AIBU to feel at the end of my tether but not feel ready to walk?

[AllMyFaultt]

My husband is a narcissist. I'm fairly certain. He expects everything to be his way even if it doesn't make sense logically, he is actually nasty, whereas in arguments I'm trying to sort things out he's clearly just trying to either get his own way or punish me because something didn't go his way, there is no reasoning with him and I often wish I hadn't engaged. If he does something wrong or if I'm not happy about it I'm not really allowed to say but when he's not happy he expects to have his say. He talks over me or walks out when I try to speak if he doesn't like what I say.

We have two young children and have been married over ten years. He's always been like this. It's not new.

The latest issue is that he clearly misunderstood my plans. I'd even go as far as to say "there was a misunderstanding between us" but he is still annoyed about it a week later and has been punishing me all week. Last I went out with friends. He knew I was going and it was written down. He sometimes goes out on a Saturday night but he knew I was going out so I thought he just wasn't going. He never said he was going or asked when I'd be back.

He's now very annoyed I wasn't back in time for him to go out. He hung up the phone on me on Saturday night when he called me then didn't speak to me when I got home. The next day he was being difficult about everything, explaining I'm selfish so he'll be selfish in future. He won't do anything to help me. I explained I had no idea he still planned to go out as he said he didn't mind me going to this evening out but he didn't listen.

What annoys me most is he's punished me all week because of it, giving me the silent treatment, or making passing aggressive comments about the the things he'll do differently now he's not thinking about me. I'm sure it will pass but only until the next thing.

This morning I just thought no I'm not doing this any more. I have no interest in being in a relationship where he clearly isn't trying to make things better just punish me when he's unhappy but then not sure why I'm reluctant to actually do anything. If I could just ask him to leave, I would, but I know he wouldn't go, so logistically it's difficult.

The thing with behaviour like this is I'm actually annoyed with him. I don't think I didn't anything wrong and I think his behaviour towards me has been awful but because I feel so rubbish I just want things back to normal.

Why aren't you ready to leave? Is this the environment you want your children growing up in?

Start prepping to leave. Money, documents, pay any bills off like car loans now etc. I know exactly how you feel. Took me another year from that point to leave and it is the best thing I have ever done for me and children.

@IsThisACrazyThoughtDec25 I have actually felt like this for years but then it feels like we have ups and downs so things don't feel so bad but they are bad again. He's not a nice man.

Make a plan to leave, and excute it. put money secretly aside, ignore him and the less you have to do with him the better.
Im doing the same just bidding my time, 17 months to go before me and the kids are out of here.

Don’t you think it will be better when he’s not in your life at all?

you can’t ask him to leave, start thinking about divorce.
what is the marital set up financially? What does 50% of the asset split look like? Can you buy him out?

it makes me smile a bit when people suggest “collecting documents” it’s so 1990s 😂 what documents do you need? You need a marriage cert to log the divorce, that’s it.

@WeepingAngelInTheTardis I'm sorry you're in this position. May I ask why 17 months? How do you manage in the meantime?

@Itsmetheflamingo Yes I think my life would be better and easier without him. I often have the feeling he makes things harder rather. I find things easier when he's not there.

I worry about coparenting with him and not having my children with me all the time. I think he'd want 50/50 care just so he doesn't have to pay me any child support.

As for money, we both have a similar amount of savings, but he keeps a spreadsheet. Every month he asks me what I have in all my accounts and he fills in his own info. I think it genuinely is for financial planning but I have no secrets.

I don't know if I'd be able to buy him out, probably not, but I also don't want to leave my house. I know that's not being abused over but that's also a consideration.

I also am aware how difficult he would be once I make it known I want to leave as we would have a period where we are trying to sell the house and also how he would be when coparenting. I don't even trust him to look after the kids properly sometimes.

I just hate that feeling of stress and anxiety all the time that comes from either not know what to expect or feeling shit because he's being a twat and wondering what he's going to shout about next.

Re documents, I mean things like ensure you have kids passports so he cant take them abroad, bank accounts in own name, change school contacts/doctor/dentist to your contact details, document any emotional abuse like emails, have at least some household bills in your name for credit rating....

None of this is necessary.

OP- have a go now at calculating what 50:50 looks like. How much mortgage can you raise? What would the house look like?

custody would start with 50:50. You need to assume that.

maybe start working on your mental health and thought patterns in preparation for the period of selling the house and looking towards co parenting. Can you afford a counsellor? They can be massively helpful with this. It’s about adjusting to your loss of control re the coparenting and dealing with the short term cohabitation in the most healthy way.

It’s called walking on eggshells and unless you pull the trigger on the divorce this will be your life. I left the narc ex 15 years ago, not a single regret.

With respect, I disagree. Having everything practical ready meant I could concentrate on counselling and deciding what to do, without feeling trapped or being scared I would be homeless or the children taken abroad without me.

If you husband actually is from say Poland or India or other potential to flee with the children (which is rare) I totally get it. Outside of that part of co parenting is accepting that a parent can take the children abroad if they want, and that it will indeed happen when you’re separated

OP, do you have access to the spreadsheet? I’d be tempted to open it up and delete the balances of your accounts., or over type them with fake amounts.

Can you delay the inevitable until the kids are at least 10? I’d be worried about co parenting with him.

Problem with this is he’ll be able to see on the history of who’s made alterations.

Why though? They’re joint assets, and need to be disclosed for the divorce. It’s all joint pot, OP can no more hide it than he can

Women should Always have an Escape Route in place for when Everything else is Not working......so Very Important

Women should always have an Escape Route planned for when things reach the end of the road and You need to get out

Thanks everyone for the replies

the spreadsheet is saved on his computer so I don't have access although he would send it to me.

he's just messaged me suggesting Sunday lunch out when he gets back and this afternoon I threatened divorce before he left

He know you won't follow through
And that is your choice because it is your life to live as you see fit

dont mention divorce again op, just try and grey rock, if you can bear it, make up a little bit if you can, believe me this is a mind game now and you need to stay in the zone while you get your ducks in a row

*to clarify, don't mention divorce to him again ...hope that makes sense, Not that you won't leave just don't let him into your mindset, he'll just use it against you

Yeah he def doesn’t believe you with the divorce. And why would he, most of us wouldn’t expect a “threat of divorce” to mean anything.

You won't get a man to change but threatening divorce.

Or any other means either.

He is who he is and it's controlling snd abusive.

Plan a way out and then get out.

I was at the end of my tether and being honest when I said I don't want to live in this situation and I don't want my son to either.