I'm 16 and I need some perspective

[BeDearFawn]

Hello, I'm 16 and I just had a disagreement with my mum that has left me quite upset and confused.

She was looking at photos from my school dance and made some negative comments about some of my friends' dresses and their figures. She said things like how my best friend's dress made her look bad and stupid, how another friend's dress made her look fat and short, and was just commenting negatively on her figure and overall appearance.

I really care about my friends as they are such lovely and encouraging people and I love them. I think they look stunning whatever they wear because it's who they are that matters to me.

I didn't feel comfortable with these comments, so I said something like, "would you still say this if they weren't my friends?" My mum got very upset and said things along the lines of how I make people hate me easily and that I'll end up with fewer and fewer friends.

I reckon the reason why she was upset is because I'm no longer friends with a former friend who tends to speak negatively about people's looks, in ways that are similar to my mum. The former friend also tears me down with the things she says to me. My mum seemed to think I was being unfair or had a double standard for defending my friends but not keeping that friendship.

Now I'm wondering if I handled it badly as maybe my mum would still have said that if they weren't my friends. I'm in need for some maturity and perspectives as I'm worried I will actually lose my friends who I love.

Maybe it might help to read up on projection and also the drama triangle (parent, adult, child or victim, abuser, rescuer).

I think you and your mum can grow a healthier relationship. I have learnt a lot from my children.

There will be a lot of advice out there about toxic parents. I would caution about reading anything that is too polarised, mostly humans are doing our best with the cards we've been dealt.

My mum is friends with a few mums whose daughters used to take music classes with me but that's it. But to be fair I don't have a lot of friends either I have a best friend and a few separate friends. I am content though because the friends I have are lovely and supportive.

Another post making excuses for toxicity.

@FruAashild
'All parents love their children and want the best for them.'

Sadly not. I wish this were true, but it really isn't. I'm happy for anyone that has only experienced a world where this is true in their experience though.

That was absolutely not my intention. My words were carefully chosen in using 'too polarised'.
A 16 year old needs a certain amount of physical safety that a family unit provides.

Agree with this.

You’re agreeing with me. ‘Supposed to’ and ‘ideal’ are the same thing. Why present this as disagreement?

You sound like a genuinely nice person. Your mum sounds shallow and superficial. It hurts when we realise our parents are flawed. It's great that you haven't become like her. Keep being you.

My mum was very critical too about people’s appearance. But I’m 55 I don’t think this generational it’s just that some people are nicer than others.

Your mum lashed out and tried to hurt your feelings because your comment made her look bad. There’s nothing more to it than that.

Take what she says with a pinch of salt. I’m sure you have plenty of friends.

You sound far more mature than your mum. 💐

There are some really interesting comments here. To me these include the idea that she’s trying to bond with you through appraisal of others’ outfits. That she’s trying to develop your awareness of what suits and doesn’t suit people (so guide you). And that she perceives critiquing others’ outfits as normal, so is worried that you’ve cut off a friendship by being ‘oversensitive’ and applying what to her are unrealistically high standards.

I don’t find the ‘she is bad and you are good’ comments very helpful. They’re polarising and divisive. This is your relationship with your mum. Entrenching division is not constructive. Finding common ground is. How can you move forward?

Are you able to talk to her and ask her openly why she made these comments, how she’d hoped you would react? Seek to understand where she was coming from? Really listen to her answer in ‘seeking understanding’ mode not ‘debate’ mode?

Would she be able to do the same for you, to listen? Asking her to do that will be a challenge, a real shift in your relationship, as you mature and renegotiate the way you relate to each other, on more adult, equal terms. That will take some adjustment and some time. It isn’t always easy or possible but worth a try!

Or she could just be being a nasty bitch! 'Trying to bond'. No. Sometimes a spade is just a spade!

I guess it's possible that this woman is a broadly good person with this one nasty habit. We don't know enough here.

Yet again the double standards of this site seen in action. A woman says something really unpleasant, and people fall over each other to justify it, minimise it, and explain why it's not really her fault and how it might just all be in her daughter's head. I can guarantee that if a man said something half as bad, people would be after his head on a platter. Newsflash: women can sometimes be thoroughly unpleasant, mean, nasty people. I'm not saying for sure that the OP's mother is: on balance, it sounds possible, but of course I'm not sure. The point is more the women on this site minimising female unpleasantness. Why?

I support every word of this. My mother could be almost invisible and that to her would be okay, as long as I was smaller. As long as I had less than her in every possible respect. It is absolutely possible for a woman to carry a child inside her for the best part of a year, give birth to them, watch them take their first breath and then somehow end up taking enjoyment out of seeing them suffer. How it happens I couldn't tell you, but it happens.

@Gahr , bearing in mind this is a 16 year old girl. What is your advice?

What do you mean 'bearing in mind this is a 16 year old girl'? I suppose you mean she can't let her mother have it with both barrels? I wouldn't do that, no. My advice was upthread and it was to essentially grey rock her mother. For the OP, 'grey rock' means to give someone a 'low information diet' , ie to share as little as possible with them, and keep conversations as impersonal as possible. A lot of people on here seem overly concerned with sparing this mother's feelings, and I think that's all wrong. The mother should feel bad for saying such negative, toxic things. However, people like that rarely have much self awareness and capacity for introspection, so OP is better served IMO not trying to engage with her mother too much. However, I also don't think that OP should entreat or supplicate or apologise. She should just keep her distance and be happy that she is a nicer person than her mother.