Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

What would you do in this very tedious MIL situation?

50 replies

ghosty · 15/06/2008 12:06

DH's mother rang this evening and made it very clear that she was pissed off with what she called "lack of communication" on our part (in other words she was whingeing we don't phone her enough)
After the call finished (it lasted a total of 2 minutes and 20 seconds or thereabouts) I asked DH when was the last time he called her. He said it was 'a couple of weeks ago' which I reckon must be a month ago.
He then said he didn't have time and it wasn't his responsibility to be the one to do the phoning - he meant that she doesn't phone us much either but there was a veiled suggestion that I should pick up the phone too ...
My dilemma is this: I have my own family and I am in constant contact with them - they are in the UK, I am in Australia - via phone, email and MSN and also Facebook (with my brother. My family NEVER expect DH to call them. My family ALWAYS remember DH's birthday and send him presents and cards. My DH never picks up the phone to phone them. I ALWAYS remind DH about his mother's birthday, I am the one who buys her birthday and christmas presents every year. She has never ever ever EVER in 14 years remembered my birthday (which is in the same week as heres).
My question is: Am I responsible for this 'lack of communication'? Is it DH's responsibility?
Am I being unreasonable in saying that I have enough to do with keeping up with my (large) family that surely he can sort his own mother out?
Should I swallow it and phone her every sunday to keep her happy?

ghosty
xx

OP posts:

anynamewilldo · 15/06/2008 20:57

YANBU.. my mil is the same, she complains that she doesnt see the children enough, I won't take the dc's to see them because my mil smokes and refuses to open any windows or not smoke when we are there (neither dh or I smoke). On the odd occasion that i have gone there i have sat outside on the patio. mil and fil drive past our house at least once a fortnight to go shopping, so i dont see why they cant call in for 5 minutes.

Since december my mil has phoned our house once and not because she wanted to see if we were all ok but to let my dh know that someone had taken money from her bank account and to ask how to go about reporting it!

And the best bit is it is dd1's birthday today and she has not had a card/present or phonecall just to wish her happy birthday. dd1 is 10 today, and is unfortunately old enough to realise that she has had nothing from them.

Original poster

ghosty · 15/06/2008 23:05

Sigh, you are all so nice. I knew I was right [smug emoticon]
....
However, I did send her an email yesterday with a 'sorry we've been crap, it's been very busy lately' type feel to it and sent attached a lovely picture of DD to her.
It can go either way and DH can deal with the fall out if she's pissed off.

The thing is, it wouldn't be hard to call her once a week because she never has much to say and the call is always short ... also I can email her now and again. But the problem is that I actually honestly FORGET to call. In my head she is not at the top of my list of people to call - in fact she is not ON the list of people to stay in touch with. We have a very superficial relationship that is workable and manageable but when the chips are down she isn't there for me so I have never been there for her. Which is not what a good DIL should be saying is it?
For example: When my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer we told her and she spent 10 minutes listing all her friends who had it too ... which wasn't really what I wanted to hear was it? Then no calls since then to see how I am doing, only contact when we make it and now a shitty call when we haven't called for a while.
Bah! She's a bag and that is all there is to it. Hrrrrmmmmmph!
Thanks for all the support guys

OP posts:

Sanctuary · 15/06/2008 23:11

Its his mum , his responsibility(SP)
But she could also phone you why should it be always you phoning them???

We live abroad and Dh family don`t phone we have to phone them .After a while I stopped phoning them with updates and asking about their welfare its upto DH not me

The last time he spoke to his parents was about 6 weeks ago.

I do not feel guilty anymore I phone my parents and keep them up to date.

mummyrayjay · 15/06/2008 23:27

It is hard enough to keep your family happy he can deal wit his own mum. Funny how MIL expect us to keep contact with them though. My MIL is the same but dp sounds as though he makes more effort than DH. Still not your job though...

slim22 · 15/06/2008 23:32

I could have written your post.

After years of reminding him to call his parents and calling myself, I just stopped.
When they start moaning about my lack of communication I leave it to him to explain his lack of reciprocity.

MrsJohnCusack · 15/06/2008 23:57

your MIL is as mad as a meataxe though isn't she?

YANBU. really it is up to DH

Tortington · 16/06/2008 00:05

ithnk yo need to explain that whilst ou will treat her with respect - she is HIS mother. the responsability is HIS - and wit respoect - sh doens't want to hear from you she wants to her from him

it would take him all of 5 mins on a Sunday. and you refuse to tak responsability -if he doesn't ring her -its not your problem its his - and tell him that you will make this abundantly clear to her if she speaks like that on the phone to you again.

chefswife · 16/06/2008 00:16

i had relatives ask in a snipe way why i stopped calling them. i told them that i was spending a fortune calling everyone and from now on, if anyone of them want to talk to me, they can call me. one phone call for them, 2 dozen long distance calls for me. you are soooo not being unreasonable. your dh should not expect you ring his mother either. that is unreasonable.

eidsvold · 16/06/2008 03:22

ghosty - when I lived in the UK - I made the family contact for my family at home.

Now we live in Aus - dh makes the contact with his family - calls every week. His mum does call every so often too. I tell him it is up to him to talk to his mum and pass on our news. I will talk with MIL if there is time - she is not on her way out or something. But still dh's responsibility.

However - I do the birthday cards - or I get them he writes and I post. The dds like picking out the cards. As to christmas presents - I usually get them when I am getting the others - and do the posting.

twentypence · 16/06/2008 03:47

I remind ds to call both sets of grandparents, but I really only call my MIL if I want something . Dh rings his parents once a week (to stop them calling during lost usually) and listens to them bleat on about people he doesn't know. MIL will often call me if ds was ill/had a school trip/had a swimming lesson to ask how it went, even if dh is there she doesn't want to talk to him (not in a nasty way though). It seems I get on better with my MIL than I thought...

