My DM pities me because I am single?!

[PurpleSky300]

Just this, really. My Mum is forever telling me that I need to get a man, get more friends, go on holiday more, "live". She feels sorry for me.

But I am absolutely fine?! I have friends, I have a good job, I have a house, every year I set myself little goals to work towards. Buying a house ate into my funds so I've been trying to save, cut back on things. I haven't thought much about dating but I am not sad at all - unless I speak to her! Why do parents do this?

I honestly think they're bored in their own lives. People need to understand not everyone wants the exact same life. I honestly don't care what other people do if they are in a relationship, have kids, what job they do, how they spend there time aslong as they're happy. How old are you op? I found people alot more opinionated about my life and what I should be doing in my 20s now I'm in my 30s people don't really say it anymore

I'm 33. I guess my life does look different to my Mum's life at the same age. But we're not all cut out for the same things.

@PurpleSky300 re Why do parents do this? I have no idea, they are bored, projecting, controlling.
I am quite probably A LOT older than you and my Mum has plenty to say about my life. Usually "out of concern" that I neither need nor want.
Thankfully I have learnt to turn the volume down, smile and ignore.

Edit: Not probably given your update. I am much older than you... it persists

Maybe be glad that, fundamentally, she wants you to be happy. Her idea of what that requires is different to yours, but if she loves you, that's a good starting point for a chat...

Does she think you need to marry and have kids? Does she want grandchildren?

But she is happy

Yeah, because married men and single women tend to report the highest happiness scores.

it’s the patriarchy, innit trying to get you to toe the line. Smile and nod. And ignore.

Yanbu but definitely travel more and party more! 🥰

Parents often have a very specific idea of what happy means for their kids. Some find it hard to let go of that idea if their children choose to live a different life to the one they imagined for them. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, they very likely mean well, but I get how frustrating it can be

My mum thinks holidays are the answer to any problem. More specifically she thinks the holidays she takes are the only way to take holidays as well.

She bangs on at me about them like yours bangs on at you about your status. It's completely infuriating, but I am desperately trying to remember she is doing from a place of love, not malice, and because x makes her happy, she assumes x will make everyone happy too.

That said, I laid it out for her very clearly a while ago and she's wound it back since then, hopefully for good.

My mom was the same. I think she couldn't understand why I didn't have a man and didn't have children by a certain age. Once I'd got past child bearing age I think she realised I was perfectly fine. When I was in a relationship she seemed happier.

My youngest is 34 and I privately wish he had a partner! However I’ve never voiced that out loud as everyone is different and wants different things - just because all of his siblings and parents are married it doesn’t mean it’s what he wants.
Your mum needs to shut up! I expect she worries you’re not happy and contented but she shouldn’t be making you feel like you obviously do when she goes on at you.
Can you tell her to stop?

At one point when my friend and I were both happily single, we went out for a walk with both of our mothers. They spent the entire trip wondering when we were going to 'find nice men, settle down and get married and have children'. It went on and got very tiresome, and it wasn't a new theme. We'd heard it all from them before. Eventually we both had enough and snapped and asked why the fuck we would want the same thing they had and spent all their time moaning about. Both had fucking shit marriages and awful husbands but for some women apparently a shit marriage is better than no marriage. For women of a certain generation marriage was seen as the ultimate and only goal.

It is probably because it is your DM's version of normal and/or success. If you think about it, a lot of the stories that we heard as children (e.g. fairy tales) and on TV involved a weedy woman being rescued by a big, strong man and living happily ever after 🙄

She probably also has friends asking, "Has PurpleSky300 met a man yet?" (because that is clearly the most important part of your life, in their opinion) and they presumably do the sympathetic head tilt when she says no, not yet. Also, like a PP said, in previous generations, a bad marriage was seen as being better than "being left on the shelf". Thank goodness that times have changed!

If you're happy, then there isn't a problem and your DM should not pity you. There is no shame in being single, but that might be because I am biased, as I like being single very much (much to the horror of some other people).

I pity people in relationships.
I love living on my own with my cats. Id probably have been hung for a witch in times gone by.
Ive been married three times and was miserable in all of them.

My mother cannot bear other people living differently. She would rather both my sister's had stayed in miserable relationships than split to keep their sanity. I think she sees it as a criticism of how she lives.

My mum is always telling me she wishes I’d meet ‘a nice man to look after me’ I’m 59!

Her baggage is her baggage. I am a terrible disappointment to my own mother. I was supposed to leave school at 16, get a shop job, marry young via a big white church wedding, be a SAHM to at least three children, live locally, and spend the whole time dropping by my parents’ while taking the kids to sports. What I actually did was get a scholarship to Oxford, acquire several postgraduate degrees, have a professional career, move around internationally, make a lot of good friends, get married on my lunch break and have one child by choice at 39. That doesn’t look like a bad life to most people, but it just doesn’t code as recognisable to her.

Try not to be upset by yours. You can’t change them.

Sounds like you are at the tipping point. Where you move from the child mentality always being annoyed at parents views, to realising that you can love them and they love you whilst completely disagreeing with them. You don’t have to silence her like a teenager anymore, why should she not be allowed to voice her views like an adult? Your DM is entitled to her opinion based on her experience. You are entitled to yours which is to completely disagree with her. Own it and disagree politely. She loves you as others have said so she wants to be authentic. You can disagree.

Who is silencing her? She is voicing her views all the time. Which is why it's hard to just disagree and leave it there.

But why does being single mean some people think you are “unhappy”?

if she’s similar age to me ie parent of a mid 30 ‘s “child” then that’s not really my experience of what we think as “ normal - it’s more like my parents generation who thought like that, the traditional housewives of the 1950’s who got married young, had children and stayed at home not going out to work. It was that generation who thought finding a “ good husband” was being successful.
My youngest has a house, a job, hobbies and appears to be happy, he’s adamant that he doesn’t want any children.
My wishing that he had a partner is my “ problem” not his.

Oh God, this rings a bell!

"X is amazing, you'd LOVE it, you really would"
"It's not my thing Mum"
"No but you would, you really would..." on and on and on.

It's like they cannot fathom that an adult child is a separate person.

I just want my children to be happy, whatever their happy is, it’s not necessarily the same happy as I think it should be if you see what I mean

do you have married siblings? I worry far more about the happiness of my single child than the others who are married. Simply because they live with someone who loves them as much as I love them.
Unlike your mother though I know when to keep my thoughts to myself and only admit on an anonymous forum!