FIL Funeral

[PeoplesRepublicofOverThere]

To preface this, DH and I have a good marriage, barely a cross word. He more than pulls his weight with household tasks and child care, and we get on really well. He’s a laid back, funny man.

My FIL recently died.I never really got on with him. He wasn’t a horrible person but we have absolutely nothing in common whatsoever. He was rude (inadvertently) and like a fish out of water in any setting that’s wasn’t his comfort zone. I literally never had an actual conversation with him. My MIL is completely different - we get along fine.

The funeral is in a few weeks and I asked DH for the date so I could get the time off work. DH snapped back, “I didn’t think you’d be coming”. I said of course I’d be there. He then asked me why, and said “you couldn’t stand the bloke”.

I said I wanted to support him and he said he doesn’t need support and he’d rather people who were there actually liked FIL and wanted to give him a send-off. He also didn’t want to spend the day worrying about how I’d react to FIL’s friends, etc.

We left it at that.

I’m at a loss what to do next. This kind of reaction is completely out of character.

Was I being unreasonable?

His reaction is unfair. You should be there to to support him and are happy (not happy, but you know what I mean) to do so. I can imagine in the future he will hold it against you if you don’t go!

Thanks everyone for your input.

I think I’ll book the day off and leave it for a few days.

DH did get on with his dad - he accepted all of the reasons I didn’t get on with him were valid (e.g. he acknowledged he could be rude, without meaning to be) - but said that his dad changed a lot after retirement, and that he was a great, active dad when he was growing up. DH is also generally much more laid back than I am.

@PeoplesRepublicofOverThere
Assuming you never actually verbalised to your DH that you didn't like your fil couldnt you just explain that you were just different people, didn't have anything in common but you certainly didn't not like him, he's the father of the man you love and you're sad that he's passed and you want to support dh and mil?
DH is probably acting out of grief and guilt (lots of people feel guilty when a loved one passes)
He shouldn't have said that to you but I'd cut him some slack.
Id be going to the funeral, your dh will need you on the day

I’d probably approach him at a calmer time and say “DH, I know y oh ve said you don’t want my support, and FIL and I weren’t best friends, but he was still a part of my family for many years and I’d like to be there to say goodbye like everyone else. Our differences weren’t so great that I don’t want him give him my final respects. You don’t have to worry about me with his friends, I’m able to behave appropriately in a public setting. If you really don’t want me there, I’ll respect that, but I’m a little hurt and shocked if you feel that strongly about it.”

he’s grieving, absolutely, but it doesn’t give him the right to be mean or cruel to you. Would your MiL be offended if you don’t go?

Grief is a weird monster. Like pp said, give it a few days. There’s lots you can do to help him. Offer to help arrange food, deal with the venue, order of service. You can help take the load off his mum and him. There’s lists of what to do when a person dies. Offer to do the ‘admin’ side.

It’s an unfair reaction to you asking the question of course, but grief does funny things to us. Leave it for now and give him some more time. It’s normal for you to expect to be going, so don’t worry about that or what you said, you haven’t done anything wrong.

I would leave it a few days and if he hasn’t raised it again, just ask him and say you’d like to book it off so you can either go to support him or be around for him afterwards when he gets home. If it would be quite unexpected for you not to be there with him, he may have to field uncomfortable questions about where you are, that might make a difficult day all the worse for him.

I agree with most of this, but not the last line. Don't just decide to go because he will need you. Don't assume how he will be, give it some time and ask him if he wants you there.

Say you’re going to support your MIL then.

I think you’re right to book the day off and test the waters again closer to the time. Grief is a hairy beast that mauls us all in different ways.

Do you have DC? Will they expect to see / be supported by their DM at their GF funeral. Same for MIL? As others have said back off, be prepared and don’t bother commenting on his DF again - he valued him and that’s all that matters at the moment.

He’s raw. Hurt people, hurt people.

Was he an engaged and present GF?

We have one DD but she’s too young to attend - I’d lined up my brother to babysit, he obviously won’t be needed if I don’t go!

And yes, he had many faults but he was a good grandfather.

It's the grief talking with your DH. I imagine he will change his mind several times. I think you need to let him and your MIL come to terms with it.

I was one of the chief mourners at my father's funeral after being NC with him for 25 years. My family obviously were aware why I was NC and my reasons but I was expected to help organise it and I expected to attend. It was important for me to end my relationship with him with the funeral and for me to be there for my family and my mother. Not going would be more odd.

I think there are some benefits to having more informality and emotion about funerals and death. We can be more honest and more inclusive. But I also think we've lost something as well - the sense of duty and ritual and the idea that you put personal feelings to one side in honour of the deceased. In some ways I think having a rigid set of expectations would help your DH in this situation. That his wife is there to support him regardless of her views of his dad.

I also think it's important to take into account your MIL's feelings. She has lost her husband. She may view the absence of her daughter-in-law as hurtful and even disrespectful. Hopefully, your DH can see this aspect as well and relent.

I don't think he's thought it through - people will he asking where you are and it will put him and MIL in an awkward position. And how's he going to explain it to his mum? But it's the grief, he's not thinking straight.

Just say what you have said here. No, you didn't have a lot in common but it was clear he was a good man who loved his family, he was a good grandfather and you would like to say goodbye. If that's true.

I would be having a think about why he thinks you couldn't stand his dad though. How has he got that impression, or is he completely distorting things based on you not chatting very often?

At least your husband has a bit of guts to tell you not to go. Stay away from it, as if he has siblings they might not make you welcome.

I suppose the fact that they never even had a conversation might have been a bit of a clue I mean that in a very non snarky way.
Op says he wasn't horrible and was a great grandfather but it's clear from her post that she didn't like him.
It was probably obvious to everyone how she felt.
From her perspective it was down to him, but quite different to the people who actually like / love him.
I don't like my fil either so I'm not blaming the op, nor do I think she is unreasonable. It's a really hard situation.

To clarify, we didn’t ignore each other, we just never really went beyond greetings and pleasantries. We didn’t openly dislike each other - I sometimes told DH when I thought his dad was rude, but never made a big deal of it. I’m not even sure I’d go as far as to say I didn’t like him - I didn’t like some of the things he did but aside from that we had no common ground whatsoever.

I think you do need to go, but I also think you need to reassure your husband that he won’t have to worry about you and protect your feelings at his dads funeral.

that is not something he should be worrying about.
he is also grieving so give him some grace, ask mil the date and support him.

I'm puzzled by 'I literally never had an actual conversation with him'. How have you managed that over, I presume, years? And if you've never spoken to him, how did you form the opinion that you didn't get on with him?

I've made conversation with many, many relatives I was indifferent to, plus some I found unpleasant. I can't help thinking your dislike of your FIL was much more pronounced than you are aware.

I would tell him that, yes, you didn't get on very well. But he was his dad, and a great grandfather, and had done a good job of being both. He was important to lots of people that are important to you, and you want to show your respect and appreciation for that.

If he doesn't believe you, or still doesn't want you there, is say "ok, that's totally up to you. I'll be booking the day off work anyway and we'll see how we go."

I think it’s quite easy, when you’re not overly fond of someone, to have them as part of a group but not actually have a conversation. You get them a drink, make a bit of chit chat, bustle about with kids and making food etc, make sure they’re comfy ask if they want top ups, general chit chat about kids/work/gardens.

It’s how I got on with my MIL for 25 years.

How are things with you this week @PeoplesRepublicofOverThere?