Is my friend BU?

[UnreasonableFriend]

NC as to not out myself or friend.

I’m in a bit of a weird situation and would love some perspective. My friend is going through a separation and is in discussions with her ex partner about selling their jointly owned home. She is adamant that she needs to stay in the home (with two primary aged kids) and refuses to accept that when partners separate, it usually means there will be some compromise. She’s now in discussions with her ex about selling or buying out, but she’s not coming to the table with any reasonable offers. I can imagine the legal fees are wracking up!

Thus far I’ve been a very agreeable friend and have supported her in her “fight,” but I’m beginning to feel she’s a bit unreasonable to think she can continue to live in a £1M home and drag her feet. I can’t even imagine what her new partner thinks about all this!

Everything I read says that unless the children are ill or need special accommodations, the courts will want a clean break. She doesn’t make much money herself, so I’m not sure how she’s even going to afford going to court.

Anyway, I guess I’m also asking: should I try and talk some sense into her or maybe just distance myself from her for a little while? And any tips for helping her think logically about this all?

Stay out of it.

Think this falls under ‘not my business’. Listen politely, leave it to her legal adviser.

Don’t get caught up in her
business

Partner or Husband? Either way not your business

I agree it's not your business, but I don't see the harm in introducing a note of reality into your conversations with her.

What difference does it make to you either way? And why do you care what her new partner thinks about it? It's none of his business same as it's none of yours.

Whether you think shes unreasonable or not... it isn't your business to get involved with. It's a legal matter between her husband and herself and their legal representatives.

I’d keep my mouth shut unless she actually came to me and asked for my advice, then I’d tell her she is being unfair

Okay. I thought most people would say this. She confides a lot in me and I feel like I’m almost in too deep now. I also feel like it’s changed my opinion about her since I’m seeing how entitled she’s being. I will distance myself

It is hard when someone comes to you openly with all their issues, you almost feel like it gets you involved or part of their business.

I want to stay out of it, but she updates me a lot. I think she’s looking for validation

You can lend a listening ear without having to come up with suggestions or solutions. If she's ordinarily a good friend and is going through a bad time, she probably just needs someone to talk to about it all.

Perhaps just offer tea and sympathy for a while and see how it goes.

In that case tell her truthfully that you can't see any way around having to sell the house. But you understand fully how she passionately wishes to stay there. Then maybe try and change the subject!

If she confides in you alot the i think yes you do need to give her your opinion.

Tbh I’d ask her if she wants your input. And if she says yes, then ask again reminding her that you may not tell her what she wants to hear. If she says she wants your advice give it. If she doesn’t then ask her to stop going on so much and seek professional legal and emotional support. I don’t think backing off without saying something is something you do to a close friend

It causes so much stress when the family home has to be sold after a break up, for everyone and especially when children are involved. Children aren’t ready to understand that life changes or people change and want different things. Being able to stay in the family home, even without dad at least keeps one thing constant. If it’s not possible financially for either parent, it will cause even more strain and stress which is even worse than learning to accept it and try to make a calm transition. It’s easy to put into words but the reality is so often not the case. Sometimes houses take a long time to sell; packing up has to be done immediately and things cleared out ready for photographers, often a whole new re-paint. This is stressful for children and women if they are emotionally attached. My ex walked away without need of anything because he had no emotional attachment to any of us. Sometimes exes can get pushy or nasty (mine and his new girlfriend did). There’s a lot to contend with. If her ex is a decent man, hopefully the outcome will be better.
Just be there to understand your friend and offer sympathy, a shoulder to cry on for the time being.

This!

She doesn’t want the husband but she wants the house? To move the new bloke in? I’d find that hard to agree with tbh

I wouldn't be offering validation if she's being unreasonable.

Although in most of the first hand divorce cases ive witnessed the wife got to stay in the house until the children's education ended.

Healthier for you in the long run, as well as perhaps keep your friendship, if you still want to.

Yeah, she's being unrealistic over the house, she'll get there in the end in her realisation. If she doesn't then.. well, some people you just can't help!

I would only comment to her about the benefits of a new home, cheaper to run, fresh start nowt to do with the ex etc.

I presume the difference is that it's a million pound home. Nobody needs to live in a million pound home.

Not your circus.

If you want to help her look more logically at her situation you can try asking open questions but probably the best idea is to step back. Probably she's only venting and doesn't really want advice or your opinions.

I think the opposite of what most people are saying this is a friend she is confiding in you regularly. She is obviously in the wrong I think its ok to say something. I had a similar situation with a friend she got a new boyfriend and basically tossed her kids aside for him. What kind of friend and person are you when you don't speak up.