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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL Funeral

47 replies

PeoplesRepublicofOverThere · 07/02/2026 16:38

To preface this, DH and I have a good marriage, barely a cross word. He more than pulls his weight with household tasks and child care, and we get on really well. He’s a laid back, funny man.

My FIL recently died.I never really got on with him. He wasn’t a horrible person but we have absolutely nothing in common whatsoever. He was rude (inadvertently) and like a fish out of water in any setting that’s wasn’t his comfort zone. I literally never had an actual conversation with him. My MIL is completely different - we get along fine.

The funeral is in a few weeks and I asked DH for the date so I could get the time off work. DH snapped back, “I didn’t think you’d be coming”. I said of course I’d be there. He then asked me why, and said “you couldn’t stand the bloke”.

I said I wanted to support him and he said he doesn’t need support and he’d rather people who were there actually liked FIL and wanted to give him a send-off. He also didn’t want to spend the day worrying about how I’d react to FIL’s friends, etc.

We left it at that.

I’m at a loss what to do next. This kind of reaction is completely out of character.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Paradoes · 07/02/2026 16:41

So sorry to hear that op. My FIL died two years ago and my dh isn't over it.

Maybe leave it for now and see what happens.

But its unfair to say that to you.

ASometimeThing · 07/02/2026 16:42

He has a point. You didn’t like the bloke, your husband doesn’t want you at his funeral.

The bereaved get to call the shots about this sort of thing, so you should respect his wishes.

Jeschara · 07/02/2026 16:45

No, he is grieving, he knew you did not like his Father, was you more obvious about it than you intended. He stated you "could not stand the bloke"
My own view is this about him and fil funeral, maybe he has given you the option not to go.

Coffeeishot · 07/02/2026 16:47

You probably let your husband know how much you didn't like him,and it is playing on your husbands mind you are not going to convince him otherwise i do think you should go can you speak to your mil casually ask when it is,

patooties · 07/02/2026 16:49

I can’t abide my MIL (it’s reciprocated) I have often wondered what will happen when the inevitable happens.

DH is no contact with his sibling for as long as I have known him. Our children would be sad about their grandmother. I think I would go and be nearby in case he changes his mind.

mil lives a days journey away so would all go together.

Pineapplewaves · 07/02/2026 16:50

Why do you want to go if you didn’t like him? Your DH says he doesn’t have a problem with you not going and he’s right that he’ll be surrounded by friends and family who can support him. I didn’t go to my FIL funeral, DP coped fine.

Is it that you are worried about what other people will think if you’re not there?

PurpleCoo · 07/02/2026 16:53

You aren't being unreasonable by offering to go to support him, that was the right thing to do.

But he is clear he doesn't need the support, nor does he want you there, so don't go. That's also the right thing to do

MignonsMorceaux · 07/02/2026 16:53

I think I would wait a bit, ask him if he wants you there and if he's prepared to deal with lots of questions asking where you are (and he's not allowed to say you didn't want to come)? Be led by DH.

It might be less hassle for HIM for you to go. Assuming you still want to, of course! He's being a bit shitty to snap but I'd cut him a lot of slack as he's lost his dad.

Timeforaglassofwine · 07/02/2026 16:53

Ouch. There was obviously a vibe that he picked up. Your dh is grieving, which might make him seem harsh, but make sure he knows you will support him. I've been to a family funeral where the dil and the deceased had not got on. She didn't say anything, but you could pick up the indifference and it would have been better for the wider family for her not to have been there.

Ohcrap082024 · 07/02/2026 16:54

It’s grief talking. Do not react or try to defend. Leave it be for a day or 2. Then approach it again. Maybe try the “I’m booking the day off so that I can come with you or be around at home. Whatever is best for you”.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/02/2026 17:08

YANBU for intending to go to the funeral. I'd wait a little until things calm down to then see again about whether you go or not, I'd respect your DH's wishes if he'd rather you weren't there.

I hate my MIL, and my DH knows I will not be at her funeral. He's fine with that. He's not even sure if he'll go himself (we're NC with his parents).

I did go to my FIL's funeral, I think my DH was surprised that I wanted to go to pay my respects, but he was actually pleased that I came to support him.

Even though we had all been NC, I had always been fond of his Dad. It was his mother who orchestrated the whole fall out, so she's always been the one I can't bear.

