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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What would you do in this very tedious MIL situation?

50 replies

ghosty · 15/06/2008 12:06

DH's mother rang this evening and made it very clear that she was pissed off with what she called "lack of communication" on our part (in other words she was whingeing we don't phone her enough)
After the call finished (it lasted a total of 2 minutes and 20 seconds or thereabouts) I asked DH when was the last time he called her. He said it was 'a couple of weeks ago' which I reckon must be a month ago.
He then said he didn't have time and it wasn't his responsibility to be the one to do the phoning - he meant that she doesn't phone us much either but there was a veiled suggestion that I should pick up the phone too ...
My dilemma is this: I have my own family and I am in constant contact with them - they are in the UK, I am in Australia - via phone, email and MSN and also Facebook (with my brother. My family NEVER expect DH to call them. My family ALWAYS remember DH's birthday and send him presents and cards. My DH never picks up the phone to phone them. I ALWAYS remind DH about his mother's birthday, I am the one who buys her birthday and christmas presents every year. She has never ever ever EVER in 14 years remembered my birthday (which is in the same week as heres).
My question is: Am I responsible for this 'lack of communication'? Is it DH's responsibility?
Am I being unreasonable in saying that I have enough to do with keeping up with my (large) family that surely he can sort his own mother out?
Should I swallow it and phone her every sunday to keep her happy?

ghosty
xx

OP posts:
Flier · 15/06/2008 12:08

yanbu. its his mother. if you had any sort of a decent relationship with her, then you'd be in more contact with her. forget about it.

avenanap · 15/06/2008 12:09

A relationship with anyone is a two way thing, she has her part to play aswell. It's his mum so he should be phoning her aswell. Make arrangements for her to phone you one week and you to phone her the next. It should be hubby that phones her then hands the phone over to you.

Mollymom · 15/06/2008 12:10

His family his responsibility-well and his Mothers-she should do half of it.

Made this kind of thing clear to DP long ago-anything to do with his family (present buying/arranging visits etc) is his responsibility otherwise you end up doing all of it.

ChicaLovesBranstonPickle · 15/06/2008 12:11

YANBU. As you say, it's his mother, he should want to keep in contact. I phone MIL, but not 'to chat' but to make arrangements to see her, ask for cooking advice etc. DH calls her to see how she is etc.

mamiguay · 15/06/2008 12:11

IMO no, each person´s family is their own responsibility. With the exception of kids. I do and will remind dh about niece´s/nephew´s birthdays and inevitably be the one to buy presents etc but it is his job alone to call them, make plans for meeting up etc. Sooooo don´t want to get involved in someone else´s family politics, dh or no dh...

Mine is constantly in the bad books for just turning up to lunch unannounced when he feels like it or not turning up when he should. No amount of input from me changes anything and I could control the situation by calling on his behalf seeing as I at least always know his plans. But it´s not my place, it´s not my weird and wonderful family dynamic to mess with. I have one of my very own to grapple with

ghosty · 15/06/2008 12:13

"it´s not my weird and wonderful family dynamic to mess with. I have one of my very own to grapple with"
Yes Mammiguay ... that's how I see it. My family is barking already, he must deal with his mad mother

OP posts:
Starstarstar · 15/06/2008 12:15

Yanbu. Definitely not. I have similar kind of siutation (although not in another country). DH makes only minimal effort with his family and I don't see it as my responsibility.

However, I do sometimes feel that I should take responsibility for making sure the children have some contact and get them to write/e mail their grandparents. I do feel angry about it though - I think DH should be organising this but would not happen if left to him.

handlemecarefully · 15/06/2008 12:19

Yanbu!

barnstaple · 15/06/2008 12:25

YANBU. His family his responsibility; your family your responsibility. Suggest he phones yours regularly and you will phone his regularly.

