Should weekend Dad still have our daughter if she has been sick?

[feliciamorrison]

Our 5 year old has been poorly this week with tonsillitis, but now she has a belly full of antibiotics and calpol she’s turned a corner. Dad is due to have her on Saturdays as per our agreement, but has decided against it today as he doesn’t want his household to get sick.

The mum guilt in me is saying he’s right and she stood stay home with me, but I also feel like parenting isn’t always sunshine and rainbows and should be able to care for her even though she has been sick. He works on the road so has never been home when she’s had any serious illnesses and the care has always fallen on me, which as a result I have become poorly too.

Today I’ve had to cancel the plans I’d made as he is outright refusing to have her spend the night and I’m annoyed because I have spent the best part of a week with sleepless nights caring for our child and I think I deserve a bit of a break.

AIBU here?

What a deadbeat dad. I wouldn’t send my child if she was unwell to travel or wanted to stay with me but as you said she’s turned a corner and is presumably feeling better of course she should go x

He’s a disgrace and a useless father if he thinks he can opt out just because his daughter is ill. He’s supposed to be a parent, not a fun uncle ffs. Another day, another utter dropkick of a bloke getting away with the bare minimum 🙄

I wouldn't move her if she's been ill. My rule would be, whoever's home she became ill in is where she stays until better. Just make up the time later on.

It wasn't meant like that. If OP was going to work then yes, a different situation.

Yes he should, she's his daughter too and if he was still with you, he wouldn't be able to get away from her germs.

Dealing with a sick child is just part of parenting, he should definitely just get on with it. The only possible exception would be if the child was more comfortable being with their main carer when poorly, but as she's feeling better now, that doesn't seem to be the case here.

That changes everything, if you'd said that earlier on .......

I wouldn't transport a sick child between households to pass germs around but then I only have experience of kids in a fairly functional relationship I so I can't be sure how I'd act. I'd like to think we'd discuss it and I'd keep the child until they felt better (or him if illness started at his) and we'd arrange make up time for the one who didn't have the child for their time. Can't be sure though. Looking after sick children is my least favourite part of parenting, my kids get very unwell with viruses and we end up in hospital more than average and noone sleeps when they're ill so if I was doing that alone maybe I'd desparately need him to have the kids for a night to recover myself. It all gets very complicated doesn't it.

But why is she not allowed a break unless she’s going to work? The child has two parents and looking after a sick child is exhausting. I’m sure you didn’t mean it but the insinuation is that it’s selfish to want a break from your sick child and basically mothers should martyr themselves for the sake of their child’s preferences even if the alternative is another capable parent.

It's tonsillitis not some next level contagion
He just can't be arsed to have to parent his potentially off colour child

That sounds difficult for you. And he’s a crap dad but I’m guessing you knew this already.

I’ve done both when my DC have been poorly. Sometimes they’re settled and it easier to stay with me and get well. Other times they’ve gone to my ExH and he’s looked after them fine. We’ve both taken time off work to look after them if they’ve been poorly on a school day. He had them for 3 full weeks at the start of the pandemic due to my job as it was the safest place for them to be.

I know that doesn’t help you but some dads are decent functioning adults and happy to look after their own child as it’s a part of parenting. He’s not. She’s too young yet but she’ll see him for what he is. I hope you get a break soon.

This is one of the many many things I was taken back to court for trying to enforce. It's actually written in the order that I have to care for them when they are sick 🤣