Katflapkit · 07/02/2026 17:11

My friend went through this exact situation when her FIL died. Overnight, her FIL morphed from an abusive and aggressive alcoholic to a misunderstood 'life and soul of a party' type. Her DH also accused her of coming between father & son because she didn't like him. My friend put it down to grief and guilt. Grieving for the Father he wanted but never had and guilt for the years he spent being disappointed by a man who chose the bottle and women over his children.

I were you I would quietly book the day off work but say nothing. Ring your MIL as you get on well and try and determine whether she expects you there, you can ask her 'is there anyone that needs giving a lift on the day? How can I help?'

Be prepared to go at the last minute, have everything ready. Don't get into a an discussion about whether or not you liked him. Say, that you would go to support him and show respect to his mother but if he really doesn't want you there, don't go.

dapsnotplimsolls · 07/02/2026 17:12

He's grieving. Leave it for now and see what happens. Did he get on with his DF?

PevenseygirlQQ · 07/02/2026 17:15

When my MIL passed my Dh snapped at me a few times which was out of character, I just let it go over my head, grieving can bring out all sorts if emotions and he was probably just misplacing his anger at you.

I’d book the day off anyway its likely he’ll want his wife with him x

ginasevern · 07/02/2026 17:19

Although you make it sound almost like indifference, I think it's possible that your dislike for FIL was stronger and more obvious than you realised. Either way, I'd drop the subject for now and see how it goes. It isn't just your DH's decision though, his mum might want you there and she's the one who's life is most affected by his death.

TheMorgenmuffel · 07/02/2026 17:21

He's grieving and he's lashing out.
Tell him you will support him in whatever way he prefers.

If i were you I'd take the day off even if he tells you he doesnt want you to go. Prepare for him to change his mind last minute.

Catchycatchytune · 07/02/2026 17:24

He’s correct, you didn’t like him! However, he’s been a bit harsh with you. Put it down to his grief and leave it for now. Wait and see if he brings it up again.

SunMoonandChocolate · 07/02/2026 17:25

It never ceases to amaze me how extremely nasty people in real life, turn into angels once they're dead OP. As others have said, it's the grief talking. However, I do have to say that I went through this when my ex MIL died, she had been dreadful to me in the early days of my husband and I getting together, and we'd been through a couple of spells where we went NC because of her nastiness, but at the time of her death, she and I had reached an understanding, and actually got on pretty well. What really got to me though, was the way that my husband suddenly completely blotted out the times that she had been so nasty, (she'd even assaulted me on a couple of occasions), and when at one point a few weeks after her death, I made a joke about her, which he previously would have laughed at, he suddenly went all dead pan, and told me what a wonderful mother she had always been, blah, blah. This proved to be the beginning of the end of our marriage, so ultimately all that we had gone through to be together, was suddenly redacted from his memory, and she succeeded in doing in death, what she failed to do in life, which was to split us up. I hope this doesn't happen to you.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2026 17:35

@PeoplesRepublicofOverThere

My advice is to just let this go for now. Chances are he's in a heightened emotional state. Have a funeral outfit ready and if he hasn't said anything else, ask him a day or two before the funeral if he's 'reconsidered'. If he still says 'no' then don't go. But I'd be tempted to tell him that you will respect his wishes but that you are going to let MiL know that your non-attendance was at his request, not because you didn't want to be there.

Teado · 07/02/2026 17:46

Book the day off and discuss it again a couple of days before OP.

If he sticks to his guns and your absence is questioned by close friends or family, politely explain that you were respecting your husband’s wishes.

IAmTheLogLady · 07/02/2026 17:52

Well, you did dislike him. You must have made it obvious.
Not that ywbu for thst - it must have been obvious.
I get that you were trying to support your DH and again, ywnbu to do that.
It's just I can see why he doesn't need the extra stress and worry of having someone there who didn't like his Dad and possibly couldn't hide their dislike of his friends too.
It's a tough situation

IAmTheLogLady · 07/02/2026 17:54

Sorry, that doesn't really make sense.
I've hurt my leg in a accident and I'm on pretty strong pain killers.
I hope it all works out OP.

AmberUser · 07/02/2026 18:05

Your husband is grieving and looking for people to be angry with. You're in the crossfire because you're in the thick of it. Be there for him, give him time to process, and book the day off.

ScarlettSarah · 07/02/2026 18:15

I personally don't understand all this 'the dead are saints' and 'all sins are forgotten' type stuff either. You didn't like him, I expect you're not massively grieving him, so you'd only be there for DH really and he said he doesn't need you there. Leave him to it.

Happytaytos · 07/02/2026 18:17

Book the day off for now. Leave it to him to raise again. Offer to attend without judgement in a few days.

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