To feel really inferior?!

[Lilysmum26]

So, I met a new mum friend at playgroup a while back. We both have two dc and are on mat leave. We have been for walks, soft play, coffees etc but today was the first time I called over to her house and I just felt so inferior (and insecure I suppose).

up until now i associated those cream classy kitchens with quooker taps, gold handles etc with people on instagram…but I walked in and was blown away by her home. It was so tidy and clean.

it was so so perfect, even the bloody playroom was like something out of a magazine, everything was labelled 😭

I always knew she had nice things and was very organised. When at softplay she had a bag for everyone and inside each bag was cleverly organised pouches with everything in, it all looks so tidy and new, everything is so well kept. Turned out the baby bag was 3 years old as she used it for her eldest. It was still brand new looking!!

throughout the day I asked if she had a cleaner as her house was so clean, she said no she’s just a tidy organised person. Her mum doesn’t even live nearby so it’s not family help 😭 meanwhile here’s me drowning in a mess and everything looks like it’s been run over by a bus 10 times over! WTAF, I don’t even know where to start.

I know IABU? But has anyone else seen this in real life?

Are you happy with your life? Some people are better at keeping on top of the mess. I’m not. There’s always some mess or other because the kids make the mess faster than we can clean up.
I don’t compare because overall I have a great life.
A woman that lives next to my parents has the most sparkling looking house. But she’s got OCD and is ALWAYS cleaning. Not saying your friend has this, but there are so many possible explanations.

I’m happy enough I suppose but there’s a lot to work on at the same time so I can get overwhelmed.

I’m probably her to an extent. Doesn’t make me better or happier than anyone else - there’s no prizes for having labelled shelves in the playroom or organised pouches in your nappy bag. Honestly it was partly a symptom of boredom in my case - much happier now I don’t have time for some of it! And partly it was privilege a lot of people don’t have - time, resources, money to be buying pouches and all the stuff.

End of the day my kids were no more loved and no happier because of my bag being organised like something off instagram. You don’t need to feel inadequate!

Is she a nice person, do you enjoy her company? If so I'd try not to get jealous, be happy for her for the things she has, and think if there are some things you can learn from being around her and seeing how she does things (without copying her, obviously). Some people do just naturally seem to be more stylish and put-together etc, I know I will never really be like that, but if there are a few tips I can pick up here or there then great.

You're probably ignoring the aspects of yourself she might admire or feel inferior to, you take them for granted because they come naturally to you like being tidy and organised comes naturally to her.

Some people just are very organised!

My SIL was like this-I always put it down to me working and her not working, but I think she'd have been like it regardless!

Some people have really pristine homes and look very polished and well turned out.

I find it can seem a bit intimidating if I don't know them well in case they could be snobby and too Amandaland for us to have much in common.

But once I knew they were lovely I wouldn't be bothered. As long as they didn't expect my home to be as tidy as theirs!

My house is like that, but I have help. We often have friends over and a few have commented on it “oh, what must you think when you come to our house, it’s nothing like this?”. I hate that because I really don’t care? They are my friends, I don’t give a shit what their house looks like.

If you are happy with how you live then you definitely shouldn’t feel inferior. Some people are just naturally more organised than others. My home is probably like your friends but it’s just how I am and being organised brings me a sense of calm.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

She’s an organised person. It is probably 2nd nature to her. Ask her for tips if it’s what you aspire to.

Imagine how much time and effort she puts into everything being perfect. That’s time I could be playing with my kids, reading, pursuing my own hobbies, cooking nice food blah blah blah. My house isn’t perfect and never will be because I prioritise other things. When my kids were small we were far more likely to have spent the morning doing messy play than keeping the house looking perfect.

i have a friend who is really organised and house proud. She hasn’t even had kids because she finds the thought of everything being disrupted by them too much. She’s constantly cleaning. Even when people are there. That’s just not for me. We all make our choices.

No she is actually such a great mum, always playing and dancing and singing with them. There was a Playdoh and painting section in the playroom too…it was so cute. She’s very present.

I’m sure she plays with her kids but houses don’t clean themselves. She must be prioritising cleaning and tidying over something else. People just have different priorities.