Freckle · 15/06/2008 12:26

DH has stopped contacting his mother. I've no idea why but she seems to think it is my fault (from SIL). I have gone out of my way over the years to ensure that I contact her as much as my own mum and to include her in everything to do with the children. She prefers to talk about their cousin all the time though. If we mention that DS1, say, has achieved something, it instantly gets turned around to SIL's dd (A) and what she is doing. Well, I know what she is doing because she is in the same class as DS3.

I have stopped contacting MIL because I'm fed up with being the one to make all the effort with no reciprocal interest. However, now that DH has stopped contacting her (and he never called much to start with), I'm wondering whether I should make an effort again. The boys are aware that she shows little interest in them and that she does a lot with their cousin. She has a 2 bed house. She has never had any of the boys to stay with her, but, when decorating her second bedroom, she referred to in, in front of the boys, as "A's room".

My concern is that I would be mortified if any of my boys refused to contact me when they have a family of their own and, although she makes bugger all effort with us, she is DH's mum.

I make an effort to keep in contact with my family and indeed SIL. I'm not of the opinion that it is down to me to keep up the contact with MIL, but, if I don't, who will??

Freckle · 15/06/2008 12:27

Oh and what you should do is wait until dh is sitting down somewhere, call MIL and hand him the phone just as she picks it up.

ghosty · 15/06/2008 12:36

Yes Freckle ... I like that ... I will do that next time.
I know what you mean about 'A's room' ... DH's dad (divorced from MIL) has a room in his house called "Paris's room". Paris is his wife's granddaughter. So they have a room for her and nothing for his own grandchildren (he has 8, none of whom he sees from year to year)
Families huh? Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em ...

OP posts:
onlyjoking9329 · 15/06/2008 12:43

i am not sure i am the best person to offer MIL advice
it is your DHs mum so should be his responsibility, having said that i brought every card and pressie for steves mum for 17 years and look where it got me

daftpunk · 15/06/2008 12:46

i would ring her tbh. keeps the peace.

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 15/06/2008 12:48

YANBU

Chequers · 15/06/2008 12:50

Message withdrawn

SantaBarbara · 15/06/2008 12:55

YANBU. His family; his responsibility.

JudgeNutmeg · 15/06/2008 14:19

YANBU

Bucharest · 15/06/2008 14:23

YANBU- at all. I get this a bit when it's birthday time...."oh it's my sister-in-law's birthday, will you ring her?" Er, hello? It's your brother's wife, not my brother's wife...I always answer with "OK, I'll ring your mother, you ring mine." That tends to shut him up.

beaniesteve · 15/06/2008 14:24

It's his mother. If she's pissed off then she's pissed of with him and he needs to sort it out.

Heated · 15/06/2008 14:27

YANBU..especially since she's never as much as sent you a birthday card!

As dh acknowledged in his groom's speech I'm the only reason why his family get cards and presents on time .

However, I do not phone his wider family, that's his responsibility, nor does he phone mine. I occasionally phone the ILs so that the dcs can have a chat.

nametaken · 15/06/2008 15:13

YANBU - his family his responsiblity, your family your responsibility.

kitbit · 15/06/2008 15:55

Somehow it's always the most painful relatives that require the most maintenance.

And with MIL if you do it right he has a glowing case of anal sunshine. Get it wrong and you are evil bitch queen DIL from hell.

I have learned to put up with this, largely helped by dh's brother's wife who is in the same boat and we keep each other sane.

However it ISN'T fair, but she will continue to look to you to keep that communication going, whether it's your responsibility or not. (It isn't.)

No help, sorry! Lots of empathetic nodding though.

SummatAndNowt · 15/06/2008 16:07

His family, his responsibility!

After 10 years I've given up with my MiL who is mental, but seems nice and normal, and left it to dh, who of course barely contacts her. I know she is thinking I'm poisoning him against her, but I'm not. I'm just not dealing with someone like her anymore.

NotABanana · 15/06/2008 16:10

DIL's can never do anything right. It is their responsibility - from the MIL's POV - to do anything like phone calls, birthday cards, etc but usually the MIL is off with the DIL.

If you want to try and build a relationship, then call her, otheriwse tell her you are not responsible for mkaing sure her son phones her.