly reasonable, he is considering his own mortality since his younger brother died and wanting to make sure his kids (your kids) get the benefit. I'm at a similar age to you OP and have friends who have lost spouses recently and gone on to remarry. He is grieving so may be less tactful, but he isn't doing anything inherently bad or showing lack of trust in you.

Yes, and I absolutely trust that my husband will make the right decisions about what happens to OUR money (because there is no mine and his!) should he outlive me, and expect that same from him.

Why spend your life building something together only to be told that it's not yours if you're widowed?

All the times over a marriage where one partner is out of work or changes career, fluctuations in salary, decisions to make sacrifices to invest in the future, decisions on what to spend on children, holidays, memories, taking on extra domestic chores and childcare to allow the other partner to flourish, only to spend your grieving period portioning out what is his and what is yours because after a lifetime of love, you can't be trusted to decide who should inherit the estate.

And there are certain situations in which not leaving any money to your children is absolutely the right and responsible decision.

Whilst it's very nice for children to get an inheritance, I doesn't come close to allowing a grieving widow/er to take control of the life they built with their spouse without strings attached. And why should the state pay for my care if I have the money to pay for it myself?

You do realise that the alternative to paying privately for care is to be left at the mercy of the NHS? Wouldn’t wish it on an enemy. Children aren’t owed an inheritance. The best we can do for our children is educate them and bring them up to stand on their own two feet. Anything beyond that is a bonus. No one wants to piss a potential inheritance up the wall, but if the money is needed for something important like end of life care, then so be it. Even if it’s just used for a bit of travelling and fun, that’s still fine. Why would you begrudge your parents a comfortable and enjoyable retirement?

he said it would be to keep his money safe for the kids in case I got remarried or conned by someone or it all went on care home fees. I have said fairly lightheartedly that I was quite offended as I also have our kids' best interests at heart and there is no way I would remarry etc for those very reasons. Being a lawyer, I'm extremely practical and risk averse.

Being a lawyer I am surprised you have taken this personally rather than in the spirit of most contracts: they are there for when things could go wrong, not when things are swimming along as planned.

IMO he is being sensible and as the higher earner, and knowing how often men DO re-marry quickly after the loss of a DW, and how lax they can be in those circumstances, I would do the same thing. And especially as you are the higher earner. I know there is an age gap but again Wills are about the unthinkable and you could have an accident or illness that took you any day and wills need to be for the next few years as much for our ancient old age.

His point about care home fees is valid, too.

Work out how you best protect your current lives, your shared future and your Dc's future together.

Maybe you are hurt because it tool you by surprise. You might feel less hurt if you catch him up in your planning by working together with him.

Maybe talk to specialist Wills solicitor together? So that you both have the same relationship with the advice, rather than him depending on you as his expert.

There would be no difficulty if she wanted to move or downsize after her husband's death. A life interest trust does not prevent her doing either of those things. Remortgaging would involve finding a lender willing to lend when there is a life interest trust in place, but it is not impossible.

i suggest you do mirror your wills again, leaving a specific amount to the kids the other one cannot touch. He maybe 15 years older than you but a higher risk of a love scam than yourself if something happens to you.

No difficulty? Give me a break. Her children would have to agree to the sale first (no guarantee of that) and would then be entitled to take their share of the proceeds, which may well limit the OP’s ability to buy another house with the remainder.

To echo some comments here, its more likely an emotional response. I wonder if he wants to separate the brothers money so something meaningful will remain of his Brother.