Ds has developed a neat trick where he writes a letter and leaves a big space up the top, then he writes in one set of grandparents and we scan and email it. Then he turns over the top and writes the other set, and we rescan and email, then folds over and does my brother...

If I let him he would type the email and blind copy it I suspect!

Shells · 16/06/2008 05:21

Same here. DP hopeless at keeping in touch with MIL. Hardly ever tells her our news. She's from large close Irish family and I know they all expect me to take on the role of communicator and absolve the male of responsibility. But I refuse! Like you, put my energy into my own family. His problem. Hope my sons aren't like this....

sunnydelight · 16/06/2008 05:25

As everyone else has said, YANBU. It would be different if you had a close relationship with her but you obviously haven't so his mother, his issue. I haven't spoken to my MIL since we came to Oz nearly a year ago and it is blissful.

swerve · 16/06/2008 06:27

ah! MILs! what a joyous relationship it can be. My dh never remembers to call his family and isn't very close. I remind him to call, or call his mum when he is home and say "do you want to speak to your son?". I remember (mostly) their birthdays. MIL has noticed that she gets presents / phone calls on a fairly regular basis since we've been together and is grateful. Occasionally she mutters that we don't call enough. I say, call anytime. We're always delighted to hear from you. Make it clear it's not a one-way responsibility.

Just remember, we'll be MILs (maybe) one day!

Elasticwoman · 16/06/2008 21:55

Ghosty - yanbu. It is his mother - he should maintain contact.

But, in my case I do put myself out for my in-laws. I go and see them, do things for them, sometimes phone them and when we lived a few hundred miles away it was always me that wrote a letter once a week (replying to theirs). The reason for this is that they have always been very generous and welcoming to me. They have always helped, eg when I was ill and pg with No 2, I remember MIL at my sickbed and helping in the house with ironing etc. Consequently, now that they are old and need more help, and we live near, I do feel inclined to reciprocate.

As my American cousin said on my wedding day
"Wow - you really lucked out with your in-laws!"

kiwibella · 16/06/2008 23:07

it is your dh's responsibility... however, if you are emailing your family, could you include her sometimes with news or pictures?

We are also living a million miles away from our family and it is so difficult making sure that they don't miss out (or feel that they are missing out). I call my Dad every Sunday but hubs probably last phoned his mum at Christmas?!?!

Quattrocento · 16/06/2008 23:11

I find that I am in charge of keeping in touch with all relatives. This is a bit much considering the quattro side is very short of relatives and DH has an unreasonable abundance of them. Also I seem to be in charge of keeping in touch with his friends too.

Every year I write around 300 christmas cards. Most of them to his side. I don't know why I do it but women do generally seem to be the glue that holds families together

Bit sexist of me. Just call the woman. Either that or murder her.

Original poster

ghosty · 17/06/2008 09:19

Well, we seem to have smoothed things over here now, . She replied to my email with a begrudging "Well, it's ok, I suppose it takes two to tango" and then DH rang her and she apologised for being 'abrupt' on the phone !
It's ok though, we know it was her and not an impersonator because the first member of the family she asked about after that was the frigging cat!

OP posts:

WilyWombat · 17/06/2008 09:22

My mum would always phone Dads parents but they are very close, it IS really his place to call her not you could you call her when he is at home and just hand the phone over to him? I would say he SHOULD really call once a week to check she is OK and say hi, he doesnt have to stay on for hours does he.

herbietea · 17/06/2008 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WilyWombat · 17/06/2008 10:28

It should be 50/50 with an arrangement to call alternative weeks (that way if they dont call it may alert you to the fact that something is amiss) but our parents are short of money so we call them - I guess that would be the case with quite a few MILS specially if they are on their own

Also we have quite busy lives and are in and out so they may call when we are busy or out whereas they are happy to hear from us whenever we call

kiwibella · 17/06/2008 10:52

herbitea... I agree with you completely - it is so easy for them to pick up the phone / text / email if they want to know how things are going!!

My MIL idolises dh's sister too... thankfully (selfish ) she doesn't have children or, I'm quite sure, ours wouldn't get a look in .

Elasticwoman · 17/06/2008 20:13

Writing 300 Christmas cards would be ok if you genuinely wanted to communicate with those people. I keep our xmas card list to nearer 100, by not sending to people who live in our village that we see all the time. I am quite happy to write cards to most of dh's relatives but one of them was really rude to me (in writing) and I'm never going to write to her again. Dh knows that if he wants her to get any sort of card ever, he has to send it himself.

Spidermama · 17/06/2008 20:15

Ghosty IME men just don't call as often. It's women who tend to keep contacts and connections going. I would make sure you give him the nudge to call her now and again. Maybe you could do it once every month or so, but really it should be him, nudged by you.

This is how we do it any way.

cosima · 17/06/2008 20:20

Don't you think that if she phones him to complain then thats why he doesn't want to speak to her much? Everyone gets what they deserve. It's not your responsibility

Sanctuary · 17/06/2008 20:27

MIL phoned early on in April asking me to remind Dh that it was his sisters birthday coming up and could I ask him to ring her on that day WTF
I already knew as I myself have a f**king calendar and have never forgotton in the past.
SO I did remind DH and he phoned his sister
A week later our DD birthday came and went with no call from MIL.Cleary forgotton

Not mentioned to DH to phone PIL since and as far as I know he not spoken to them since late April

You Reap what you Sow MIL

Flip

1 2