What made me feel better about this sort of stuff was a social media post that showed a load of this stuff - labelled shelves, food decanted into clear containers, drawer dividers, everything spotless - with the caption "this is a hobby." Which it is! It's not necessary for a functional household, or even a smooth-running household. It's not what everyone should be doing.

Your friend enjoys this stuff and spends her free time and money on it. She's also probably skilled at it. That's great for her. But that level of organisation and design is a hobby. It's not something everyone needs to achieve or even aspire to.

Maybe she has secret cleaners and or housekeepers? And secret money for her fancy kitchen ..
my house is like yours I think (I’ve three small boys !)

She’s probably “extra “ tidied up for your visit but it seems she’s probably like that all the time if you say everything is beautifully set up, labelled etc

tbh I’m really really tidy and it’s just “my thing”. Sure my kids are adults now so it’s not currently comparable but I was always extra tidy when my kids were young. Sure I’d let them make a mess, enjoy the house etc but I did like things ordered and tidy. And I still do tbh, I feel I can’t breathe or relax comfortably if my house isn’t tidy or things aren’t put away or the washing is overflowing etc. I love all my things put away, accessible, tidy etc

i think really for want of a better phrase, you’re either a type A person or you’re a B person. I see it a lot on TikTok as an example. You’re either on top of everything from every email, to meal planning, to a complete clean of house before work, all cards and presents bought in advance , to the slow cooker on before work to all areas of your life sorted ….or alternatively, you’re not!!!

and tbh that’s ok. What’s the phrase? You can be envious of someone’s life but you don’t know what they’re doing to keep it? You may look at her house and think she’s perfect, but the reality is she might have a husband who’s away 90% of the time working in order for her to have a beautiful house. She might have a beautiful house but does she have x,y and z? A stupid example , you may look at me and think I have a beautiful house but there’s lots in my life “I can’t do”….joining a gym,losing weight, having a size 8 body, a degree … whatever, is all beyond me lol

This, absolutely.

I am super messy and disorganised. And I have a housekeeper. It would honestly never occur to me that anyone would feel inferior about that sort of thing, but I suppose it’s not the sort of thing I attach much value to.

There’s a mum at one of my play groups who somehow manages to be a surgeon, insanely beautiful and have two of the loveliest little boys. Now SHE makes me feel inferior (in a nice way, she’s just super fabulous and I’m in awe).

Funnily enough, she, like me, is pretty messy. 🤣

I get this! If I
didn't work full time crazy hours...

I’m probably a bit like your friend. I like a sense
of order and cleanliness as it makes me feel good.
I’m not smug about it and I have friends who are probably more like you and we are both happy doing our own thing.

I’m a mum to a toddler with a baby on the way. I’m such an unorganised person and whilst I absolutely am jealous at how tidy and organised some mums can be I just let it get over my head. It’s who I am! I try and be a bit more organised but I always fail haha

I can totally get where you’re coming from. I’m not naturally a very tidy person, I can be organised but not tidy. I’d love to be one of these people who can’t settle if the house hasn’t had an “Instagram style reset” every night, but sadly I can sleep like a baby knowing there’s toys scattered about downstairs. It’s just different personalities and people place different value on certain things.

In my experience, people with ‘perfect’ homes often have OCD or ridiculously high levels of perfection. That’s not me and personally I find my friends more interesting why they are more real or eclectic.

Maybe she's got OCD?

Some people need things to be well ordered and tidy to be able to relax at home and some don’t, that’s all there is to it. Neither is better or worse, it’s just what feels best for that person. If she’s lovely then that’s all that matters

does it make you feel better about yourself to be so unpleasant?

Ever occur to you that some of us are super organised and super tidy because we prioritise other things?

Takes no time to put things in the right place and then forget about it, as opposed to dump them somewhere, have to look at them, have to think about tidy up and then waste time actually tidying up.

I don't stress about lost things, I don't stress about morning routines with kids, house always visitor ready, no weekend (or week) day wasted doing chores to catch up. It's much more enjoyable to live in a peaceful and tidy house, spend as little time with house chores as you can. It's so much quicker and more efficient to keep a house clean than having to catch up and go on a cleaning day.

Who said you can't do messy play and keep a house perfect? You just tidy and clean immediately after you finish, how hard do you think that is?

Many of us mums with a full time job and kids function a lot better, are better mums and much happier because we live in a peaceful house. You are the one who judge, we don't, why is that?