My DM pities me because I am single?!

[PurpleSky300]

Just this, really. My Mum is forever telling me that I need to get a man, get more friends, go on holiday more, "live". She feels sorry for me.

But I am absolutely fine?! I have friends, I have a good job, I have a house, every year I set myself little goals to work towards. Buying a house ate into my funds so I've been trying to save, cut back on things. I haven't thought much about dating but I am not sad at all - unless I speak to her! Why do parents do this?

I'm an only child.

Tell her you pity her for having an old man to look after.

DING DING DING. There we go - that’s why she won’t shut up about it. She feels your choices are taking something from her. She wants to have been mother of the bride, to be a grandmother now and to be surrounded by your growing family with her at the top centre.

But you’re single and childless and she’s thinking that she’s missing out compared to all her mates and what’s ‘normal’.

She's just worried about you.. she probably shouldn't have bothered.

Worried about what?

I’d be tempted to provide her with some “constructive” critique of her own life, or perhaps even tell her to fuck off and mind her own business.

The older generation were expected to get married and have children, it wasn't a choice. The current crop of 20-40 year olds are, I think, the first generation of women to have the freedom to support themselves financially, and not have to "settle" for any of mediocre/shit man, or to have children they don't want.

I'm late 30s and about half of my friends are single and child free - in different times, they would all have been married to whoever they were with when we were 20, and they would be horrendously unhappy now. I'm SO glad times have changed and women can live whatever life they want. But it is a very recent societal change, so your mum probably can't help but worry - it's not the "norm" she grew up with. I reckon she is coming from a place of concern.

Can you say “I’m perfectly happy thank you.” And ignore.

Shes probably a person who thinks everyone wants to be in a relationship and you’re lacking if you aren’t .
I settled down young whereas my sis didn’t she got so much grief about when will you meet someone, don’t you want kids etc.

I don't think the problem is that your mother is worried about you (I would 'worry' about my child if they were single at 33, especially if they were chronically single. I am 42 BTW so shoot me 🤷‍♀️) Why she worries is irrelevant, maybe she hoped for grandchildren, maybe she worries you will have no-one when they die etc.
The problem is she seems unable to stop vocalising her worries as if talking about it will magically make prince Charming appear and sweep you off your feet! Her mistake is the constant need to mention it.
Most peoples parents will worry about their children's lives at some point, whether it is their relationship status, job, housing situation, financial situation, too many children, no/not enough children, unruly pets, the list is endless. Loving parents worries about their children don't stop the day they turn 18! She just needs to learn to keep them to herself.

I am one of two. The other one is married and has kids and dogs and a far more "traditional" set up (husband has the bigger job, wife does the lower paid one and more of the domestic stuff). I think mum recognises that from her own life, so it subconsciously reassures her that her kid is doing ok.

Whereas I/OP/others do a fairly senior job in an industry that my mum does not understand, plus I am long term single, plus I went off and bought my own house by myself, plus I go away and do things and generally live my life on my own terms. And mum doesn't recognise that so she can't feel as at ease, even if I tell her I am fine, and she can materially see I am healthy and well and all that.

As I said in a pp, it's from a place of love, not nastiness or jealousy or boredom. Recognising that makes it less irritating, but not entirely so!

PS. Both of us "kids" are now 50+, but I don't think parents every stop worrying.

yes I agree with everything you’ve said. I know my parents were still worrying ( needlessly) about me and my sister when we were both in our 60’s!
I’ll always have my children on my mind ( 40’s and 30’s) as once a parent always a parent. It’s just that some of us are sensible enough not to project our worries/concerns etc onto them.
Nobody told me this when I had my first precious little baby! I don’t think I’d ever thought about anything beyond the baby stage before I was pregnant.

Is it a crime to be single at 33? Or at any age? Do you just have to pick whatever falls through the door or else you've failed at life? I can't get my head around somebody worrying about that.

OP, she probably feels that having you was the most important thing she ever did in her life so naturally, she wants the same for you. Of course there's nothing wrong with being single at 33! Having said this, I know quite a few people who didn't start trying for a family until their late 30s, only to find it was too late. Now, in their 50s, they do regret it. Your mom does need to rein it in and I totally see how it's annoying, but she's looking at life in the rear view mirror largely. It's a different perspective obviously, but valid and comes from a place of love. She knows she won't be around forever for you and wonders who will be. At least she cares.

Don't worry OP. Your mum comes from that generation who needed a man, to feel like a success.
My dm was the same, berated me for not being married. Yet she spent 42 years with a man who used her as an unpaid skivvy. She went nowhere on holiday, worked as a minimum wage school cook because they were short of money. She had no money of her own. He showed her no affection, drove all her friends away and alienated her family. Yet for some unfathomable reason she wanted the same for me.
I have a degree, a well paid career, I own my home, I have an adequate pension. I have holidays, friends, a car and freedom. I've travelled to 36 countries. I have a lovely son. I'll never have to clean up after a selfish man or be dictated to or controlled. I'm more that happy with my choice.

As long as you are happy, what your mum thinks is completely irrelevant. You have to live your life your way.

Of course it isn't a crime.
You are fixating on her worrying about you being single (because she won't shut up about it!) but my point is if you were married but renting she might worry you hadn't managed to get on the property ladder.
Or if you were a married homeowner she might worry your jobs weren't stable enough to cover the mortgage payments.
Or if you were married homeowners with great jobs and 2.4 children she might worry you will burn out and struggle that way.
Ideally she needs to keep her concerns to herself but I think parents worrying about their children's circumstances (whatever they may be) is entirely normal.

Singledom is not a crime, and you definitely shouldn't be expected to accept anyone substandard to your fabulousness! (Or at least, that is my excuse...)

I’ve got so much to say about this but I’ll keep it brief.

Some people - men and women - get very anxious when faced with a woman who is strong, independent and goes after what she wants in life. They know, on some level, that this is a problematic and illogical viewpoint, so they lead with faux “concern” and “I just want you to be happy”.

It’s pure, unadulterated misogyny.

Congrats on the house! 🥳

This hits on an important point. So many women in that generation subjugated themselves to a man for the sake of being married and not left ‘on the shelf’. They were treated disrespectfully at best but were often abused or worse.

AND YET.

They see having no man as a less desirable life. They look at strong, happy, independent women with a career, a social life and their own home and feel superior and “sorry” for them… 😐

I am mid 40s and happy with my partner who I met 4 years ago. I dated lots but never invited them ti meet my parents as they are hard work. they met DP but not happy. They had visions of me marrying a lawyer.

my parents had a vision of married, kids and live never them. I am childless and live 300 miles away, but love my partner. We live together but as I am not married they don’t acknowledge this.

reasons that I was apparently single. Too far (slightly overweight) too independent, too clever? Maybe gay or asexual.

or what they said in front of their friends and me that I was concentrating on my career and can’t get married.

I think they thought I failed at life. But I loved my life and happy

It's because a lot of people, from all generations not just older people, have a narrow view on what makes a happy and sucessful life and that includes being coupled up. Your mum acts the way she does because she cares and probably can't quite believe you're happy as you are. She is wrong, of course and you sound like you've got it together!

It could be a number of reasons. Ask her why. It could be that she is old fashioned and her idea of happiness is different to yours. Onions be genuine worry. But it’s not your job to please her or to reassure her.

its her problem.

Yeah. When the reality is that at your age if you find a "nice man" it'll be YOU looking after HIM before long!

send her a link to the relationships board on here

Stop, stop, please stop!🤣🤣🤣

I think you've met my mum!
Sometimes I think worrying (unnecessarily) is a kind of hobby for her. It's how she reassures herself that she loves her children (and, by implication, is loved in return) and feels close to us.

Also, she understands very little about our lives - having been a stay-at-home mum for decades she has very little of the life-experiences that would enable her to empathise about career worries for example. And so she latches on to what she does understand.

My parents never forgave me for not giving them grandchildren. They left 3/4 of their estate to my sister and never appreciated my career or academic achievements. Then they wondered why I was never around and so difficult to contact when they became needy and old. You reap what you sow.